Ever since April 24th, 2011, I have gone by my spiritual name, Manjusha. Back in the old days, names actually had a purpose, a meaning if you will. Babies were given names that symbolized important figures or certain virtues and good characteristics. This was done in hopes that the child would grow up to emulate the person or the virtues that they were named after. Although, the naming of babies today does not carry as much importance as it once did, a spiritual name functions in this way.


I choose to go by Manjusha in order to be reminded of my purpose, the goal of my spiritual path. Every time someone calls me Manjusha, I'm reminded of the vows I've taken, of the habits I've vowed to get rid of, of the goals I've set for myself. It's almost like a continual reality check throughout the day. Even if I'm not constantly in sadhana, the moment someone opens their mouth to call me, my spiritual path is ever present in my life. It's like my co-workers and friends are my spiritual teachers without even knowing it.

The name, Manjusha, has a rich history in Buddhism. One of the famous bodhisattvas associated with wisdom name was Manjushri. It means "lamp of light." My Guru gave me this name so that in everything that I do I can remember to be my own light.

When he first told me my spiritual name, I didn't really grasp the importance of it (possibly due to the excitement of taking my vows). But as I meditated on it and mulled over its meaning, I realized how beautiful it was and how significant it was to me.

Being your own light means looking to yourself and only you to guide you. Becoming confident in who you are, your capabilities, skills, your intelligence. Not relying on anyone else to direct your life, your actions, speech and thoughts. I am my own light. I guide myself. No one else. I have to become independent. I have to learn to trust in myself.


Now this is huge for me. Simply, because I always look to others to confirm my decisions, actions and choices. I don't have enough self-confidence to trust that what I have done and said is right. I look to others to tell me what to do, to validate my actions. I don't trust in myself to lead the way. So when he gave me this name, I knew that it was perfect.


But there is another added component to my name and its significance to my journey. Even before I found my Guru, I knew that I wanted to make an impact on this world. I wanted to change people for the better. Get them to open their eyes to the truth and realize that there is so much more to life than what one can see. I want to light others, but I can't do this until I light myself.

My name is my Spiritual Journey. Be my own lamp, so that I can guide others out of the darkness.

My last couple months of school have been like a purgatory for me. Instead of Heaven and Hell, it has been Spirituality and Society. I started off this year so enthusiastic about my spiritual path. I was going to truly begin transforming myself and being truly committed to my path....boy did I get what I asked for.

During my sadhana in trying to do it whole-heartedly, I would use certain phrases or things or goals to help me. Such as saying to myself, that I know suffering is inevitable, so I want to face it now instead of waiting and be afraid to go through it....be careful what you pray for, you just might get it and man did I.


It led me to this dark place of frustration, loneliness, sadness and not anger but extreme exhaustion. I've seriously thought about giving up on it all; on school, on friendships, on my spiritual path. I've asked myself over and over what am I doing this for. Because I was so tired of thinking, I watched more and more television online to get the mind off of it. As a result, the quality of my schoolwork began to fall. I got behind in school instead of being ahead like I had planned. All of this just caused me even more despair. I was so depressed that I couldn't do anything. I couldn't think, move, speak or do sadhana. I didn't want to speak to any of my friends and for many days did not. I secluded myself to my room for days because I couldn't stomach seeing the faces of another human being.


I hadn't sat down to do sadhana in over a week...until this morning. Although I didn't have this AH-HA, I'm back moment while reciting the universal mantras, I realized that I needed help, I needed support and words of encouragement...I decided to read one of my spiritual teachers blog and watch my spiritual masters YouTube video on problems. It helped me to see that I'm simply being....a PUNK! I can't wimp out. I don't want to wimp out.


I mean I asked for this right? I asked to endure the suffering so I could be a better person. I prayed to experience the pain from my past lives to break through the karma. I repeatedly asked for this over and over WHILE reciting mantras?!?!?!...I guess I never thought in a million years that it would be this hard for me psychologically; to have to do it by myself makes it all the more harder. I mean I have people around me, but I'm not sure if I have some around physically around me that truly understands what I'm going through and how hard this is.


But the funny thing is, even if I had someone or several people, I have this deep feeling that I need to go through it alone. That I need to learn by myself without relying upon others. I need to learn how to be content alone without being lonely.


I'm not sure how one does that. I've tried thinking of ways to cure my loneliness, but they haven't worked out as of yet. I guess I'll just keep trying until something just clicks...but will anything ever click?


Is it possible that I'm going through a prolonged dark night of the soul?

I'm not sure if I've told this story or not, but I'm going to tell it now. On April 8th, 1987, Nichollette Jones was born into this world in Fort Worth, Texas. I've always considered myself to be outgoing, adventurous and somewhat of an overachiever. I was raised to work twice as hard and go above the average in order to be successful in life.

I was told in order for me to live a good life with a nice house, car and money, I needed to go to college and secure a job making at least six figures. I had to be mindful of my appearane, my speech and needed to be well versed on a variety of topics.


This is the advice that has guided me for 23 years.

On April 24th, 2011, Manjusha was born.

As you know, I have always believed that there is more to life than material things such as money, houses, cars, clothes, jewelry and so on. I've always thought that there was more to us, that we were more than just bodies. Although, I've believed this for quite some time, I was never serious about finding what the purpose of life, especially my life truly is; until November of 2009.

It was then that I began searching; searching for Truth, the divine, searching for God. I dibbled and dabbled in many things...Christianity, yoga, Buddhism, meditation and other organizations, read many books, but it wasn't until December 28th, 2010 did things truly begin to change in me. It was January 1st, 201, that I met my Guru and I was awakened.

I was consumed by my spiritual path. It was like osmeone filled my veins with the energy of God. My desires to be loved and love, desires for attention, success, material wealth, fame, fortune, everything had been wiped out the front door. All I wanted was to know the Truth, learn from my Guru and finally realize the connectedness we all share.

As I continued walking down this path, my spiritual aspirations began to evolve to become deeper, more committed.  Then one day, I thought to myself...I could do this forever...I want to do this forever. I shared this with my spiritual teacher, the only disciple of my Guru and then she shared it with my Guru.  I knew that it would not happen right away (although that would have been awesome), but still things happened quicker than I had expected.

My Guru told me that I would be taking vows in April or so, but I wasn't quite sure when in April or if it would really happen. Then one day as I was walking Lexi, I had this overwhelming feeling to simply sit outsie in the rain and meditate. Meditate on all the negative qualities that I wanted to get rid of and replace them with the good qualities that I wanted to acqurie. Almost as if , the rain was washing away my sins and my soul was rising to heaven with good qualities. Immediately after I had this wonderful idea, I shared this desire with my Guru. About a week or two later on Easter, I took my householder vows an became a shravika or simply a householder and was renamed Manjusha.

I was surprised, scared and elated all at the same time only because I knew things would be differen now. I would be different and there would be no turning back on my spiritual path. I am no longer the material girl that I once was, desiring nice clothes, attention and worldly gain. Rather I have changed into a perosn, an individual who desires what everyone else does, bliss and understanding.

I've never though of myself this way. I didn't think that I had changed as much as I really have. But...now as I reflect over the past few year, I'm no longer Nichollette...I'm Manjusha.

All I can think of lately is freeing myself. Freeing myself from any traps or illusions, restrictions or rules that are keeping me from reaching my full potential; not allowing my mind to be used 100% instead of just 7%.  Life seems to be a constant battle between this or that, him or her, good and bad, etc. I just want to be free from it all. I daydream constantly about what being free would look like, feel like...I picture it with me in a cottage in the middle of the woods with my own plot of land, with a garden near a river just meditating...happy. Happy to have my own place, Happy to have a silent place of solitude free from the grips and pressures of society, of those I love, of those that I need, of those things and persons that I depend on.

I would love to live in the Himalayas of Tibet or India by myself, away from it all. Even though I know if I want to change the world and its people, I have to be in it. But right now that's so far away from me. I want nothing to do with stipulations of living in society. I want to go away and find myself and in finding myself free myself....I just want to be free...