It's officially been 36 days since I decided to make the effort to recommit to my spiritual journey and if you've read my previous posts you should know how the first 30 days went. Now I'm into my fifth week I guess, but I'm not sure whether I should continue under the umbrella of the "30-100 Days Challenge" any longer. I say this because I challenge usually entails you picking one thing or several and sticking to them for a designated length of time. Challenging yourself to be disciplined and committed to the task at hand. What I'm doing now couldn't be farther from that. Primarily because I don't want this to only last for certain period of time, but for the rest of my left. Secondly, I'm not necessarily challenging myself to try a new practice or picking one thing to focus for a certain time. I'm attempting to incorporate life lessons and life practices for...my life. To practice and live for the rest of my life. Maybe I can still call this a challenge, but instead deem it the "Lifelong Challenge" instead of 30-100 Days??? The jury is still out on that one.

Regardless, I will report on what Week 5 of whatever this is now was like for me...

Surreal. Calm. Happy. Bouts of Random Laughter. Peace. Acceptance. Surrender. Trust. Relief. Release...

These words describe my week. I continued with my active surrender,but for some reason this week it lead to more action. I had asana sessions 3 times which considering that Saturday is a rest day and I get 3 days off as a "ladies holiday," this was the exact number of times I was supposed to practice this week. I was so elated! Unexpectedly of course ;-) But more importantly, is how I felt while I was on the mat those 3 times this week. I pushed myself in a way I never have before. And I think it paid off. I sweat and I slightly groaned, but in the end as I lay in savasana, it felt like I let something go. Like I was shedding something. It was great and I was happy to be on the mat. I didn't have to push or work so hard to get on my mat this week either. Progress perhaps?

I continued with my constant engagement of devotional practice throughout each day as well. This time including spontaneous urges to recite mantras while sitting in my car waiting to go into an interview or while cleaning around the house. It was quite lovely. I can't remember a time where I laughed and had so many moments of peace, joy and laughter at home, by myself, in a material worldly environment.

But more interesting than that, all of my prayers were answered this week or most of them; the big ones rather. I've been praying to God for the strength, courage and confidence to continue walking on my path, to learn to trust and have faith in God, in myself, Soul. I must admit though along with that I have also been praying for material things as well. Such as a job for the summer and a teaching job for the upcoming school year. I was beginning to get anxious as I've now applied to 20 school districts and only one had contacted me. If you know me personally, you now how much of a worry wart I am and how I'm always scared and nervous that nothing will pan out and I will be left struggling to survive. Why I have no idea? I truly think its embedded in my DNA. My current situation was only fueling that anxiety.

For the first time in my life, I had no idea when or where my next paycheck was coming from. I had limited funds that were dwindling, no job and bills continually coming in. I was freaking out (my best friend, Jess, could probably go on for hours about how I needlessly complained). My cell phone bill is due next week which would have taken out a huge chunk of the funds I had left over. I prayed to God to give me the faith to carry on. I prayed that God would give me a job and if not, give me the strength to accept it and do what I could to assuage the situation. Within one week, this week 5, I not only interviewed with Old Navy and landed a job, but the temp service I'm registered called about a short term 1-2 weeks assignment to start immediately. I also received news that I had passed the New Teacher Quality Selection Event I attended and was invited to a Hiring Event this past Friday.

The temp service allowed me to miss Friday so I could attend the event. Friday morning, I got dressed and was on my way. I checked in looked at the list of tables I would sign up with for an interview. There were so many schools needing teachers. This comforted me...at first...until I looked into the crowd and saw the number of teachers in the stands. I prayed again, but this time I asked God to instill in me the strength, courage, confidence and energy to wow these principals and be myself; so that I could get offered a job on the spot, but also to give me those very same traits to continuing pursuing education if I did not. I looked at my list that had the schools, their table numbers and their vacancies to formulate a strategic plan of action to get as many interviews as I could where I wanted.

It was now time for me and all the other elementary teachers to go on the floor and sign up. I rushed down the stairs and was on my way. Next thing I new I had 5 minutes left. I made my way to my last few tables. I had signed up for roughly 8 interviews for the day. I made it to table B-5 where I thought I would be signing up for a 1st grade teaching position. To my surprise their 1st grade position required the teacher to be able to instruct in Spanish as well as English. The only vacancies I could apply for were 3rd and 5th grade ESL positions, positions I wasn't particularly fond of. I dropped off a resume anyway, but couldn't sign up because that table was full. I left to sign up somewhere else. Before I knew it someone was calling my name.

I looked around and it was the principal at B-5. I walked back. The principal began talking to me and wanted me to stop by her table. All of the time slots she had, I had already filled with someone else. She insisted that if I finished early to try and stop by. I said yes and left again. I heard my name again. It was the assistant principal calling me back over to B-5. I went and ended up having a short, no more than 5 minute conversation at B-5 and before the time was called for us to stop signing up for interviews, I had an offer to serve as a 5th Grade ESL teacher. I was completely taken aback.  I hadn't even interviewed and I had a job....Was this real? Was this really happening replayed over and over in my mind?

Although I didn't necessarily want to teach those grades, for some reason while talking to the 2 women and reflecting on the experience, it felt right, it felt natural, as if this was where I was supposed to go, as if this was God answering my prayers, as if this was the direction and place God was leading me. I couldn't say no. So at 10am on Friday, June 21, 2013. I not only had a temp position where I would get paid the next Friday, but I also had an opportunity to take on a part time position at Old Navy (which I ended up turning down) and a permanent, salaried position teaching to begin in August.

My bills would be paid, I could fill up my pantry and now start making plans to pursue my dreams, pay off loans, save for future travelling trips and more. Needless to say a HUGE burden was lifted from my shoulders. I was saved. I no longer had to worry about how I would get the money to pay my bills, to have gas or to buy food. I no longer had to worry what I would do for money anymore. I no longer had to worry. Everything was given to me.

The moment I left the building the Hiring Event was housed in and got in my car. I screamed. I screamed again. I screamed so much and so loud that I could feel my vocal chords going raw and the onset of hoarseness coming my way. I couldn't believe it and still don't. Once I finally settled back at home. I couldn't stop smiling and looking up to the sky. I couldn't stop humming a random silly tune and saying thank you while closing my eyes. I was at peace and happy for the first time in a really, really long time. Even as I'm writing this the day after, I think I'm dreaming. It was too good, too easy to be true...right? But it was and it is. God answers prayers. Things do happen. Dreams can come true. Peace can be obtained. You only need to actively surrender...

I'm finally here with a report of Week 4 of my challenge, the very last week. I still wasn't as active as I expected or hoped of myself....BUUUUTTTT.....I completely accepted it without any...or let's be honest...much judgment. But to my excuse or argument, the last week was a pretty intense week for me. I had to fly back to Wyoming for my thesis defense as well as prepare for a New Teacher Quality Selection Event with the one out of 19 school districts in the DFW area to contact me. So needless to say I was in extreme tunnel mode this week preparing for both events.

I was able to get one asana session in. I also recited my mantras several times throughout the week as well. But this week of mantras was different, it was a tad bit deeper than normal as if my mantras were more than mantras this time around. They were active prayers and expressions of my innermost desires. This is something I have felt from time to time, that my mantras transformed into prayers in certain moments and situations in my life. I guess this would make sense as mantras are supposed to be acts of devotion. Devotion and prayer do go hand in hand.  

Instead of actively going to my designated corner area to pray, recite mantras and commune at a designated time everyday, I was in constant communication with Soul and God throughout the week, throughout the day. Praying and talking to God in my spare moments. It was different, weird, but natural for me. I recited and prayed and talked whenever the urge arose within me or I felt it was necessary. I loved it. I didn't feel ashamed not to be doing it at 6 am and 6 pm everyday as if those were the only perfect times. I recited at my times; the time when I needed it, Soul needed it. It was a different experience for me. One that made me feel more relaxed, natural and comfortable with my spiritual journey.  As a result on my last day in Wyoming (after successfully defending and passing my thesis), I visited one of my favorite, most serene spots in Laramie, the Greenbelt. I just walked around for a bit, but I mainly journal-ed and took pictures, attempting to capture the extreme peace and sense of relief I felt from taking the one of the final steps on my graduate school journey ;-). It was...beautiful. I felt light and relaxed and calm and at peace with my life and where I was at in all aspects of my life, spiritual, personal, social, all of it. Ironically, I also had an extreme sense of acceptance as I knew that this "high" I was on would not last. That it was perfectly logical that it could very well end in as short as a few hours. Surprisingly, that was perfectly ok with me. I didn't cling to it nor despair over its inevitable passing. Instead, I allowed myself to soak it all in. It was what I like to call....awesomazing...

The peace did wane a little bit upon arriving back home in Texas and preparing for the New Teacher Quality Selection Event that upcoming Saturday. I was anxious and scared and nervous about it, but it was different. The nervous calm I had at my defense arose again and everything was ok. I accepted the nervous feelings I had and they seemed to...not necessarily subside but not affect me so profoundly as they could have.

So needless to say, although I was not as active as I had planned. I was consistently inconsistent as my Soul Sister, Mila, likes to say. Where you purposely let go and attempt to flow in the direction that life, that Soul wants to take you. I love this concept and the lesson she imparted upon me. It played a crucial role, I believe, into the experiences I was able to gain and open myself up to this week. But instead of using the term "consistently inconsistent," I like to call it actively surrendering ;-) Purposely surrendering to life, actively designating God, Soul, the Universe, higher beings whatever name or concept you choose to guide my actions and experiences, instead of Ego, Satan, the Devil, again whichever name you choose. Active Surrender it leads to beautiful things...

*Mila is a happiness life coach, based in Florida. Two hours away from Miami. She is a close and very, very dear friend to me. She is also the founder of Happy Life Discovery where she helps others to find the happiness and purpose in their own lives. Check her out at www.HappyLifeDiscovery.com

Remember those questions, I posed at the end of the post titled, Week 2? Well in Week 3, I got a little closer and by a "little closer" I mean like one really slow baby turtle step close ;-) Week 3 started off the same way as Week 2. I was still in a frumpy mood and didn't feel any closer to getting back to my spiritual path. I still wasn't doing my sadhana, no praying, no mantras, no yoga. No nothing, not even thesis things either. To be honest, I felt more distant and further away from everything that truly used to direct my every move, thought, action and dream. I was more confused than ever and really needed some guidance. I decided to write a letter to my spiritual guide which he responded to with a phone call. I was not expecting it AT ALL. I was actually kind of scared because I thought I was breaking some type of ascetic rule. My face lit when my phone rang and I saw it was him, but then that smile simultaneously faded as I had no idea what the conversation would unfold. That letter was the first time that I had been really open to my guru and I had no idea of how that letter would be taken, if at all. Even more so, I was worried that my fears would be confirmed, that the distanced I'm feeling is rightly placed and walking the spiritual path is not my journey. Needless to say, I was worried (I'm sure my other spiritual teacher would have said that was a great insight in and of itself). I asked my questions and he reassured me of many things, while also leaving me in the gray area for many others. When the conversation ended, I felt better, but questions still lingered and new ones arose. I decided to do my best to just let the conversation be and recall the definitive statements and answers he said to me and not think about the gray areas.

For the rest of the week, that worked and didn't worked at times, but I felt myself starting to go from frumpy to ok, when one morning I decided to call my other spiritual teachers, who in many ways was my first. She is also the disciple of my guru. We've always had this weird, instant connection from the day I met her in 2010 (a connection perhaps to be exposed much, much later in this blog). As a result, I've always felt I could be completely honest and open with her as if I were speaking to one of my best and closest friends. So I called early one morning, half expecting that she would be busy and not answer, but lo and behold she did. We talked for quite a long time about many things which she gave me...not just good advice or even very good advice, but the right kind of advice...you know that kind that makes you go "you sure are right" or "aha" upon hearing it. Like it just clicks for you, no matter how hard it is to hear it. These are the moments I had on the phone. I explained to her the negative emotions, feelings and thoughts I was having towards people, those that I was in conflict with and those that have and would only treat me with love and kindness, people who would probably support me and try to uplift my spirits. I also informed of her of the accompanying shame towards myself of my feelings of jealousy and pride towards those very same people who would do nothing but love me (some of which I have never even met). Her words comforted me in that she stated that this was a good thing in many ways, that I was not personally jealousy or mad or vindictive towards good people, but rather the emotions are coming out of me to be dealt with. I still felt and feel bad about having those emotions, but I feel better in knowing that this is a part of the spiritual path. Emotions come out in different ways and forms for different people. And this is just my way. These emotions are here and they can't be erased with a magical eraser, rather they have to come to the surface to realize and recognize that they are there and be dealt with in a constructive way centered around awareness. 

I automatically started thinking of how I could deal with them. When I simply asked her how. When she said you must get to the root of them. This is what my guide says as well. But I wondered how do you get to the root of them without forcing things? Without stopping bad thoughts and so on? Awareness was the key. You let the thoughts play but you do not engage with them and allow them to carry you off somewhere (she said more elegantly, but hopefully you get the picture). You become aware of the stream and how the stream starts flowing without stopping it. This way you not only come to understand the entire process, but you allow the negative emotions to flow out of you and because you know how the entire process works, you will know when the process is starting again and then can you become aware and do what is necessary to not allow the process to go any further. But to begin this tranformative process, I have to let go and surrender to the emotions that I'm feeling and recognize that they are there, but they are not Me.  So that's what I'm doing or at least doing my best to do. I'm trying my best to surrender, to give in to what's inside me and just be an observer, no matter what ugliness may come up. I have to accept that it is there and it's ok. It's part of the process...

I also told her about the confusion and the distance and my inactivity on the spiritual path. I asked her the same or similar questions I posed at the end of the Week 2 post. She confirmed that nothing in life and on the spiritual path should be forced. And yet, one must recognize the difference between force and action. She stated that laziness, inaction as a result of not doing something even though one wants too, is a form of karma. If one is attempting to do something that they feel an allergic-like reaction to almost like complete and other repulsion and revulsion, than that is force. This makes sense to me. And clears many things up. I don't feel like praying and mantras and yoga are my personal allergies. When I actually muster enough will power and agency to actually get on my mat or go into my spiritual corner area, I love being there, I want to be there. It's getting there that has been the issue. Laziness is my issue and as it is a form of karma, I can overcome it, simply and yet so tough. The only way to overcome laziness karma is to act. I have to do it, no matter what. It is the only way. Seeing as though this is laziness, its not forcing myself to do anything, its overcoming a high level of inaction and replacing with the proper activeness which is required on the spiritual path....

After that conversation,  I resigned myself to do better. I felt like I now had the necessary tools to go forward with this challenge and do better. I wanted to do better. And my week got a little more active. I did my asana sessions and I prayed and recited mantras. I even began journaling again. It's now Saturday and I feel good about moving forward now knowing what to do and what's going on with me. I'm finally...slowly...gradually...turtle-like slowly beginning to learn acceptance, letting go and true surrender...

I wonder what's in store for Week 4?!?!?!...

Time really does fly. I'm already at the end of week 3 of my "challenge" and so much and yet so "little" has happened to me. I won't promise that all the details will be recalled, but the bigger picture realizations will definitely be covered. Week 2 was quite tough for me. I literally didn't do any sadhana, with the exception of 2 or 3 days where I prayed and chanted and maybe 1 or 2 days of asana. I knew this part would come. As my spiritual guide always says there are always highs and lows, so there is in life, so there will be on the spiritual path forever. The only thing that changes is how one chooses to react and perceive the "lows." Week 2 was definitely, a low. I allowed the idea that nothing should be forced. I didn't want to do anything, go anywhere, talk to anyone really or think about anything, I just wanted to sit there wasting my time and killing my brain cells by watching hours and hours of TV on end. I didn't even walk my dog! As I didn't want to force myself, I did nothing. For many days that's seriously, what I did. Then I began to wonder, why I didn't feel like doing anything? 

At first, I trumped it up to some spiritual karma or something. There's "something else" keeping me from doing spiritual practices, that's it. It's not my fault or at least not from this life.  Than I thought no, no that's too simple and not true. I can't take the blame off  of myself. Why aren't I not motivated? Then I thought because I have so much to do, thesis revisions, thesis defense presentations, bills to pay, budgeting, food, looking and applying to all kinds of jobs, worrying about finances. I can't do sadhana until those things are taken care of. It's not sadhana, if my mind is completely on those things right? I felt like I was starting to get to the bottom of it, when the next question that popped into my head was "Why do they take up so much time and your spiritual practices which are very important too, if not more, do not?" 

That's when I had a click, one that didn't make me feel that much better. I felt like I needed to spend time on thesis things and work and so on, but I just wanted to do sadhana. WHOA!!!! It felt like my heart was aching a bit. Why didn't I feel like I needed to sadhana? Was this bad? Is this good? Should sadhana be a need or should it remain a want as to be enjoyed when its is performed. Or should someone force themselves to do sadhana because its been said in all the books that it is good for you. So with that should I force myself to do sadhana , even though there are times when I don't want to? I've always had my friends, especially those who are spiritually inclined and motivated tell me that one shouldn't force anything, especially sadhana. My guide reminded me of this as well. Force should not be a factor, role player or present on the spiritual path. It should be natural and flowing like a river...but (and this is my "mind" at work here) at the same time the river doesn't not flow idly, it actively moves, swerves and curves passed and over rocks and land. So one should be active on the spiritual path, too. 

So how does one decide what role sadhana plays on a spiritual seeker's path? Should it be a want or a need? Should sadhana be forced? If not, how does one define and know when they should be active and when they should not do something because they are forcing it? I would love to hear what you think. So message me on Facebook, email or leave a comment below...

So much has happened during this first week of my 30-100 Days Challenge. I have cried and recited mantras so deeply. Slowly and little by little I can feel my desire to walk the spiritual path increasing. Most importantly, little slivers of light on what I must do have been revealed to me. I have unresolved conflicts in my life with others that must be resolved and despite what my ego so desperately wants I know one day, at least for one of them, I will have to be the one to resolve it. I've had hard realizations about who I am, like really who I am, bad and ugly...mostly ugly. And that's been hard for me to take in. I've realized that part of the many negative emotions I feel are a result of my own ignorant actions. It makes me sad in many ways, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel right. I realized that I've grown and changed so much when despite the initial realizations about my "true" self instead of reverting back to my old ways and wallowing in self-pity or thinking that I'm too far down the dark hole to climb up, I resigned myself to change and take a risk. Now nothing major, but instead of becoming more of a recluse/hermit and anti-social being that I've always been, I decided to reach out and attempt to speak to individuals I haven't in a long time as well as open up even more to those that are currently in my life. This is huge for me, especially for those who don't know me. I don't let people in and those who are had to work unnecessarily hard to do so. Even then, I haven't let them completely in. This has only been to my detriment because there are some really AMAZING people in my life who I so desperately need in their entirety right now. I have to let them. I have to take the risk that no matter what happens, if they are meant to be here they will stay, I have to let go of my fear of being alone because this fear has already made me lonely. This scares me...almost to death. Because I don't want to be alone. It's not good to be alone. By alone, I don't mean physically by yourself, but I mean to be disconnected from others. That is the true definition of loneliness (I got this from an article I just read so its pretty legit ;-). To be lonely is to have this constant feeling of disconnection or superficial connection to others. This perfectly explains how people who have the armies of people around them feel as though they are the only person in the room and how others who may only have a handful of people in their lives are fulfilled and constantly feel at home. Loneliness is the lack of real connections with others. That's what's going on with me and its only my fault. Even sharing this about myself is a risk, but I do so because I want to change, I want to be happy, but I also want to share with others. So if someone who is just like me is reading this, they, too, may take the step to changing their lives as well.  

But on a more positive note, this week has been good for me in so many ways and I can't wait to keep going. I actually want to keep going. I have been reminded of why I started walking the spiritual path in the first place, to experience God's love. For the past few months, I have allowed myself to fall, fall back into a mentality of doing whatever to please men. Not that I have done anything drastic, but I have felt and been aware of how my thought process is descending into an abyss of dependency. It all came to a head as I was trying to help one of my closest friends whose friend was similar to me. I've been single for a very long time. At first it wasn't too bad because I was so busy and then after a few years of non-starters and periods of absolutely no one, it started to take a toll. Then I was floating on a spiritual high for quite a while and I had no care in the world to be with anyone, I just wanted God. But that high subsided, thought I had someone, epic fail and then thought I found someone else and that's when I could feel myself slipping. Slipping into someone who is becoming more and more concerned with superficial, just to keep someone interested in me. During my devotional times this week consisting of prayers and mantras, I realized that my desire to have someone be interested in me so much is because there is a void in my life. A void missing certain forms of love. I say certain forms, because I do have love in my life. Unconditional love stemming from my amazing and beautiful parents. If I didn't have the love they give me on a daily basis, at times when I so need it and they don't even know it, I have no idea where I would be. Due to Love's immensity and vastness, one humanly type cannot suffice. You need multiple forms. The only way not to be dependent on multiple forms of human love is to bask in the fullness of love which is God's love. With this realization, I realized or at least I believe I've realized (let's be honest my Soul/God radar is completely out of whack these days) that my spiritual path is one of love and devotion. God's love is what started me on the path in the first place, it only makes sense that it is the only thing that will both renew me and keep me walking. It is my goal, it is passion...to experience God's love, learn how to love others the way God does and show others how to do the same. My path is one many Indians call bhakti, a path of love, devotion and selfless service to God.

This week has been beautiful and ugly, but all working towards a greater good....a better ME...I wonder what the following weeks will have in store...

*Oh and on a logistical note, I have kept to my plan for the first week with the exception of one day...Pretty good I think ;-)

So I've been battling a lot with myself and life, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and psychically for a few months now, probably more like years without knowing it ;-) But I've arrived at a point in my life where a decision about my life will need to be made soon. Not particularly life-changing or huge like having a baby, but I'm gradually arriving at the time where I need to make decisions about who I want to be, where I want to go and what I want to do. Not to say that these decisions have to be permanent, but I need to build a foundation for the rest of my life. I'm young, but not so young that I can't just live willy nilly...especially as I'm seeking to go beyond the material of the world and ground myself in the deep trenches of divinity. Unfortunately, I've felt detached, disconnected and completely out of sorts with the spiritual journey. And I need to find a way to either get back to it or come to the realization that its just not my time to be spiritual.

I've been thinking about what to do and not to do for quite some time now. Being that planner, organizer and list maker that I am (although that could  and probably is detrimental at times), I've come up with a challenge of sorts. I think challenges are good because they are short term and gives one the time needed to know if something is good or bad, working or not working for them. I started doing these after being inspired from one of my spiritual teachers and have successfully and unsuccessfully started and finished and some times finished many of these challenges. Luckily for me and my soul, it is summer time, I'm practically finished with school which means I have the time and energy to dedicated myself to this challenge hopefully seeing it through. So here it goes.

For the first 30 days, I'm going back to my roots and starting off slow; gradually easing myself back into a dedicated and semi-rigorous routine. I will simply wake up every morning and pray and pray every evening. Sincerely pray to God. In praying I mean talking to God, sharing with God my issues, deepest fears, secrets, happy moments, appreciation and gratitude. During my prayer time, I want to give everything over to God in a mutual relationship of give and take. It is with my prayer time that  I actively want to let God into my being and build a strong relationship, a friendship with God. I know God knows everything. God knows everything that I intend to share, but it is one thing to simply allow oneself to accept that truth and actively share. In verbalizing it, I want to prove to God my desire, my wish, my longing to be with God.

I will also recite a set of mantras in the morning upon waking and in the evening before going to sleep. Universal mantras applicable to any religious or spiritual group regardless of sex, gender, ethnicity, race, religion, sexual orientation, you name it. They are a set of mantras that I believe helped to keep me going at the beginning of my journey and create vibrations that reach a part of me that I have never journeyed to. When I recite these mantras its not even a recitation, it's more long a song, it's like an expression of my desire to God and myself through quasi-singing (let's be honest I can't really sing ;-).

I will also develop a consistent asana/yoga routine following the rules and prescriptions of the Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga Tradition. This means practicing EVERY DAY except for Saturdays and New and Full Moon Days. Yeah, I know it's real. But I've been doing this...sort of...for the past month or so and I love it. Actually have been blogging about it at Love.Yoga.Dream. and post regularly about each asana section there. I fell off for the last 2-3 weeks due to the craziness that is my life and the end of the school semester.

That's it...Simple? A little. After 30 days of following this plan, I will take time to decide how I feel, if I want to keep going and hit the 60 day mark, add any other spiritual practices like meditation or malas and go from there. If I decide that I do then I will post about the extension and any changes to "the plan." Once and if I hit 60 days, I will do the same reflection again, but extend it to 100 days. The inspiration behind a 100 days challenge, came from another blog I read from an old soror of mines who embarked on a 100 Days of Prayer challenge. Her reasoning and passion behind was so impactful that it inspired me to the same, but knowing how fluctuating my reputation is with challenges I decided to adjust and modify it to my personality and success rate ;-)

I'm excited, nervous and scared about this all at the same time. I'm unsure of how it will turn out or where it will lead me. I'm not expecting to have the door of answers opened to me or multiple session of clicks and realizations. I'm only looking for clarity and direction for my life in whatever form that my take....Here we go

*I already posted about the asana session of Day 1 of this challenge here.*

Scene from Rise of the Guardians where
Santa Claus is trying to get Jack Frost to find his center.

I find spiritual inspiration in the oddest of places and the most unexpected. I just finished watching Rise of the Guardians. I was in the mood for some child-like fun. I don't know why but I've been itching to watch children's movies for the past week or so. And I've been trying to rent this movie for weeks, but of course I'm in a small town and the only renting facility available is RedBox, so of course it was always out :-( But ALAS...Today it was available and I jumped on it. 


The movie takes the most popular childhood myths, the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Sandman and sets them up as a team of Guardians that have vowed to protect the children of the world. The children are threatened by the infamous Boogeyman known as Pitch Black in the movie. When the Guardians meet to come up with a plan to defeat him, the Moon aka the Man on the Moon, who created and founded the Guardians informs them that he has found a new Guardian to help them, Jack Frost. 

*Santa Claus' center...a cute big eyed baby.

When Jack Frost is taken to the Guardian's Headquarters aka the North Pole, he refuses to accept his guardianship. Santa Claus being the Big Man that he is pulls him aside to convince him to do otherwise. His discussion is what touched, resonated and inspired me today. He simply asked him "Who are you Jack Frost? What is your center?" Jack had no idea how to answer. Claus proceeds to present to him a matryoshka doll (I had to look up the proper name myself ;-). It's the wooden russian dolls that continually open up to a smaller one. But Claus' doll has various different faces with differing emotions. Many of which contradict each other such as intimidating to jolly to mysterious to fearless to caring. Continually peeling down until Jack gets to the last and smallest of the dolls that can't be opened anymore. Claus identifies it as his center. There are no emotions on his face, just a small baby like doll with big eyes. Claus goes on to explain what this means which I won't go into detail here. But it is his center that allows him to put out the wonder and joy that he does each and every year leading up to and on the day of Christmas. It is his purpose. 

It made me ask myself what is my center? what am I meant to send out into the world? and although like Jack I can't answer that question, I sense that I'm on my way to finding it. Lately, my life has been filled with ups and downs and it still is, but for some reason...it doesn't seem as tragic as it used to...I'm not sure if its because I've been developing a more consistent asana practice or if I've done better at balancing the amount of time between relaxation and productivity or if its just because its the end of the semester and I have the "-itis" of just not caring anymore or a combination of them all helping me to find my way. But this movie, this scene inspired me to keep doing whatever it is I'm doing and to never stop believing in myself, my dreams, my hopes and my fears; to never stop searching for who I truly am not a layer that makes me but for my center, the part of me that cannot be peeled or opened up. That part of me that just...is...no layers needed...

For the past few weeks, I've been reading a subtly inspiring book called Writing Yoga: A Guide to Keeping a Practice Journal by Bruce Black. I had no idea what to expect. I thought it would be a more practical book just giving me exercises to do in my Yoga journal, but it turned out to be much more.

I love writing and journaling. For some reason, I'm able to get a little closer to being honest with myself, getting down to the "nitty gritty" of me as I like to say. And with my new found yoga "high" this book was heaven sent. Combing two of my loves writing and yoga (at least at the moment ;-) Both are spiritual in so many ways and Mr. Black makes that connection is in book.

Writing Yoga is the combination of one man's spiritual journey into the consistent practice of Anusara yoga and how keeping a journal allowed him to not only continue that journal but give it more depth than he could have imagined. Although the book is filled with actual journal exercises, I came became engrossed in Mr. Black's story, at how profound going through the asanas of Anusara were so much more than just poses. They were gateways to understanding life...his life. It is from this book that I have begun to see the journey as more than just a way to purify one's body and get in shape, but rather the stepping stone to this game called life and more importantly the first door to open on the spiritual journey. I love this book so much. I can't wait to purchase my own copy (I obtained the book through the wonderful inter library loan system at my university) and add it to my collection of books that have inspired me to keep going.

Mr. Black's book came at the perfect time for me. Yes I was on my Yoga high, but it was dwindling. My spiritual mojo was dwindling. I was stuck in a place of what to do, what did I need to do. Should I do everything? Japa, meditation, asanas, pranayama? Should I just start with one, a combination of two or  three? Or should I just do nothing? And his book allowed me to recall a realization I made myself after reading Awaken about the body...that asanas, that starting with the body is a must. Not only because it houses the soul, but just like the home is the basis for our lives the body is the physical manifestation of home for the soul. As such, what happens on the mat and in or with our bodies is representative of what goes on in our lives.

The book is filled with so many personal accounts, quotes and actual journal entry's of Mr. Black. He gives an excellent account of the different steps he went through and the lessons that he learned. Even though I'm sure there were many more that he learned, the themes- which are the names of the chapters- are lessons that are universal to everyone. Themes that everyone will learn or needs to learn in order to truly gain the benefits of a consistent asana practice. Themes such as "Listening to Your Voice", "Opening Up", "Awakening to the Connections" and "Finding Your Balance."

One of my favorite chapters was "Just Sitting." It was my favorite because it shed light on a huge challenge or obstacle to overcome for myself on this spiritual journey...just being. In the "Just Sitting" chapter, Mr. Black explains that challenge-in many cases overwhelming challenge- that comes for most of us in simply sitting. We think that all we have to do is cross our legs and lay our hands on our knees. But sitting is much more involved then we think. Sitting is stillness of the body, but it is confrontation with the mind, confrontation with ourselves. And I don't know about you, but that's pretty scary. Being and confronting oneself the good, the bad and the ugly is THE most hardest thing to do in the world. Who wants to look at all the bad, all the flaws, mistakes, and just outright negative things about oneself? But Mr. Black explains that this is a good thing. In facing oneself, especially the bad and the ugly, one gains understanding and with understanding comes acceptance and after acceptance comes peace. He doesn't necessarily explain it in that manner but that's how I read...those are thoughts and connections I made within myself while reading this chapter. Now it didn't make me want to be like "yayy let's start sitting" "woohoo for seeing my bad side...let's do this" or anything, but it helped to give me perspective on why "sitting" is so important on the spiritual path.

There are so many things, insights, reflections and anecdotes that I love about this book. It has helped to fuel my desire to practice Yoga and truly progress through the 8 limbs of Patanjali's Yogic system. It will be a book that I will continually pick up for the rest of my life. And needless to say I have to start doing the journal exercises for my own yoga journey ;-)

 

 

I strongly encourage ANYONE and EVERYONE who is thinking of starting a daily asana practice or taking up the practice of Yoga in-depth and allowing your asanas to speak to you in more ways than one to pick up this book.

You can also find Mr. Bruce Black continuing to give tips, advice and sharing his lifestory about writing and yoga on his blog www.journalpractice.wordpress.com. I know I will be checking it out from time to time.

If you do decide to pick up this book, let me know what you think of it :-)



 

For the first time in years-other than a beginner's Baptiste vinyasa class I did years ago- I went to an actual yoga class at an actual yoga studio! Yeah I know. It was a 90-minute long Classical Hatha Yoga and Meditation class held at a local yoga studio in Laramie (name to be disclosed later ;-). I was nervous about going. I had no idea what to expect how many people would be there, what level everyone would be at or what the instructor would be like. It was complete darkness to me. I was originally supposed to go with a friend and colleague of mine, but due to our lives as grad students she was unable to make it. But instead of backing out, I decided to go anyway and I loved it!

It was completely and I mean completely different from what I'm used to practicing at home, the style of it was different, the speed and the combination of poses was completely left field for me. And OMG, the Suryanamaskar was a different speed, style and combination of poses-way too fast for my liking and compared to what I do at home. My initial thoughts were like "whelp I won't be coming here anymore" but for some reason after progressing through the whole hour and a half of practice-which went by faster than blinking my eye- I found myself wanting to come back. Really feeling like this is what I need. A challenge, a push and a place outside my home with help from a professional to do that.

Our instructor appeared to be around my age if not younger, but who knows - yogis tend to look younger than what they really are and despite that it really doesn't matter and I found a yoga instructor who had been certified at 16!!! (sorry for the rambling, energy is flowing). You could tell she knew her stuff too as she called each pose by its sanskrit name and only referred to it in english if we had these "what is that?" looks on our faces. She was awesome. She had me getting into or at least attempting to do poses that I had either one never heard of or two never tried like dolphin pose or makarasana, camel pose or ustrasana and fish pose or matsyasana. But the most shocking of all was headstand or a variation of it. I believe its called salamba sirsasana its a headstand but you are balancing and using your forearms to hold you up. When she announced this my first thought was here comes the laughing and the falling. But luckily, there was one other student who hadn't tried it either and our instructor eagerly assisted us in getting into the pose. My initial thoughts of fear and embarrassment quickly dissipated before she even got to me and instead I was filled with acceptance of myself and reassurance that as long as I keep on this path, I will be able to do salamba sirsasana on my own.

 

*Here's a pic just for reference at how scared and intimidated I was.

That is huge for me as I'm the worry-wart type that is always putting pressure on myself to perform and perform at a level that is beyond the average individual. The fact that one I had the thought of acceptance of my novice level in asanas and that two the original pressurizing thoughts quickly dissipated is huge for me and my spiritual walk.

Needless to say I loved the class and look forward to going back every week, alone or accompanied.

*Be on the lookout for a new post each week naming the Asana of the Week that I'm learning. As well look for future posts on the Asanas that our included in my daily practice and the classes I take*

 

 

 

 



So I'm back at again. Back on my yoga high, but this time I think it may be for real like for serious this time ;-) Or at least I will actually improve and progress in this round...I decided to make a video instead of a typical written blog post. Figured I'd change things up (not really I was kind of being lazy too). I hope you enjoy and let me know what you think!

 

 

This morning I started my first day of my whole Yoga and C25K program. And today was Purnam Yoga day, the style of yoga that my spiritual master created and taught me. In watching the home videos that I made for myself just in case I fell off the yoga wagon and needed a refresher I noticed that I learned more than one form of Suryanamaskar or Sun Salutation in Purnam Yoga. One I was taught to me by Acharya Shree and the other was a form I learned while doing asanas with Siddhali Shree. And then there was this crazy version that I formulated sort of unconsciously while practicing at home.

This morning though, I decided to try doing Suryanamaskar the way I did with Siddhali Shree. After 6 rounds of Suryanamaskar, Vriksasana or Tree Pose, Trikonasana or Triangle Pose, and a few sitting postures, I didn't feel as relaxed or calm as I usually do when I do my "own" version (whatever that is). This wasn't a bad thing. My thoughts...ironically...didn't start going in the direction of "my" version is  better, but rather I had the realization that Yoga or rather asana practice is flexible. And I don't mean in the obvious way. There are so many different Yoga styles, modifications and practices that it inherently allows for so many variations. And what does this mean for someone like me or anyone for that matter? That it is porous and flexible allowing for any individual to cater whatever style or asanas they've learned to themselves and there's totally nothing wrong with that. Asana practice allows for one to go through a posture as fast or as slow as they want or need. Asana practice allows for you to combine and perform whatever postures YOU need WHEN YOU need them.

It's not rigid or strict in that sense (its only strict in actually practicing consistently). And this is what I love. Even further I love how even more FLEXIBLE yoga is when I practice at home. This is where I really have the freedom to sit or relax into a posture for however long I need to without the calm voice of an instructor. I am my instructor. I am in control of what my body does and for how long. I love that I can take as much time as I feel my body needs to just breath and sink even lower into downward dog or relax in child's pose and oh my gosh tree pose is my favorite. I can allow myself to become balance and grounded even more through taking the time to slow my breath, relax my shoulders and allow my body to feel all the effects and benefits that comes from tree pose.

I love yoga. I love its flexibility. I love the awareness its brings to me of my own body and consequently myself.

There was once a time in my life where I felt so sure, so confident of the direction my life would take. I was excited, eager, ready, passionate, enthusiastic, willing and looking to finally walk in the direction that I was looking for.

Over the past 2 years, that direction has been muddled by a lack of clarity, confusion, doubt, doubt, uncertainty, obstacles, realizations and did I mention doubt?

I feel like I'm back to square one. Unsure of what I should do, what direction to take and when to take it? I'm not sure if this is normal for a 25 practically 26 year old who is about to graduate or for anyone who is about to finish something major in their life. Like the typical 22 year old graduate asking themselves will be a career, grad school, law school, medical school or just bumming? Or the older graduate finishing up their thesis or dissertation? Or if its just a pre-existential crisis? Or anyone realizing that out of the 25 almost 26 years they have been on this earth 20 of them have been spent in school. Over 2 decades of my life has been spent in school, learning, constantly learning and reading and reading some more, preparing for a life, another school application, scholarship or grant or a job that I don't even know what job it is yet? I mean 2 DECADES!!! That's over 75% of my life and mind you I can't remember anything before the age of 13.

I will be 30 before I know it. I'm at the age where I'm no longer young any more so I can't make too many mistakes, but I'm young enough that there are still possibilities. There's SOOOO much that I want to do that I thought I would be doing by now. First there was the Ob/Gyn thing, then the Foreign Service Officer for USAID thing, then the Yoga Studio/Spiritual Retreat Center thing, then the ESL Teacher Abroad thing (I really really want to travel and this provided finances and a valid excuse to do so ;-), then the go live in India for a while travelling from spiritual site to spiritual site on a lifelong spiritual pilgrimage and now the go live off the grid and just do whatever I want thing. And factoring the spiritual element just complicates things even further. Should I devote my life to a spiritual pursuit? I mean regardless of your beliefs, whether you believe in one life or many, should any life be wasted on something, anything frivolous? Anything that doesn't contribute to your spiritual upliftment? And if it should be dedicated to only spiritual pursuits what does that look like exactly? I mean people try to make the argument that everything you do throughout the day can be turned into a spiritual moment or activity.

But come on seriously, how easy and how many actually can do that 100% of the time while attempting to pay bills, maintain a household, a job, stay out of debt, cook food, be there for your family, maintain your physical health through proper diet, exercise and hygiene, and if you are married maintain the happiness of your spouse without thinking about them doing the same for you or worrying or expecting them to be just as concerned about your happiness as you are there's (I mean ego would more than a field day in this scenario) and then if you have children...I don't know how would you raise a life and maintain your spiritual balance and progress 100% of the time for the REST of your life. I mean you have to raise a life and be responsible for every aspect of that living being, EVERY ASPECT. Seriously?!?!?! I'm pretty sure there are some extraordinary individuals that can pull all of that off and still further themselves on the spiritual path, but I'm not that person. I don't have that strength or will power in me.

So what do I do? What should I do? I'm at a crossroads in my life where I need to decide my future. Deep down in my soul I know I have time to figure things out, but then I can't afford to waste any more time if that makes sense. I have to figure what I want the rest of my life to look like? Who do I want to be? What impression do I want to leave on the world? Who do I want in it? What direction do I want to take? And when do I make the necessary moves to make whatever vision I'm finally able to come with a reality?

 

 

 

I'm thinking about doing something some what extreme, intense and dramatic. Maybe I'm going a little overboard with the adjectives. But an idea occurred to me or rather re-occurred to me during my asana practice this morning. I won't say exactly what this "crazy" idea is, but....I've been toying around with this concept of the 50 Weeks of Me Project. At first, I wanted to completely seclude myself away from everything and everyone in order to truly go deep within myself, learn to be with myself and have ME be enough, to know myself, to be happy with myself, to truly fall in love with msyelf getting rid of the dependence of needing anyone else regardless of who they are, love interest, family or friend. But then I decided that was unrealistic as I can't run off, stop going to school and just go live in the mountains for a while without a notice. But then this morning, I had an idea that maybe I can do a modified version of seclusion for all intensive purposes in my own way.

I'm going to take the day to truly mull it over and see if I can work it out logistically and if I can and I'm confident that I can and will carry this out and it will be beneficial for me...I'll get back to you ;-)

This morning, last night as well, there were and still are many thoughts floating around in my mind. Which seems to be all the time now. My life isn't complicated. My life isn't hard or tough and by tough I mean I'm not homeless, food-less, car-less those things. But my life is hard for me. Its confusing. I'm not sure of what I'm supposed to do and not do. Which route to take and not to take.

I'm currently finishing up my last semester of graduate school...trying to write my thesis and I struggle so much. I struggle because I simply don't want to write it. I'm not passionate about it and I don't like the pressure of having to finish it in 3 months. And it doesn't help that I'm feeling more and more drawn to yoga...like the entire yogic system as a way of life, as a way for my life. It doesn't help that I've secretly (i guess not so secret anymore) become addicted to Pinterest and am continually looking at things of interest like cob houses and earth friendly homes or am looking at pictures of delicious vegetarian and vegan food or other ways to make things from scratch on your own and OOOHHH the pictures of the LOCS! I'm currently starting my own and seeing the pics of women with these long beautiful locs in the middle of nature surrounded by green trees and water.....

All of these things makes me yearn to start living MY life and living it the way I want...stress free, pressure free and doing things of worth, doing things that make me feel like I'm really making a difference within myself, nature and others. I don't feel like I'm doing that right now. I feel like through forcing myself to write this thesis, I'm falling even faster into the traps of the world, becoming more cynical, negative and downright nasty.

I thought it would help to start a morning sadhana practice again. Doing everything the pranayama, japa, meditation and asanas. And I was doing it for 2 weeks straight and I was happy. I felt like I had way more energy and joy in my life, but what wasn't getting done or at least not as much I thought it should have was my school work. I'm already behind and felt like...feel like that I was getting even further behind because I was focusing so much on things that actually interest me and finally doing them. So I made the conscious decision to stop, to stop doing all of the yoga stuff and focus on school and now I'm just confused, I feel drained and am unsure if its the right thing to do. Its like I'm torn.

I don't know if I should stick with doing my sadhana in the mornings or if I shouldn't, if I should even look at all the stuff that interests me because it just makes me ask myself why in the world am I forcing myself to be here or not. I don't know what to do. I mean what's more stupid: staying in a situation simply because you started it and you should not be a quitter and finish it no matter how stressful or undesirable it may be or to stop doing something when you're so close because its just not what you want, there is no passion, it seems to cause more stress in your life than relaxation and does more harm than good, decreasing your quality of life?

Its times like these that I become jealous of Adam and Eve. Jealous of the fact that they had the time and fortune to be able to talk to God, walk with God as if they were talking to each other and actually know that the voice they were hearing was God. I want that. That's all I've ever wanted. And I don't know what to do or not do to get there.

I wish there was a special phone, where I could just pick up the receiver and dial G-O-D and have a conversation knowing that it was God and talk to God as if I were talking to my best friend....

In December of 2012, I decided to incorporate more silence into my life. I made this choice because I noticed a change in myself and a heightened awareness of myself when I'm not talking. And in many ways, I've come to enjoy it very much. For some reason when I'm practicing silence, I'm more calm, relaxed and at peace. I also tend to see the beauty in things and in people more.

I'm not sure if its because the mind is working as much because it doesn't have to think of what to say or how to say things. But when I'm silent and I take a walk outside the sun is much brighter, the trees a little prettier and my precious little Lexi more sweeter. Everything is just better when I'm not talking.

I wanted to be reminded of this peace that I gain from silence. I wanted to have this presene of peace be a little more pervading and frequent in my life. So I've decided to take go into complete silence one day out of the week. And Sunday is the perfect day. It's right before my work week begins a new. So it gives me time to reflect on my Self and relax before all the craziness begins.

This is also my day to have fun and do the things that I actually want to do like blog, read, watch inspiring movies, journal and do more spiritual practices. It's kind of like my all-in-one day for spirituality when the other days of the week kind of push it aside. But what I actually do on these days vary. Some S3 days may be more "spiritual" than others, only in the sense that I may actually do more "formal" sadhana than I do on other days.

Some days I may just sit around reading and watching movies all day just trying to be and enjoy myself. Other days I may go on an adventure to a local park and try and walk across the frozen creek. I try to let these days be open and flowing with whatever I feel like doing at that moment. This way I'm attempting to tip the scale. To balance my hectic life as a graduate student attempting to finish her thesis, take classes and work while taking the time to smell the roses ;-)

And I plan on sharing these days with you through pictures and not words (duh silence ;-). Some days I may take more pics than on others and some days I may not take any at all. But hopefully whatever pics you see, you will get a taste of the beauty my eyes are more open to and a good feel of what my S3 days are really about.