Being.....What does that mean? How do you DO it?


As you can see from many of my previous blog entries, I have been on an emotional, spiritual roller coaster for months now (with typically spending a lot of time and the bottom). Thanks to all the many spiritual teachers I have out there (whether you know it or not), I'm slowly beginning...not to pick myself back up, because that would imply getting better, becoming happier. No I'm slowly beginning to just....BE. I know longer try to be happy, try to be Suzy Sunshine. I'm simply attempting to be present.


Remember my blog "The Cycle of Life" where I discussed how life will always have its ups and downs and that you must see the beauty in it all??? Even though, it clicked for me then, I didn't REALIZE it until now. I'm beginning to appreciate the downs and truly see the beauty in it all. I don't wake up in the mornings saying to myself I'm going to be happy today or that no matter what I'm going to smile. Instead, I wake up and just start doing what I need to do.


I know there will be good days, bad days, good hours, bad hours, good moments and bad moments. I just have to let them come in whatever form they choose. The only thing that I can do in my attempt at being is UNDERSTAND them and how does one understand them by simply BEING. I know confusing right?!?!?! Like what in the world? It's a cycle, a balancing act like all of life is. I will attempt to explain how to understand your emotions by simply being and doing nothing.


During one of my breakdowns over Spring Break, I decided that all of my goals, all of the little things I tried to do to be "better" were not working. I came up with so many different goals and many lists to accomplish these goals. When things got bad, I decided to come up with a positivity wall to help me be happier and make it through the bad times. Now when I use "I," I'm referring to the mind here. My mind was coming up with all these different ways that I could be happy, be positive and avoid the sadness and depression. The mind was, not Soul, not God. And as we all know, the mind is constantly doing things and as such the mind is not who we really are.


Like my spiritual master, Acharya Shree Yogeesh says, "the mind is like the surface of the ocean. It is always rocking, swaying and moving, but it is in the stillness of the deep ocean that we find ourselves, that we find God." For Christians, this would resonate with many verses in the Bible or Apocrypha such as, "The Kingdom of God is inside you, and all around you, not in mansions of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood… and I am there, lift a stone… and you will find me" or "Be still and know that I am God." We, as in our true selves, simply exist. God simply exists. Neither of which is this drone that has to constantly be doing something. God, Soul exists. God, Soul simply ARE. So when needing the answers to life problems or simply needing to get through life's problems, we must imitate our Soul, we must look to God as an example in just existing and being.


So I went outside and just sat there, I didn't engage in any of the thoughts that popped up or actively try to unravel them. Instead, I just let them play out like a movie. Just waiting for them to end and give me their message. At many times, I wasn't even watching them because I was enjoying just being outside listening and feeling the winds rock my body and touch my skin. I'm not sure exactly how long I sat there, but after a while of patience and not engaging, the answers I needed finally came up in the movie. By simply being, by simply sitting outside and being aware of my thoughts without engaging in them, the answers came.


I wasn't trying to DO anything and I was prepared to just sit there without anything coming to me and enjoy just sitting outside without thinking or doing anything. So out of that session, one of my answers was awareness. I won't go into detail about awareness here, rather you can check out the blog that I dedicated completely to it. Awareness was what I did, by not engaging and just watching. Just watching and being aware will allow for me to understand, feel and find the source of my emotions. I don't have to actively, ask myself "why am I mad?" "who made me mad?" "where is this coming from?" "how do I stop it?" Instead, I can simply be and be aware and the answers to all of those questions that I was forcefully asking myself will be answered from being.


So now we have successfully, I hope, progressed from knowing how to understand emotions from just being and being aware to "how do we be?" This is the most basic yet most challenging concept....MEDITATION!

Meditation is like the doorway to....anything.  Meditation is being in a relaxed state where you simply do nothing and be in the present. There is no thinking involved no force or energy exerted. You are simply sitting there being in the present moment of relaxation. Meditation can be applied to all modes or activities of relaxation such as walking or even writing. Meditation is anything that allows you to be relaxed and in tune to the present moment, where no active thinking is involved. You don't necessarily have to sit in a special place, that is nicely decorated with spiritual decor. You just need to be relaxed and present.


Now for many the special place is appealing and is the only way to get meditation in during our busy lives. I do have a "special place" for meditation and all my sadhana, but for me, it is not my special place that permits me to go deeper, but the simple act of sitting that allows me to do that. It's even better for me when I can sit outside in the sun surrounded by nature and just be.  


With that, I think we've covered it all. So go out and find out what is the best activity or way that you can just be for just a few minutes a day. Whether it is writing, walking, painting, singing, or just sitting, the sooner you are able to find what truly allows you to just be in the midst of your "doing" day, you can begin to live in the present moment.

Awareness.


For some this may seem like a blanket term. If you have been on the spiritual journey or seeking, I'm sure you've heard this in a talk or read this in a variety of books. On my path, I've seen it in books, read it on blogs and heard it on YouTube videos. I've even had my spiritual master talk to me about awareness and how it can help me on my spiritual journey.


But it wasn't until I sat down in meditation TODAY that I truly understood its importance for a spiritual seeker.


I have been battling with anger for quite some time now. I have had so many days where I'm peachy keen one minute and literally within hours one little thing could set me off. It's gotten better but no where near being over.


So today after a nice day at the park, my dog, Lexi, and I arrive back at the house. Usually as I open the screen door she is already in front of me ready to come in. But in this particular situation she is standing at the door as if she debating between turning around or walking forward. And for a split second I asked myself why is she doing this? is something wrong? I didn't pay heed to my questions. Instead, I commanded her to come inside. And BAM! What happens? She pees on my carpet.


Now luckily, I did not go berserk, but I did punish her for what she did after I promised myself that I would never do that again.


So, in meditation, as I'm asking myself through my mantra and mala, "why does this keep happening?" "why do I keep getting mad at her?" "how can I stop it?" a flashback from the moment before entering the house, when Lexi is hesitating, appears. It was in that moment that I truly understood how invaluable awareness is.


Had I been paying attention to her behavior or just waited a little longer, she may have turned around and peed in the yard. Or if I had listened to soul talking to me through the questions, I would have waited and maybe sent her to the front yard instead of making her go in the house. I wasn't paying attention. I wasn't aware.

Awareness is a simple yet powerful tool that cannot only help one deal and overcome their emotions, especially one's such as anger and frustration, but it can also aid in allowing you to develop intuition. By being aware of those moments, when you quickly dismiss questions or those little pauses in yours and others actions, you can learn to trust in yourself. To pick up on the faint voice which is soul trying to guide you.

Now I know, awareness isn't skill that can be picked up overnight, but it is something that you can learn to do with efforts. That's what I plan to do. To start listening to the little split second moments when soul is trying to tell me something and paying more attention to things that are happening around me. By doing so, I will gain complete awareness. An invaluable tool to tackle anger and progress on my spiritual path.

For the past few months, I have been dealing with difficulties. Not serious issues such as life threatening health diagnoses or eviction from my house, but continual, little challenges in everyday in every moment. Sometimes, I think those challenges are worse in some ways. Simply because they never let up or at least that seems to be the case with me. Everyday has become a struggle. A struggle to get out of my bed, to go to school, get dressed....it's has become a struggle to lead my life. Even my dog is struggling with her life. We are both in so much pain (is this a coincidence?). Just when it seems that things may let up for the both of us, we're brought back down.

I've tried to come up with methods to make it better. I've created a positivity wall, made a list of reminders of inspirational videos and blogs, but nothing seems to work. I have always prided myself on my capabilities to organize and think my way through life's problems. They have always worked in the past, but I'm slowly arriving at the point to where nothing I come up with works. My ideas have kind of become alcoholic in some ways. They relieve the suffering, take me away from my issues for a very short period of time, but they don't last. They don't produce any long term effect to just take....this....away. I can't even describe this I'm so confused and uncertain and just flat out have no idea what to do.

I've read blogs and websites that may describe what I'm going through as the infamous Dark Night of the Soul. But I'm so clouded that I have no idea what to call...this...If this is the Dark Night, the solution that I've read to getting out of it is so abstract, soooo....in the air that it gives me no way of truly bringing some light into my life.

I've heard and read that you should just embrace the pain or whatever emotions arise. That they are coming to the surface for a reason. That I fully get, but how in the world am I supposed to embrace it? How do I understand them? How do I figure out where they're coming from so I can truly begin to be free from my emotions, my thoughts? The solutions to this Dark Night are just too abstract...too I don't know surreal for me to even figure out a way to embrace it.

Another word that has been used is surrendering to the emotions that arise; to the loneliness, the sadness, the anger, the frustration, the impatience. But again I ask, HOW DOES ONE DO THIS? I sit in sadhana saying silently or just thinking silently, "Come on emotions, why I are you here?" and then I just sit silently trying not to put forth any efforts and nothing.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I just don't know how to be anymore. I don't know how to surrender, how to embrace or how to keep going. I just don't know.....

It's also been said that when the soul is ready to come out of it, it will. It won't be as quick or easy as I would like. But when my soul is ready to come out of this stage it will. Although, I still don't know what in the world to do something happened today that gave me just the tiniest bit of light into whatever this is.

My mother is not a devout Bible thumping Christian woman, but from time to time the Southern Baptist Woman rises her head. Today as I'm ranting, not really ranting because I'm passed that, but emotionally explaining...that's it...emotionally explaining my cloudy life to her she says to me and I quote,

"You remember that song that they always sing in church. You know the one that goes 'He may not come when you want Him, but He'll be there right on time..."

And I say,

"Yes ma'am....I tell ya He's an on time God...Yes He is."

Even though she's speaking in a Christian context, because of my belief that all religions are speaking of the same God of the same divinity...It made think for just a slight second that Soul will come out of it when it's ready...and me wanting it to end now...may not really be me...maybe it's just ego....I still don't know, but it helped a little today to hear that from my Southern Baptist of a Mom...

After watching a good chunk of Into the Great Silence (click link for detailed information about the film), I'm reminded of the attraction I have to the monastic life. When first watching the film, I was somewhat disappointed because it was in...silence. I was really battling over whether or not I should continuing watching it. But as I argued with myself, while continuing to watch it, I was drawn in. Drawn into the tranquility of the Carthusian monks. Drawn into the peace and calmness that they embodied.

They live a combined eremetical and cenobitic life. In simple terms, a majority of their life is spent in solitude. They take their meals only in their cell, read, pray, meditate and grow alone. But they also live in a community where on Sundays they come together for a communal meal and take walks together.

It's the perfect combination of community and solitude. That's what I've been desiring for the past couple of months. A life where I have the peace and quiet to grow spiritually and realized the deep connection I have with everything, but still have the opportunity to commune and interact with other living beings on the same path as myself.

I can't help but be drawn to this lifestyle. It may be that this desire is so strong at this very moment because I'm going through a difficult time in my life or it could be because I see it...no...I feel in the depths of my soul that it is the way to realize the deep connection that I've been yearning for, for so long.

I'm not sure and only time will tell which one it really is. But in either case, there is something beautiful in solitude and silence. Something beautiful in dedicating oneself to oneness with all, love for all, to God, to Soul.