The past 2 weeks that I've spent at home have been amazing. I started off with a bit of confusion and cloudiness but have spent the most recent days in sunshine. Ironically, after the first 5 days of being home, I've had nothing but good times and moments with good people each and every day. I have yet to wake up and go to sleep sad or angry about anything or anyone.

Today, I decided to finally tackle some school work before it's time to start the spring semester. I woke up had breakfast at Panera with my mom which consisted of the best bagel in the world (cinnamon crunch bagel) with cranberry orange cream cheese and a wildberry smoothie. Afterwards, I proceeded to conduct 5 hours of writing and reading and more reading. Even though lately, this would depress me at 2:15pm when I got up to leave Panera, I was happy and proud of myself; proud that I actually stuck to what I said I would do and did it. I was productive and managed to get a few, albeit small, amount of things off of my list completed.

I then went to the nearby park with the Trinity River flowing through it and just sat at a bench facing it. I hadn't done my sadhana for the day, so I chose to do it all here with the exception of my yoga. Many people may have felt weird or too exposed, doing their sadhana out in the open, but for some reason I just didn't care. I love doing my sadhana outside, especially when its a sunny day with warm weather. Today was perfect. So I sat with the construction men behind me working, people jogging and riding their bikes behind me as I gazed at the river. I began my sadhana without worrying what people would think of this normally dressed black girl chanting with her eyes closed and her hands in weird positions.

Oddly enough, even though the mind wandered during my mantras, it was focused during my meditation. This seems backwards doesn't it?  To be in a place with so much noise and movement in the background, to have the most focus when I can hear it all? Guess not, but something was occurring. I felt so in tune with what I'm not sure. But in my silence, I could literally feel a turtle diving underwater in the river, the footsteps of joggers encroaching upon me, the wheels of bikes turning, the flapping of birds in the trees. The most prominent of them all were the power tools of the construction men. Now yes, I know how obvious this would seem, but this was different. I wasn't just hearing the tools, I could feel the sparks reverberating through me as the tool met the metal.

If you've ever watched Avatar the Last Airbender Cartoon series, the way the blind girl, Toph, is able to earth bend is through her sense of the vibrations in the earth with every movement. It's painted like the ripples in the water. With each step anything makes, a set of vibrations emanate from touching everything in its path. This what the power tools were like for me during meditation. It was like the sparks were travelling from the ground through the cement bench and up my spine. The feeling could only be equated in words to a shiver, but it didn't make my body shake. I could just feel the vibrations working their way up spine. The feeling was amazing and completely made my day.

I have been plagued with the struggle between human love and monkhood. When I was attempting to deal with emotions, I ultimately decided to just let them flow; to give into them and experience whatever followed.  This hasn’t worked out too well for me. I say this not because you need to control your emotions and your feelings, but because, at least for me, it has evolved into something that it is not.

For the past two months, I have battled between being in a relationship with someone I love and truly care about verses renouncing everything and becoming a monk. As mentioned in previous blogs, I came to realize that there is no such thing as fate or destiny. We are what we make it. So I’ve been asking myself the question can I have my cake and eat it too? Can I have become enlightened and still be in a relationship? Many of you may think no, you have to pick one or the other, but interestingly enough it is possible to have both. IT is harder and takes much more time, effort and disciplined, but it is possible, very slight and rare, but possible nonetheless.

So I struggled with these questions, so much so that I considered not being a monk and just going for it. Here is where my emotions evolved.

Ego began using them as a tool to keep me trapped in maya, in illusion. My desire for love has always been ever-present but my path wasn’t really seen as a serious threat to ego until recently. As such it began using my desire for human love as a tool to keep me trapped. It played on my emotions and turned the situation into a fight between soul and the world. When ultimately, it is not.

I care about someone deeply, but they are not ready to be with me.  Although they care about me just as much as I care about them, the timing is off. I know that sounds cliché, but ironically in this case, it is valid. Even though they did not ask me to wait for them to be ready, ego was influencing me to do so; for fear of never experiencing human love. Ego turned it into the battle between soul and the world, when ultimately it’s simply a battle between waiting and moving on.  Nothing spiritual about it.

I realized that sometime in order to overcome bouts of attachment, one needs to take a non-spiritual approach. When I was looking at it as an issue between monkhood and love, that battle would have lasted for years, maybe even lifetimes. But when I look at with soul, spirituality and renunciation aside, would I wait for someone who doesn’t want me? The answer is no.

I arrived at this conclusion from recalling a past experience with an ex who wanted me to wait and the help of my guru. He simply said to me, “Why continuing walking down a street that you don’t live on?” He is completely right. Why should I continue to wait and fawn over someone who doesn’t want me to walk into their home?

I had to take out the spiritual factors that were at play here in order for me to realize what I need to do to pull myself out of this situation. I had to be realistic and in a sense worldly about the issue at hand. So I guess sometimes, being non-spiritual is the way to overcoming spiritual issues on the spiritual path.

If you have read my last few articles, you will know that I've been lost and have not (or at least have not felt like) been walking forward on my spiritual path. Although, I've maintained the sadhana practice that my Guru gave to me, I have not fulfilled the sadhana practices that I have set for myself. Instead, I've been falling deeper and deeper into "worldly" values, desires and practices.

I've wallowed in thoughts of loneliness. Wondering why unlike most, I don't have that group of friends that I've known since childhood that will always be there. I've wondered why I have people in my life yet at times I feel so disconnected from them. I've come back to wondering why I haven't had a romantic relationship in life over the past 5 years. I've wondered back into my physical appearance; dreaming of working out to have this phenomenal body that turns head when I walk through the door. I've let my emotions grow and have acted upon them, and the thoughts that followed were far from spiritual. I've gone back into making shallow, superficial, aesthetic ideals and values a priority in my life. It has done nothing but keep me in this cycle of worry and pressure. I haven't been able to truly appreciate life because of it. And I have an emotional and social wellness exam to prove it ;-)

Even in the midst of all of that, I'm grateful (at least at the time being) for it all. It has helped me to come back to my path; to come back to myself. To rediscover why I went searching in the first place. I was tired of falling into worldly prescribed values of beauty, wealth, attention and fame. It's too much work to be doing all for the satisfaction of someone else. It's too much effort and energy to put into something that will not last, that ultimately will not liberate me from the inescapable suffering of this world.

Ironically, through my graduate studies, brief periods of self-reflection and my recent one day of fasting and 6 hours of silence, I realized that I want to be happy. I want to be happy with life. When I allowed msyelf to fall back into this world, I lost all of that. I wasn't happy. I was constantly worried about something or mainly someone.

But when I turned away from all of that, just for a brief second, I was reminded of all the blessings I have and all the love and happiness that surrounds me. I remembered and enjoyed the goodness of those who were around me. I was able to allow myself to laugh and enjoy them and my life. And that is one of the aspects that I've always wanted, why I started my path; to reclaim the happiness in all life, in my life....

Why do I want to be so mean to those who don't necessarily deserve it? I say necessarily because no one deserves any harm to come to them from another human being. But why can't I help wanting to bad mouth certain individuals? Or make them realize their "faults" in a harmful way?


I feel like one of the worst people in the world for admitting this, but I need a way to let my emotions out. I can't keep suppressing thinking that I've dealth with them when I really haven't.

I have soooooo much anger pent up inside of me. Especially lately. I'm quick to get irritated and annoyed. Quick to want to yell and catch an attitude and quick to revert back to Nichollette and just start cutting people out instead of trying to work things out.






I feel like exploding, like going off on the entire world and letting it know how I feel. I know some may be wondering what is going on? Where is this coming from? And honestly, I don't know. I thought that I had been doing so well with being sweet, understanding and loving, but lately that has not been doing the trick.







I've been judgmental, critical, and just flat out mean....at least on the inside.

You know when you've just shaken a coke bottle and you begin to open it and suddenly realize that you had shaken it so you stop, but a little coke fizzes out anyway??? That's what just happen to me tonight. I slightly went off on one of my officemates and it felt good...and its sad to say I wanted to say even more and more and more....but luckily I walked away before I could get even more ashamed of myself....





What is going on? I'm not myself anymore and I don't know how to stop it or if I even can....I just want to go away...I feel like I need to go away for a while by myself....no phone, no computer, no internet, not even my dog and just be with myself for a really long while...

I've been wandering in loneliness for quite some time. I used to chalk everything up to my spiritual path....I'm supposed to become a monk and that's why nothing is turning out right....

At least that's what I used to think and after I met my Guru, I was cool with it. It all began to make sense to me. But that too had to come to an end.

I learned that there is no such thing as fate and it seemed as though my world was falling down. I was back at square one wondering why no one wanted to be with me? Why was no one attracted to me? Why was that everyone else around me had someone and all I had was myself?

I also began to wonder should I really become a monk? I mean my initial intentions for my path was simply to know God; to experience and see love for all living beings. Not to necessarily renounce everything and dedicate my life to the search.

But as I continued to wander this world alone, becoming a nun seems as though it is the path that I'm supposed to take...

I've been going back and forth like this for quite some time. I tried to think what in the world would spark me to question my path...EMOTIONS. I developed feelings for someone and I was trying to make sense of them in relation to my spirituality.

For a while because I thought my spiritual path was fixed, I simply suppressed them. Something happened and  I realized that it was taking too much effort to fight how I felt and pretend as if they didn't exist...

So I made a....for lack of a better word at the moment...mistake....I gave into them...Even though, it's extremely early, I part of me knows that nothing will come of it. I can't help, but to be sad about it everytime I think of it...I know it may seem as though this is so premature, but you know how you have those gut feelings, those knots in your stomach, those voices in your head that will not go away no matter how much logic and rational you try to throw at it??? That's what this is like...

I realize that this feeling, this feeling of sadness and in some cases regret... I realized that this is the feeling that I've been wanting to avoid...I want to get away from...

When your emotions evolve someone other than yourself...there is no way to escape this feeling of pain. There are always going to be days when someone else is going to make you upset, sad, hurt or depressed. When going into a relationship with someone else, there is no way to guarantee happiness always.

Even if you're one of those lucky people, who have an awesome marriage, one of you will pass and then you will be left alone. Sad to be alone.

There is no way to escape pain and suffering. I see what the Buddha was trying to explain.

It has been quite a while since I have posted to my blog. I never knew that moving to a new place and graduate school would take this much out of me. I have cried so much that it is unfathomable for those who know me. But each time, I have picked myself back up.

At first I thought that I was still attached, attached to the idea of being in love with someone. I've been trying to deal with this attachment so that I can find my way to REAL LOVE. The love I've spoken of in a previous blog. And I realized that my way of dealing with it, wasn't actually dealing with it. I thought that I had gotten to the source, but that was an illusion.

After exhausting every possible method that I could think of, I turned to my Guru for assistance. I told him of my issues and asked was this normal? what should I be doing? am I attached? and more.

He informed that loneliness is normal. I have moved to a new place, alone and I need to find individuals that are like me. He pointed out to me that attachment is when you cannot live without someone. Loneliness is just simply that, loneliness; we all need companionship. This made me feel a LOT better, but he never really gave me a clear cut answer or solution to getting rid of my emotions and feelings.

After we hung up the phone, I pondered over our conversation and everything that I've learned so far. It hit me. My emotions and feelings will always be there; what matters is how I let them affect me. I can't let them take me away from my path, my vows and the positivity that I should have in my life. I fret on not having the person I love be here with me, call me all the time, respond to my text immediately. I get worried when I don't hear from them after days upon days. And I'm letting them affect me. I'm letting them take me away from the blessings I've been given. It has been hard for me to concentrate on work, school and myself because now that my emotions are out in the open they are all I can think about.

I know there is nothing malignant going on, but I can't help but realize how my mentality has changed now that wall has fell down. How will this play out? How long will this last?

I found the source of my emotions, they have come to the surface and instead of continuing to fight and suppress them I just let them flow and keep flowing. And here I am.

Although I may know where the source of my loneliness and feelings is coming from, I know it will take time to close it up. My emotions are coming to the surface and as a result are intensifying because I know where and why they were created.

I can't use force to stop them, I just have to let them come and come and come. This is going to be extremely hard especially if things turn out badly. But in either case, I hope that one day, they will come and won't have as big an effect on me.

So for now, I will keep flowing and flowing like a river, trying not to let any pebble or huge rock stop me :-(

I'm starting to question my sanity. Now don't get too worried. I'm not suicidal or anything like that but I'm starting to wonder what the reality of my mental state really is.

When I first began my journey, I started with the notion that I would have dark times in order for me to see the light, in order for me to appreciate it. I expected to have times when I would question myself, times where I would argue with myself but I never thought about how long or how frequent those times would last or occur. I guess I figured that they would just come and go and that would be the end of that.

But for the past few months or a lot of months the number of dark times and light times have fluctuated more than I have flipped the switch to turn on the light in my room. It seems as though it has gotten more frequent and more intense with time.

Well what about your spirituality??? Hasn't that helped, hasn't that kept you grounded and unaffected??? Unfortunately at this time I have to say no...

One day I'm as cheerful and social as Susie Cream Cheese and then the next minute I'm Debbie Downer. One day I'm confident that I can I can draw conclusions and make educated claims that I can see the argument support for it and the discrepancies in it and then the next I feel as though I'm totally incapable of doing so as if I'm trying to be this smartsy artsy person that I'm so not and can't be. And I wonder what in the world am I doing???

My feelings are like two heads of a coin. I wake up not knowing which side I'm going to land on. It drives me insane.

The concept of samsara is the idea that we are all trapped in this continual cycle of birth and death until we are able to free ourselves from maya from the illusion and this is all perpetuated by the ego. The force, the substance that will do whatever is necessary for you to stay trapped and it to stay in power. But I'm starting to wonder, if you can ever be free from this. Because right now, it's not looking like you can or at least I can't.

So is what I'm going through, is this really ego??? Or am I just seriously depressed and am just now coming to terms with that. I know I shouldn't say this because its harmful or what not but I hate constantly being in a hostile state; feeling like I can't control anything, not even my own feelings.

I just don't.....know....Maybe its because I've been doing this all alone. Not to say that I don't have AWESOME friends because I do. But I guess its one of those out of sight out of mind things, where yeah its there but its not the same as having someone there with you....Then it's like if you know me, I'm one of the most independent people you could ever know. I don't like opening up, people buying stuff for me, doing stuff for me, or anything. I want to do everything on my own....

You know whats crazy is that the one thing I want more than anything at the moment is to have someone, when I come tonight, to just hold me. Not to talk to me and tell me it will be "ok" or that I'm strong enough and smart enough to get through it. I just want to be held; to have someone hold me until I fall asleep, to hold me while I'm sleeping and to wake up in someone's arms. Being able to physically feel supported....

Almost 2 months ago, I was challenged by one of my spiritual teachers, Sadhvi Siddhali Shree, to practice yoga everyday for 30 days. The plan was not for me to practice yoga for a set amount of time or to do certain poses, but only to some form and some amount of yoga everyday. I  could practice it at anytime of the day, no restrictions at all.

I hit the ground running at the beginning of this challenge. I was excited and very much energized to complete it. I looked forward to each day knowing that I would begin it with a practice that is so relaxing, challenging and inspiring all at the same time. I didn't worry about the amount of time I spent practicing yoga, regardless if it was 30 minutes or an hour.

As time progressed, it became harder for me fulfill my challenge. I went from full blown excitement and energy to not having enough energy to attempt it. I came to the point where, it was hard to get up to start my yoga session, but once I was in it...I was in it. I realized why I needed this and was happy to be doing it.

Even more time progressed,  I would say  I was in the home stretch maybe about a week or so before my challenge ended.  I could barely muster up enough motivation to do my yoga. I had to subject myself to reading my journal entries to remind me of how good I feel when I do yoga. That was sad. My yoga sessions had dwindled to 15 and 20 minutes at times. I was so disappointed with myself. I wondered why at the end? Why didn't this happen in the beginning? This wasn't the correct order of things. I rationalized with myself that at least I was doing everyday. I hadn't fallen completley off the challenge.

Finally the end arrived. I completed the 30 day challenge by only missing one day and making up for it with 2 sessions in one day, the very next day. I didn't fall off after that. You would think that after 21 days, my yoga sessions would have evolved into a habit right????....Haha NOPE!!! I didn't roll out a mat or get up for a session for 2 WEEKS!!!! I know right....what in the world?

My yoga challenge has been in shambles ever since....Even today with all that's going on, I'm still struggling to get it back.

Others may feel, well duh?!?!?! you just moved to a new state, new city, new house, roommates, the pressures of grad school and obligations to keep in contact with those back home...you have more important things to worry about...

But it's more than that....Yoga is WAY more than just posas you do to get your stomach tight or your butt flat. It is derived from spiritual origins as a means of opening yourself up, relaxing the nerves to enter into true meditation. It keeps you focused and provides clarity. It's like a physical cleanse for your body, mind and soul. This is why it is so important for me to get Yoga back in my life...

Now I know this may seem extremely farfetched, but I’m going to go for it anyway. I just got through re-reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone and one very wise thing that Professor Dumbledore always says stuck out and touched me.  This very wise thing was on the topic of love. He says and I quote:

“Your mother died to save you. If there is one thing Voldemort cannot understand, it is love. He didn’t realize that love as powerful as your mother’s for you leaves its own mark. Not a scar, no visible sign…to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some

protection forever. It is in your very skin. Quirrell, full of hatred, greed, and ambition, sharing his soul with Voldemort, could not touch you for this reason. It was agony to touch a person marked by something so good.”

Isn’t that kind of love, something? Love that surpasses all the senses that even though it lies within in you, present in every nook and cranny of your being, you are still blind to it. This is what fills every living being created. Love.

I don’t mean the love that you feel romantically towards another person or living being because even that can be tainted. But love, with its genuine and divine purity, so powerful that no amount of evil can change it.  

When someone who is pure and then covered with a layer of this divine, powerful love cannot even be touched by anything bad or tainted is blinded it makes me wonder If I can get to that level of purity.  This to me is the goal of the human life. To get rid of all that bad karma, toxins, ego, pessimistic ways of thinking, bad habits, pride, jealousy and even more negativities that encase you to the point that there is nothing left. True Purification. All stains bleached clean to where the only thing left is the invisible layer of divine love so embedded in you that you can never get rid of it and now so visible that you can see it.

Who doesn’t want to experience that?

To know and have this kind of love for all living beings leaves absolutely no room for hatred. No room or logic or reasoning for killing another life for your sake of enjoyment or tearing down a tree for a concrete luxury condo, no room for polluting one of the major resources that allows you to take another breathe,  no room for revenge or jealousy towards family or friends, no room for scheming or ill feelings towards someone or something else, no room to harbor hate to plot against another innocent soul, no room left for compassion and REAL LOVE for all not to have a space in your heart.

This is the love that I strive for each and every day, no matter how many times I may fail. This is the love that I want in my life,  not that of humans. This love is what started me on my journey, this is the love that keeps me on my path and this is the love, once experienced and realized will be the my destination.

Spirituality and Society are similar to oil and water at times.  Sometimes it seems as if the two don’t mix and never can. I’ve been experiencing moments such as these for the past 2 weeks or so. I have been going from one extreme to the next. Hopping around from one side of the spectrum to the other without ever touching down in the middle. Either I’ve been way too spiritual or I’ve been plunged into the deep dark depths of society.

One may ask, “way too spiritual,” how can this be? And the answer is through lack of balance. There is such a thing as going overboard on spirituality. Taking part in too many spiritual practices without having any down time, can be detrimental to your well-being.  Extreme spirituality is harmful. 

Luckily I learned this way before, I ever went too far.  So when I tried to back off a bit and find that middle ground. I couldn’t instead I went all the way right field and almost forgot about my spiritual path. I started doubting things, beliefs, myself and my current goals. I even began to question my teacher.  It wasn’t a peachy place.  I wasn’t eating healthy, watching tons and tons of television, listening to a lot of music with no meaning or substance behind it and falling back into the few illusions that I had managed to break through.

 I see why so much emphasis is put on how to be spiritual in society, because it is hard. Not to say that it can’t be done, but it is hard. I’ve learned this…for lack of a better word…the hard way.

The one thing that I can say is that I’m surviving it. Unlike most, I keep coming back. I may not always do what I say I am concerning my spiritual path, or follow the plans and routines that I so carefully map out or maintain the same level of enthusiasm and energy for my path. But so far, I keep coming back to it. Although it is very trying, tiring and somewhat frustrating to keep coming back to the same place, to continually flow through this cycle.  I’m happy and grateful that my soul is strong enough to direct me back to my practices, to my path, to my soul, to God. 

Because of that I know that I’m strong enough to stay on this spiritual train.  I’m capable of overcoming whatever rock or obstacle that may try to derail me or take me off my tracks. That I can and will do anything to keep coming back to myself.

***One thing, I just realized while editing this post is that oil rises to the top of water. Just like our emotions and feelings are at the surface of soul's ocean, we must dive into the deep of our consciousness past the emotions. I have to dive deep past the surface of the ocean, the oil of society into the deep waters of my soul....So here I go....****

As I Grew Older by Langston Hughes

It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,
In front of me,
Bright like a sun--
My dream.
And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky--
The wall.
Shadow.
I am black.
I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.
My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun!

This was another poem I found by Langston Hughes that yet agains sums up everything that I'm feeling. Even though, I know this poem is describing how his dreams are smashed and darkened due to racism in society for me it represents my dreams being burnt out by myself.

I used to be filled with so much energy and motivation to fulfill my dreams. I would come up with them and then initiate making them come true. And somewhere along the way, I have lost that inspiration. I think it has been due to me putting so much effort into my spiritual path that I've forgotten everything else. I've forgotten the playful aspect of spirituality. I've forgotten to have fun. I've forgotten about my dreams and with each day, they are growing older and getting closer to death.

I hope that one day I can revive them.

Dreams by Langston Hughes


Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.




This has now become one of my favorite poems. It describes exactly how I feel in this moment. I have been so stuck on being a serious, dedicated spiritual aspirant that I have let life pass me by. I have been so focused on having a spiritual routine down and not letting anything or anyone come in between that, that I have not lived the blessed life that I have. I have not completely enjoyed all the wonderful people that I have in my life.


There is a stigma that if one chooses the spiritual path, then there is no point in being in society anymore. That the world has nothing to offer you. I believe that's wrong. I've been trying to fall into that stigma and because of it I'm missing out. I've read and watched movies about other people living out their dreams despite all of the turmoil and chaos and dark times in their life. I've continually watched and read about others fulfilling their dreams and done nothing about my own. I've only been an observant to life, to my dreams. Can I not live out mines and still be dedicated to my path?


I feel as though, if I continue down this road, the journey of my dreams will end up like the Hughes' poem describes barren and broken.  

So I'm at one of my favorite places ever, The Japanese Gardens of Fort Worth, Texas. I finished one round of my mala and began watching this HUGE bumblebee try and get into this hole in this wood beam of my favorite spot.

I just watched it and watched it as the bee kept trying and trying to get into this hole. As I did, I kept thinking that it was too big for the hole and it should just stop, just give it up, but it kept trying. Then I thought well what if it tried approaching it in a different way like going on the side of the beam and crawling towards the hole instead of trying to fly right into it. But it didn't try a different way it kept doing the same thing over and over.

But as I kept watching, I noticed that something had changed. The noise from its wings hitting the beam had ceased and then I noticed its front pair of legs reaching for the hole getting closer and closer to its inside. The bee just kept trying and trying until in an instant it was in as if the bee fit perfectly.

This made me think about my situation with the video I had watched by my guru. At first, I thought this chapter of my path was done for. That he's not meant to be my teacher, but for some reason I couldn't let it go that easily. I became upset, infuriated even at the idea of what he had said. I thought surely he meant something else. I tussled and turned about calling and asking or just quitting all together. And that scared me.

I found myself not wanting to do anything spiritual because it all came from him. As I continually thought about it,  I began wondering if this was the moment, if the information and me accepting it was going to be the moment that I would truly be by myself. Losing a very close friend of mine. Making me truly alone. That scared me even more. How could I do that? Take a stance against my friend, someone who has been so secure in who she is for so long and agree with him.

I didn't' want to think about that. I thought maybe it would be possible to still learn from my guru and only disagree on this one thing, but I knew that couldn't happen. I knew that a serious seeker who is blessed enough to find a teacher is supposed to empty themselves of everything, of all their perceptions and current, perceived truths because none of that is real.

I even worked up the nerve to call and ask him about everything and he restated exactly what he said in the video, but would call or talk to me about it more later. That scared me too.

Everything was pointing in a direction that I did not want to go in.

But what scared me the most out of everything so far was the realization on this particular morning with the bee.

As I was watching the bee, I saw how its actions and my thinking all related to this situation.

I was trying to get the bee to quit, just stop or take a different path when all along it knew there was only one way to take. I didn't think the bee could fit, that it was not the right size for the hole and all along it knew it was a perfect fit, the corret one and just kept trying.

Ego is looking for me to quit to give up and its using everything it can to get me to. I'm trying to make up a different truths when there can only be one. The same way I was creating different methods for the bee.

Even though, I don't want to accept it because it doesn't LOOK right, it is. My guru is. Looks can be deceiving. I have to accept it and keep TRYING  to understand why it is truth. I have to truly let go of what I have only THOUGHT  to be true.

That SCARES me to DEATH because that would mean that this is the time where I may lose a very good friend.

Over the past few months, I have had extended periods of appreciation. I get these sudden bursts of emotions that evoke the utmost sincerity for my life and all the people in it.

I look at the trees with utmost respect and admiration. I gaze at the sky just happy to be able to look and look at its limitlessness. I smile at my dog with so much love and appreciation at how she has stuck by me in my ugliest and most evil of days.

I take a trip down memory lane and thank the universe, I thank God for the many blessings that have been bestowed upon me and the many obstacles that never made it to my peripheral vision.

I thank God for all of the guidance from past lives that have allowed for me to have enough good karma to be born a human, to want to know the truth, to want to merge and realize my oneness with God. To have enough karma, to make the step towards vegetarianism, for my compassion for the underprivileged and impoverished living beings in this world, human and non-human.

I thank God for sending me my few current friends that truly are MY friends. That have not backed down despite all of my deviations from normal. . For keeping in contact with me, when at times all I could care about was myself. For staying there for me, when I thought I was too good. For putting a mirror in front of my face, every single time I tried to run away from it. For sticking it out and continuing to try and get to know me no matter how rude and inconsiderate I was of them for seemingly no reason at all. That have been my Jacob in a variety of situations and still continue to do so. I love you beyond words, beyond description. Thank you for being my FRIENDS.

I thank my parents for having the strength and desire to take care of me and not give me up. To raise me and provide me with a life that was better than their own. To sacrifice their happiness and desires for the sake of mines. For supporting me throughout all of my phases and for continuing to support me through the ones who have made a permanent place in my heart. For supporting me on things, that they don't agree with themselves. For loving me in spite of all the ill treatment I have sent their way. For loving me and providing for me when I did not appreciate it when in all reality they didn't have to do a thing. I love you and appreciate you from the deepest depth of my soul. Without you and the good karma you've collected,  I would have never arrived at this point of love and respect.

I thank Arihantas, Siddhas, Acharya's, Great Teachers and Spiritual Practioners for all of the guidance, positive energy and blessings that they have bestowed upon me. For all the lessons, and subtle hints both verbally and "soul"fully that have been given to me. I thank them for the protection from collecting more bad karma that could have kept me from the truth, from God, from myself. I thank them for bestowing upon me the 3 greatest gifts of all time, a human life, the desire to know and realize God and to find a REAL, GENUINE, living ENLIGHTENED master that can help me get there.

I have been blessed beyond all measure. Lately, I just can't stop thinking about it all. Everytime I do, the gratitude just gets deeper and deeper, stronger and stronger and more intense.

We are all blessed beyond measure, even in times of darkness so dark that it is blinding.

So take the time to think and reflect on the blessings you have been given. Remember that no blessing is ever to small to be overlooked. Each one has shaped who you are, has given rise to another blessing and another blessing.

What are you Thankful for???

I just got through watching a video of my Guru and I'm not sure how to take it. I feel lost again just like I did back in December when I wrote Crossroads. Why is this happening? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? I feel isolated, confused, upset, angry, sad and just hurt. I don't know what to do anymore.

*This post was actually written in December of 2010. I just never posted it to the site. In order to get the full story please click here.*

This past weekend, I took myself on a much needed personal retreat to an ashram about an hour outside of Dallas. It was just the place I needed; secluded, in the middle of nowhere, no tv, no internet, no urban life, no distractions, no reminders of my daily life and it was affordable.

One of the main things, that I attracted me to the place was the spiritual energy that surrounded it. This was not just a retreat center where people go to relax, but rather a spiritual hub where other yogis and spiritual teachers have come for the benefit of helping others and working out their own karma.


I left the place renewed and rejuvenated and re-focused on what I needed to do spiritually. I had looked into myself to see the mistakes I had made and received instruction on what I needed to do make them right. I had my spiritual commitments and everything. I was ready.


While there, I was able to converse with another individual that, too, had in some way been connected with an organization that I recently decided to follow. This individual did not say or do anything to discredit or discourage me in anyway, but I felt compelled to do more research on an organization that I thought was the place for me and its founder. I did this TODAY.


After reading the websites and researching, I feel as though I'm back to square one. Its hard for me to stay in place that has such negativity. I don't know what to do or where to go. This could be the result of not having a living guru. This probably should have been a red flag to me, when I found out that the guru of this organization, stated that there would be no guru after him (although after the research, I've done I'm questioning whether or not he said that in the first place).


Not saying that its not possible to learn from a dead guru, but for me having to read books and lessons still leaves intrepretation up to me. It leaves with the responsibility of trying to figure it out. Which most would say isn't that better, isn't it better that you would have to look to yourself to think things through. I would say yes as long as you're not me.


I'm always thinking, analyzing, over analyzing, questioning, doubting. I need to be guided by an individual that knows where to take me, that knows my destiny. I need a living guru.

Let Go. My soul has been telling me this over and over again. Through all of my spiritual practices, meditation, contemplation, mala, mantra and yoga. Through it all…LET GO!!!

Let go of what? Is what I answer back. When first embarking on the spiritual path, It is safe to assume that one knows they will face criticism for not conforming, for being spiritual but not religious. One knows that eventually in the end they will have to do it on their own. They will have to de-plant the seed of attachment and hatred and let go of all negativities and lower qualities.

So far, those of us who are trying to get on the "fast track" to enlightenment or spirituality, we figure go ahead and get it over with now. Don't try to find a significant other, don't worry if you have friends or not or if the ones you have will remain, oh I don't need to worry about getting new clothes and if those pants rip oh well it's ok. And we think ok I've let go, what's next?

Then the paralysis sets in. Your unable to move, your just stuck unsure of why you're body isn't doing what the mind tells it to. You're so antsy to get a head start on the fast track that you never realize that you missed it entirely.

If the concept of letting go was that easy, we would all be spiritual. It's more than that. It's deeper, harder and requires way more effort and is so worth it. If you're like me, someone who researches and reads to make sure your knowledgeable, you have to let go of all the "knowledge" and information you have acquired from books, movies, TV and people. You have to let go of deep rooted beliefs and perspectives that have been instilled in you since birth; of society, of your present way of life, ideas of happiness, love and peace. Even once, even if you are able to let go of all of that and empty out your cup, there's still one drop of caffeine that's hard to get out, control...Or at least for me.

It has been instilled that you are the owner of your destiny, the pilot of your life and to some extent you are. You can control if you are happy, you can choose to be positive or be vegetarian. For spiritual seekers, who want to go beyond that into the deepest depth of the soul, control cannot be present. Why? Real Truth, God cannot be controlled or dictated. Simply, because it is unknown to you. How can you control that which you do not know, which you do not understand? It is impossible.

I believe that it is at this point where the seeker is able to genuinely, whole-heartedly surrender. Surrender to the teacher, to the guru, to Truth, to God.

I am at this paralysis. Unsure of how to truly let go. Because I know that the simple act of "thinking" of ways to let go, is control in and of itself.

A lot has happened since my last entry.

A lot of Ups and Downs.

Progression and Digression.

Frustrations and Peace.

Growth and Standstill.

In a short amout of time, I have come to realize the obstacles I will face and the amount of effort it will take to overcome them. For the first time since I have truly dedicated myself to my path, I'm afraid.

Fear has finally decided to show itself.

I'm afraid of the mountains, the endless oceans and the quicksand. But not afraid of the actual obstacles themselves, but of the results that may or may not come...

I'm afraid of my failure.

What? One may think.

How can someone who has gone against society with her meatless diet, held true and torn away from traditional religious beliefs be afraid of her path?

But we all no matter how strong, confident or courageous we may be outwardly, have fear.

We all have that one thing that is our Achilles' heal to progress.

Mines happens to be belief in myself.

Belief that I'm capable and strong enough to survive

any trial, test or obstacle that may come my way.

I lack trust in myself, trust in soul.

A trait, I believe is needed in everyone.

The levels of necessity, amounts and practice will vary

because we are all different and unique.

One of the deisres that truly set me on my quest of spirituality was an intense passion to genuinely feel oneness with all living beings, humans, animals and vegetation alike.

But how can I feel oneness with them if I cannot trust and realize oneness with my soul?

The answer is you can't.

Oneness, true change and love for all beings begins with loving yourself.

As most of you may know, my time in Bangkok, Thailand has ended. Unfortunately, I did not and was not able to write as much as I wanted too. I must say towards the end, around January/February, I became extremely depressed nad wanted to come home so badly. I began to hate everything about Thailand, my room, the people, the food, the traffic, the environment, everything... I made a calendar to scratch off the days until I came back home.



When I tell you it was bad, it was bad. Even my body was beginning to react physically to being in Thailand. It was like my body was telling me..."Its time to go, Nichollette, it's time to go." But as happens with most, as the time to leave gets nearer...it finally hit me that I was seriously leaving Bangkok, Thailand for good and more than likely never, ever coming back. But you know what, I really wasn't that sad...like I really wasn't sad at all. The only thing that I truly regretted was not being able to travel, experience and buy as much as I had hoped.



Now don't get me wrong, I won't miss the Thai people themselves, but I will miss the people and friendships that I have formed while living there. But luckily, we're from the states and we can arrange to keep in contact and visit each other from time to time. I hope that we will never lose the bonds we fortified in Thailand.



But Yayyyy to being back in the good ole U S of A. There wasn't a culture shock like everyone had said it would be. I didn't feel weird driving to go see my mom or seeing the neighborhoods. The only thing I felt weird about was being able to cook my own food in an ACTUAL kitchen and being able to play with my baby, Lexi (aka my dog, lol). Maybe I just trained and dreamed about coming back so much that it wasn't as much of a shock as it would be for most.



But you know what guys, I wasn't welcomed the way I thought I would be. I was expecting for everyone to be extremely excited to have me back. I don't know if it is because everyone has their own life now or that everyone is still living in a recession or if I forgot that I should never have expectations of anyone but I have to be honest that I was slightly hurt. I know they love me and care about me dearly but...IDK...maybe I'm going crazy or doing too much.....



--Signed...Confused.....

I've always heard it, but I've never experienced one of the most common phrases in the Christian community.



"GOD HAS A FUNNY WAY OF PUTTING PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT!!!"



This week, I have experienced this first hand. He has used two people in my life to show me things and to confirm scriptures that I have read.



One of which was a friend of mines that I was cool with my freshmen year in college. This person and I lived in the same dorm hall and shared a mutual friend which led to us hanging out a few times, going to parties together and several deep convos. Towards the end of freshmen year and the beginning of my sophomore year, I began to let rumors I had heard and things people would tell me become MY OWN judgment. This was a serious mistake on my part. I have come to realize that no matter how confident someone may be in the statements they make it is ALWAYS best to HEAR IT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH!!! and because of this, I did not treat this person with the respect and decency that I should have.



In my time of despair and the distance between God and I was getting greater, what would I wake up to on Sunday morning??? A very sincere, genuine and much needed letter from her. I would have never expected to communicate with her ever again. Here she was bright as day on my laptop screen with words of encouragement, true concern and guidance. God has a funny way of using people for his will in your life. Although it may not seem like much, she has helped to show me that nothing cannot be rewritten. No matter what you have done in the past...God can and will use it to mold you and prepare you for your future.



I don't feel like I need to name the person. Not that I'm ashamed or feel guilty, only because I dont need to brag about how far that I have come. You know who you are and I have expressed my gratitude with YOU.



The second person that has helped to confirm God's sense of humor is someone that I once believed I would be EXTREMELY close to and then later began to feel as though they were someone who did not need to be in my life at all. During the time that I felt this person was no good for me, I fell into my old ways and did not handle the situation properly. when I started to feel this way instead of falling into the shadows and gradually limiting the amount of communication between us I should have talked to you about how I was feeling and shared my thoughts and concerns. Not in a way to make you feel like you were doing something wrong, but to help bring some clarity to my actions or lack their of. Then out of no where, when all hope was lost, they brought sunshine into my life. They helped me to put a smile on face and in my time of need YOU were there to get me out of it.



Now I know this may sound silly, but I was in a situation that was somewhat crucial and then not really. But in either case, when I felt like there was no way to solve the situation, this person helped get it resolved.



God has a funny way of susing people that YOU think cannot help you at all....Thank you to those people and Thank You God!!!

So today is the 4th of February 2010 and I'm sitting in my classroom thinking.....where did the time go? As of this very moment, I only have 47 days 9 hours 49 minutes and 11, 10, 9, 8 seconds until I leave to come back to the states for good. Everytime I looked at my students today I felt sad and somewhat regretful.....Then the dreaded moment came...



They asked me if at the end of the semester I was leaving to go home....for good. For so long, I have been so anxious to get back to the states, to get back to my family, friends, food, familiarity and life. It never really hit me that the students that I have been spending practically every waking moment with, will be out of my life for good.



It is very likely that I will NEVER, EVER see them again. My heart just became very very heavy. For most of my classes, I really didn't teach. I took the time out to let them talk and ask me questions about whatever they wanted and really get their opinions on things. I let them show me their creativity on my whiteboard and teach me Thai words which I have already forgotten, lol...



I've realized that I've been so used to being on the go, constantly moving and never stopping that I have never enjoyed the joy and happiness in the little trivial moments of life.



Although I can never go back and change my time here in Thailand or change the way I taught these kids or how I interacted with them or change how fast I let my life pass me by....I SINCERELY appreciate all of the life lessons that my students have taught me. I just hope that from here on out I will implement them inot my daily life no matter where life may take me.



They have helped to me realize who I am...A FREE SPIRIT...and I know for some of you reading this especially my DAD you have recognized this in me from the beginning.



I truly am a FREE SPIRIT. I don't like doing the norm, I love trying new things, bringing new perspectives into my life, meeting new people, living in different places, constantly learning about different cultures, and doing whatever I feel like doing, learning, saying, reading or wearing.



THANK YOU THAILAND....you have FOUND ME!!!





p.s. do you think its bad if I befriend my students on facebook and skype??? LOL....

I subscribe to Streaming Faith, which is an AMAZING site by the way, and receive their Daily Devotionals. During one of the best summers of my Life, even though I was working 3 jobs to come back to school, I was reading these Daily Devotionals every morning before I started my work, I was listening to gospel music on the daily and going to church every Sunday. 

After that summer, I began to slack off quite a bit, but I still receive the Daily Devotionals. I have not been doing a good job at keeping up with them, but when I do I run across a LOT of good ones. Today this one reminded me of something that God revealed to me a LONG time ago, and I just forgot about it.

I have decided to post it here for you. It comes from one of my favorite books of the Bible, James.


The Battle of the Mind
Dr. Frederick K.C. Price

Everyone has to fight the battle that goes on in the mind. Our thought life determines where we are in the things of God. When people meditate on what is wrong or the negative side of a situation, they become blinded by the problem and never see the escape available to them. Our Heavenly Father has given us a way to bring forth light, and that is through diligent study and meditation of the Word of God. In Hosea 4:6 God tells us, "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge."

As Christians we are going to have to learn how to apply Bible knowledge to our lives, if we want to win the battles of life. God instructs the Believer on how to control their thought life by utilizing His whole armor. Ephesians 6:10-17 says, "Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God;"

The Apostle Paul uses armor, the battle dress of the first-century Roman soldier, as a metaphor for God's spiritual armor. Clearly, the military metaphor is intended to show that we are engaged in an active battle. Therefore, Believers must recognize that they are in warfare everyday, and that the battlefield is our minds. The whole armor of God has been provided to help us guard against the enemy of our mind--Satan. Satan's only weapon against us is through the mind. If he can put thoughts, ideas and suggestions in our minds, then he can control our actions. We must come to understand that ignorance of the Word and victory over life's battles are impossible roommates.

If we desire the overcoming life of Jesus then we will need to "take up the whole armor of God." We are not to focus in on only part of the armor to the neglect of the other combat coverings, if we do so we will find ourselves defeated. It is the whole armor-knowledge of the Word of God-that gives us the victory. We need to take each piece of the armor as illustrated by Paul and apply them to our life so that we can benefit from its protection.

Family, it is critical that we acknowledge that the warfare is not against physical forces but against powers that have authority in the spirit realm. Paul not only warns the Believer of a clearly defined demonic structure, but also instructs us to take up the whole armor of God in order to maintain a battle stance against these unseen forces.

Satan's mode of operation has not changed. He continues to use the same mind game that he used on Eve in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:1). We are going to have to recognize his deceptive ways and stand against them with the Word of God.

Our battle is clearly spiritual. Satan launches assaults on the mind in order to affect the spiritual aspect of our lives. The mind is like the door through which the enemy has access. If Satan can influence our thoughts, he can control every aspect of our lives. Therefore, we must examine every thought that comes to our minds. Are they the fiery darts, the evil day and or the wiles of the devil? Every thought has either a life or death component attached to it. Once a thought is allowed to have access in our lives, it begins its subtle work.

This is the reason God tells us in Romans 12:1-2: "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."

Dr. Frederick K.C. Price is the founder and pastor of Crenshaw Christian Center West in Los Angeles and CCC East in Manhattan. To obtain more information about his ministry, please call (800) 927-3436 (800) 927-3436 or visit www.faithdome.org. Click here to browse and purchase MP3 sermons by Dr. Frederick K.C. Price!

Hey so I got TAGGED on YouTube to talk about my 2010 Hair Resolutions. ( I was so excited to be tagged I didn't know what to do). Although at the time, I had never really given to much thought to resolutions for my hair. When I decided to do the video, I was at work and just had some spare free time before I went to sleep. Afterwards I decided to give it a little more thought and come up with some better, more measurable resolutions.

Here's the vid and my UP-TO-DATE Hair Resolutions:

1. 8 inches of GROWTH (yeah thats a lot but it can be done)

2. Reduction of BREAKAGE not shedding (because there is a difference)

3. MOISTURE! MOISTURE! MOISTURE! (I'm on the search to find the BEST moisturizer for my hair, if you have any tips please let me know.)

4. Establish a HAIR ROUTINE like a real CONSISTENT hair routine.

Here are some links to watch the video just in case the video doesn't show up:

http://theessenceofbeauty.webs.com/apps/videos/videos/show/6734336-my-2010-hair-resolutions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuZ19aT5Yp4

WISH ME LUCK!!!

So yeah the title is pretty harsh I know, but right now I'm HIGHLY HIGHLY upset. So basically I have been having issues with trying to get money home ever since I arrived here. I thought I had it solved when I could just wire money from my Thai account to my WellsFargo account all online. I was like cool beans....I can do it myself. I don't have to be inconvenienced with going to a branch before a certain time or inconvenience anyone else in the states with having to go pick any money up and it would all cost me roughly 20 dollars.



Well the first transaction I made was 20 dollars short. I, of course, attributed this to a miscalculation on MY PART the currency conversion. I made another transaction, this time double checking my figures and making sure that everything was okay. It happened again. So that time I try to get some answers, I call my Wells Fargo bank first and discover that what I see online in my american account is what initially came to them....ok ok...so that must mean that the extra charges occur before it gets to Wells Fargo.



So I go talk to my Thai bank and they tell me that they have to send it to a corresponding bank and it is that bank that charges me the 20 dollars. So I'm like well why didn't you tell me that before you allowed the transaction to go through and they just look at me dumbfounded. They don't offer to refund me my money or to waive the charges for future transactions. They just stare at me as if I'm the dumb one and they're the victims. Again I was highly upset.



So the third time, i start researching trying to find CHEAPER ways to send money home. I check out Western Union, Money Orders, and a couple of other banks. I came across Bangkok Bank and I called the customer service rep and he explained to me how they have a branch in New York and because of that branch I would not have to incur any fees from a corresponding bank because it is the SAME bank just a different branch.



So I'm all excited, I'm thinking finally something is going to go my way. I get to the bank and verify everything the customer service rep told me with the actual bank employee before i made the transaction. Well low and behold 2 days later what do i see in my WELLS FARGO account a nice little transfer that is what...you guessed it...$20 short. I am infuriated and more than perturbed. I go to the exact same branch. I call the customer service center and after an hour of going back and forth back and forth nothing is resolved. They are still looking at me DUMBFOUNDED like I was the stupid one.

All in all, I was not particularly upset that they charged me more so because they did not INFORM me and instead of taking responsibility for not TELLING me what was really going to happen they just expected for me to deal with it. It is because of this and many other instances that I have realized that the Thai people are not one to take responsibility for their mistakes. They expect for you to accept it for what it is and move on. In America, when the company or person is at fault they take responsibility. If I would have been in America and this would have happened, they would have made up for the difference.

Man I CAN'T WAIT TO GET BACK TO THE STATES!!!

As you all know I have always toiled with the idea of wearing nothing but protective styles for a year or so. I've come to the conclusion that as long as I am financially able...PROTECTIVE STYLES here I come!!!



Now I haven't been able to find too much on what protective is best, but I have been informed that braids do better at keeping knots from forming at the ends verses twists but of course that is with only YOUR hair not with added hair. So let me know your thoughts and what you think....



But the TRICK is you only have 6 MORE DAYS until something is done about my hair....I hope to hear from YOU soon....



Here is the vid:



http://theessenceofbeauty.webs.com/apps/videos/videos/show/6670098-poll-senegalese-twists-vs-braids

I never fully realized how the temperature of the water can really mess with the outcome of your hair. I recognized early on the different effects that hard water and soft or purified water can have but not the temperature. It was not until I began looking up homemade recipes and reading how these recipes were carried out that there was any mention of cold water for this or hot water for that.



In my research I was able to find that hot and cold water can reduce or improve the retention of moisture and how clean ones scalp can be. Kind of similar to how steam and hot water works when cleansing the face. I found a lot of information on sites trying to aid people with alopecia (hair fall or hair loss) such as this one www.ayurhelp.com



Hot water actually dries the scalp and hair. It is best not to use extremely hot water when cleansing. Instead one should use very warm water. When it touches the skin, it awakens or stimulates the pores. Allowing for them to open up. This makes it easier and more efficient for cleansing the scalp . With an open pore one can ensure that they are getting rid of the maximum amount of build up.



Cold Water does the exact opposite. It causes the pores to snap shut. This is very helpful when moisturizing or conditioning the hair. You want to make sure that it keeps all of the moisture that it can.



So it is best to use warm or hot water whenever you are shampooing or co-washing to make sure you get any build up left from product use. Thus allowing for the scalp to breath and improve growth. It also leaves the pores open so that whatever conditioner you follow up with can get right in to work better. Whenever you are doing a deep condition or just conditioning it is best to use cold water to rinse out the products. That way all of the "conditioning goodness" that your hair soaked up while the pores were open will not be rinsed away. Thus maximizing hair moisture.



I tried this little method out on December 30th, 2009 when I declared that I was going to take care of my hair and focus on low manipulation and moisture....And...it WORKED!!! After my pre-poo and deep condition, I rinsed with cold water instead of hot. I was able to get all of the product out and my hair was amazingly soft. Even with the hard water of Thailand. I will continue to use this method from here on out.

At this point in my hair journey, I have decided that low manipulation and moisture should be my focus. After looking at my current length shots and looking at a few of my YouTube videos from the past (july in particular, "Romy Monologue" and another can't think of the title at the moment) my hair is the exact same length as it is now. Like most I became depressed and frustrated. Then I realized that its not that my hair isn't growing, I'm just not retaining the length. Which of course is due to ....(drum roll)...BREAKAGE!!! And what does breakage comes from....DRYNESS or a LACK of MOISTURE!!!



As my hair has been continually breaking off, I checked to see what kind of hair was breaking off. If you examine a strand hair and it has a little white bulb or ball at either end that means it is not breakage but natural shedding which is going to occur no matter what. But if there is not white bulb that is pure breakage from dryness or too much protein in your hair. Too much protein can cause the hair to stiffen and become very hard, which leads to breakage as well.



Seeing as though, my strands of hair did not have little white bulbs on them and I don't use any conditioners, shampoos or leave ins that contain extra protein I felt it was safe to assume that my ahir was breaking off becasue of a lack of moisture.

*This is more or less the amount of hair that came out of my Denman brush after detangling...this does not include all of the "stragglies" on the floor

I have also learned that the "hands in your head" disorder can increase or encourage breakage, especially in naturals. As most naturals know, we have a tendency to always want to play in our hair and do different styles with it all the time if not everyday. This constant touching of the hair can lead to all kinds of contaminants in the hair shaft and on the scalp. Since our hair is very curly and coily it is actually weaker than straight or relaxed hair. At every bend or curl is an easy access point for it to break off.



With all of that being said, I have decided to maintain a protective style at all times and concentrate on keeping the ends of my hair moisturized daily. Especially while living in Thailand. If all goes well, I think I might continue to wear protective styles for at least a year if not more. This is my proposed routine (hopefully I can stick with it)....



Style: Box Braids - 2-3 weeks

Routine:

Pre Poo Treatment - Mixture of Honey, EVOO and a cheap conditioner

Wash/Clarify once a month - Organix Nourishing Coconut Milk Shampoo

Co-Wash once or twice a week - Wan Thai Aloe Vera Conditioner Treatment

Deep Condition once a week - Wan Thai Aloe Vera Conditioner Treatment, EVOO/Vitamin E mix,

Coconut Oil and Honey

Scalp Treatment - Hair Growth Oil mix after every Co-Wash

Daily Moisturizer - Nature Glo Spray on Conditioner - ON THE ENDS

*Both of these products I found in Thailand and they both contain Vitamin E, ProVitamin B5. The Spray On Conditioner has Jojoba Oil in it as well.....and oh The conditioner does have protein...hmmm

With all shampoos, I will focus on the scalp only and not the hair itself. I think that if I can keep this up at least for the time that I am in Thailand until I get to the states that I should at least be able to retain the length I have now and that in the future. I also took a couple of length pics so that I could track my progress. To view those just go to the Photo Gallery. So now only time will tell. Wish me luck!!!

*Me with my first Box Braids ever on New Years' Eve

So the plan to use bananas to help with the moisturization of my hair did not turn out too well. As I stated in my previous post, I was not able to find bananas in baby food form. I tried to try out the recipe without the bananas and add yogurt to the mix. Here are the specific quantities that I used for each ingredient:

4 tbsps plain yogurt

2 tbsps honey

2 tbsps extra virgin olive oil

150 ml coconut cream

This mixture was sooooooooo runny. You would think that with it being coconut cream and yogurt that it would have a creamy texture. Unfortunately, I could have just bought coconut milk and had the same result. I don't know if it was a translation error, but that was not coconut cream. I was highly upset, but tried to remain positive and thought "hmmmm, i have an empty spray bottle maybe I can put it in there and just spray it on." This was a disaster, I had to use several items to get the mixture from the bowl to the spray bottle and then when I tried to apply it, the mixture was TOO THICK to come through the spraying apparatus. Can we say perturbed??? (hehehe although the pic below doesn't look like it. I was trying to stay positive lol.)

Finally, I was resolved to just try and put the liquid into my hands and apply it that way. At first it wasn't going to bad and then the drippage began. It flowed and flowed and flowed and then began to POUR heavily down my face. Don't get me it smelled amazing like pie, but it was so sticky and when the water began to evaporate or dry or whatever it began curdling the towel that it was dripping on and the yogurt made the smell very sour. I had to try and use my shower cap to catch the drippage and wrap my head with TWO towels to try and catch everything and keep my head tilted back. In the end I laid down on my back for one hour!!!

Basically the point is DO NOT use coconut milk or cream in liquid form. Luckily for me after, the horrible mess I was able to find a couple of ways to get the coconut milk to thicken up. What you have to do is cut a small hole in the carton or container that the coconut milk comes in and leave it in the refrigerator for a few days before you plan on applying it. This is supposed to produce the effect of curdling and allows for the milk to become a cream and allow for it to adhere to the hair better.



I tried to leave it on for at least one hour and a half but I couldn't do it. My limit was one hour. I rinsed it out and needless to say my hair was so so. My hair was softer after the pre poo recipe that I use before washing my hair.



The end result, a complete and utter mess and IF, IF I do this again I will definitely find a way to add bananas and make sure to curdle the mix days before I use it.