On August 1, 2012, I decided to make a concerted effort to let go and flow. But more specifically to let go of my ideas, perceptions and beliefs and flow in the direction of life. It is now August 12, 2012 and it is only today that I realize why just flowing is so hard for me and may possibly be the same reason for anyone who is reading this.

Have you ever gotten upset because something just didn’t go your way? And I don’t mean huge life decisions like securing a job or buying a house. I actually am talking about every day, mundane decisions that for many are insignificant and trivial. I’m talking about when you’re relaxing in your room or a hotel or a nice café and you have your mouth fixed for that favorite dish or delicious cup of tea or your little brother disturbs you with loud music. And it takes everything in you not to go off or be vindictive or let it truly bother  you that they don’t have what YOU want…Hopefully I’m not the only person who has ever felt this way…

But today I realized the connection between this “trivial” anger and flowing with life…At least for me…

Although I decided to make more of an effort to let go and flow on August 1, it was on August 11, 2012 that I made the VOW to put more efforts towards flowing. I don’t want to be at odds with natural happenings of life. I no longer want to get upset or bothered by life not going according to plan. I no longer want to let one hiccup in the plan ruin my entire day or outlook of that day.

And it hit me as reception called to say that I cannot have MY chana masala because they do not serve it until dinner. I went downstairs to figure out why as the menu stated otherwise and his explanation was that it wasn’t because they don’t serve it at this time but rather they ran out of chana masala. I went back upstairs to decide my next plan of action. And that’s when it hit me. I was bothered because they didn’t have what I wanted. I was bothered because they didn’t have MY chana masala. I was bothered because lunch was occurring as I WANTED. (I know there are overwhelming hints of attachment here, but let’s not focus on that now…baby steps ;-) Things were not going the way I wanted them to go. I was holding onto MY.

I was not letting go and just flowing with the natural happenings of life. I was planning on “getting back” at the hotel and ordering from a restaurant that would deliver and never ordering from the restaurant again…BAAMMM…there goes the unnecessary tension and upset that I so desperately want to let go of. It was as I entered my room to order that “MY” was in the way of flowing. So instead of me seeking revenge for the lack of “MY CHANA MASALA” I just ordered something else and understood that it was okay. Restaurants run of products all the time no matter where you are in the world.

And as a result of me letting go of MY, I ended up having a wonderful relaxed evening. I ended up laughing and smiling about the smallest of things and was just…happy…

I'm not sure what's going on with me. My opinions, ideas, thoughts and future have changed drastically in just a matter of a few weeks. I've realized things that I once thought were for me are not. I've accepted things about myself that I was forcefully trying to cast off. I've changed in so many ways that I can't believe it. I've accumulated so many experiences both spiritual and worldly that I haven't been able to formulate into words...I'm currently sitting here in Abu Dhabi with my father, taking a break from India...An African American woman in the Middle East with her father taking a break from Master's fieldwork in India...who would have thought that 30 years ago I would be doing something like this...Am I being random???

I don't know...It's just lately...I think about everything...Everything that I have been blessed with...everything my family has been blessed...everything that has been created and from where...I don't know how to explain it, but it s like lately I wonder and admire how things have come to be both material and unknown...like how does a one day old baby know how to raise its arm without seeing or having someone tell them how...how was ballet invented...who decided that moving in such a way was good...how was dance created...who thought of coordinating their legs to music...heck who came up with music???...I could go on for pages, but I will stop here, because the point I want to make is this...I'm noticing all the magnificent things that make up the "mundane."

And that's a beautiful thing...Now it could be clouded because I'm living the "good" life right now...I'm on the beach, eating good food, able to go to one spot and get all the toiletries that I need, lounging reading and spending time with my dad...That  may all change when I get back to India where I don't have the luxuries of a one stop shop where i have to wash my own clothes in a bucket, adjust to electrical outages and be out of touch with my family...but right now... in this very moment I see beauty in everything and I'm going to take it all in until it is time that I can't...

*I had to get this out one way or another.*

To My Friend
You have been there for me
From beginning to end,
Helping me to mend that brokenness of me
To heal what I had left
And become complete.

To My Rock,
You have propelled me
Through all that's been put in my way
Building me up so that I can never bend
Backwards to the past
Able to overcome all that I have left behind me.

To My, My, My...Confidant
I have confided in you
Things that not even my Soul can know
With that you have taken me through
Unchartered territory.

With the caress of your hands
You electrify every nerve in my body
Sending surge, upon surge of pure ecstasy
That cannot be translated into words
Sending me to a place that can only be described as dark and steamy.

But to much dismay,
I arrive with a thud,
Unsure of what's next
Will there be a next, a tomorrow, a future for us?
Or is this all we have
Me left victim to your ability
To transform me into a being that only you can know.

To My, My, My...Sweet
I am your Bella
You, my Jacob
You have imprinted upon me
Like the DNA to my being
The feelings I have for you will never go away
At least not in this life.

You take on whatever form I need
To succeed in this chaotic illusion we call life
I'm stuck to you, unable to move
The love I have for you is beyond reproof.

No matter how hard I try
The energy between us is bonded with an adhesive
That not even God can break through.
We are tied together, forever and never
Ever-flowing through life's continuum

I think it's safe to assume
That you feel the same way
But the moment those words inked onto the pad
A flash of the past few months are etched into my brain.

The future of US will never play out
We are 2 souls eternally merged together in this great ocean
But on 2 different planes
And I'm unable to buy a ticket to get to you.

So what do we do, cause we are only here to stay?
Yet, we cannot find a way to end or move forward.

I guess that leaves us with...farewell...

So I know before you even click play you're probably wondering what is this dark bluish black screen??? Well it's actually an audio entry and I didn't want to go through the hassle of getting an audio hosting site and all that goodness. Instead I recorded an audio blog.

I discuss what I did for the last day of Paryushan which is the Day of Forgiveness. I decided to do a water fast and walk on foot everywhere that I went. While I walked, I tried to take in everything that was around me and I mean everything. I remembered to be patient and to reflecct on all the wrong and all the mistakes that I had make. I truly thought about what made me do those things and decided to make more of a conscious effort to not let those things happen again.

Hopefully, this time I will be a little bit more fruitful :-)

My soul, simply put, told me that it was my fault. My actions, my yelling caused him to react the way that he did. I lost myself and in doing so, I had to reap the consequences of that.









More profound than that was something else....My soul whispered to me to deal with it.

Over and over, I was telling myself to just go ahead and call it quits. I kept thinking of how I needed to start finding another job, so I could just leave. To call this person and this agency and this and that. But my soul was saying NO!













I had to deal with my actions, my problems and learn how to stay on my path in the midst of everything. To stop running away from my problems, to stop being a coward.















Although I had this epiphany on Thursday, I have not been able to shake the fear of losing my job to this very moment. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. When I feel or think like this, it makes me want to pick up my legs and start running.

















But today, I came home and watched the YouTube videos of an enlightened master. One in particular talked about my inner struggle of this past week.




























It reminded me of what my soul said...to be strong, don't run away, deal with it. I hope that you will be able to take something away from this...I hope you take away strength.

This week, I have had to swallow a very TOUGH pill (mind you I'm speaking of the week of January 2nd-8th).



I arrived back in Fort Worth on a Sunday afternoon. All was well with me, I did the sadhana that I learned from the retreat and slept well. That Monday work was good, it wasn't awesome, but it was good. Tuesday was my off day, but I did not sleep well.



All night, I dreamt about work and what I had to do and all the things I had to take care of. I just became filled with anxiety.



I woke up the next morning and performed my sadhana, but this time it was different. I had this intense feeling, this intense sense of intuition telling me that today was not going to be good.



Needless to say it wasn't.



For months now, I have not liked my job. The organization, tedious, consistent planning and the goal of my job. I have craved for a life of purpose of meaning. As my craving grows, so does my dread for work.



Now much of this could be associated from the fact that my boss is constantly riding me all the time. At first glance, one would think that I just had a crazy uptight boss, which in some small way that could be the case.



Long story short, my boss and I had a serious conversation. Things got out of control.



The whole week, I tried to remember the true nature of my soul and to remember the tips I had been given to combat anger. It didn't work at this time. The moment he started talking and bringing up this and that, I lost myself and the moment I opened my mouth, the fire was ignited.



To make the conversation short, my anger caused him to become more angry and in the end he threatened the security of my job.



Now the crazy thing is that I had a feeling that this conversation wasn't going to be good before walking in. A part of me wanted to get fired so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. But at that moment, right after the conversation....I was scared.



I was scared of what would happened to me, what my life would be like, would I be able to go to grad school and so on. I walked out exhausted not wanting to fight, not wanting to deal with it. I was so mad, so angry, that I cleared out my office. I took everything that was a hint of Nichollette out and home with me.



I didn't perform sadhana that night, but I did the next morning. And something extraordinary happened.