Almost 2 months ago, I was challenged by one of my spiritual teachers, Sadhvi Siddhali Shree, to practice yoga everyday for 30 days. The plan was not for me to practice yoga for a set amount of time or to do certain poses, but only to some form and some amount of yoga everyday. I  could practice it at anytime of the day, no restrictions at all.

I hit the ground running at the beginning of this challenge. I was excited and very much energized to complete it. I looked forward to each day knowing that I would begin it with a practice that is so relaxing, challenging and inspiring all at the same time. I didn't worry about the amount of time I spent practicing yoga, regardless if it was 30 minutes or an hour.

As time progressed, it became harder for me fulfill my challenge. I went from full blown excitement and energy to not having enough energy to attempt it. I came to the point where, it was hard to get up to start my yoga session, but once I was in it...I was in it. I realized why I needed this and was happy to be doing it.

Even more time progressed,  I would say  I was in the home stretch maybe about a week or so before my challenge ended.  I could barely muster up enough motivation to do my yoga. I had to subject myself to reading my journal entries to remind me of how good I feel when I do yoga. That was sad. My yoga sessions had dwindled to 15 and 20 minutes at times. I was so disappointed with myself. I wondered why at the end? Why didn't this happen in the beginning? This wasn't the correct order of things. I rationalized with myself that at least I was doing everyday. I hadn't fallen completley off the challenge.

Finally the end arrived. I completed the 30 day challenge by only missing one day and making up for it with 2 sessions in one day, the very next day. I didn't fall off after that. You would think that after 21 days, my yoga sessions would have evolved into a habit right????....Haha NOPE!!! I didn't roll out a mat or get up for a session for 2 WEEKS!!!! I know right....what in the world?

My yoga challenge has been in shambles ever since....Even today with all that's going on, I'm still struggling to get it back.

Others may feel, well duh?!?!?! you just moved to a new state, new city, new house, roommates, the pressures of grad school and obligations to keep in contact with those back home...you have more important things to worry about...

But it's more than that....Yoga is WAY more than just posas you do to get your stomach tight or your butt flat. It is derived from spiritual origins as a means of opening yourself up, relaxing the nerves to enter into true meditation. It keeps you focused and provides clarity. It's like a physical cleanse for your body, mind and soul. This is why it is so important for me to get Yoga back in my life...

Now I know this may seem extremely farfetched, but I’m going to go for it anyway. I just got through re-reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone and one very wise thing that Professor Dumbledore always says stuck out and touched me.  This very wise thing was on the topic of love. He says and I quote:

“Your mother died to save you. If there is one thing Voldemort cannot understand, it is love. He didn’t realize that love as powerful as your mother’s for you leaves its own mark. Not a scar, no visible sign…to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some

protection forever. It is in your very skin. Quirrell, full of hatred, greed, and ambition, sharing his soul with Voldemort, could not touch you for this reason. It was agony to touch a person marked by something so good.”

Isn’t that kind of love, something? Love that surpasses all the senses that even though it lies within in you, present in every nook and cranny of your being, you are still blind to it. This is what fills every living being created. Love.

I don’t mean the love that you feel romantically towards another person or living being because even that can be tainted. But love, with its genuine and divine purity, so powerful that no amount of evil can change it.  

When someone who is pure and then covered with a layer of this divine, powerful love cannot even be touched by anything bad or tainted is blinded it makes me wonder If I can get to that level of purity.  This to me is the goal of the human life. To get rid of all that bad karma, toxins, ego, pessimistic ways of thinking, bad habits, pride, jealousy and even more negativities that encase you to the point that there is nothing left. True Purification. All stains bleached clean to where the only thing left is the invisible layer of divine love so embedded in you that you can never get rid of it and now so visible that you can see it.

Who doesn’t want to experience that?

To know and have this kind of love for all living beings leaves absolutely no room for hatred. No room or logic or reasoning for killing another life for your sake of enjoyment or tearing down a tree for a concrete luxury condo, no room for polluting one of the major resources that allows you to take another breathe,  no room for revenge or jealousy towards family or friends, no room for scheming or ill feelings towards someone or something else, no room to harbor hate to plot against another innocent soul, no room left for compassion and REAL LOVE for all not to have a space in your heart.

This is the love that I strive for each and every day, no matter how many times I may fail. This is the love that I want in my life,  not that of humans. This love is what started me on my journey, this is the love that keeps me on my path and this is the love, once experienced and realized will be the my destination.

Spirituality and Society are similar to oil and water at times.  Sometimes it seems as if the two don’t mix and never can. I’ve been experiencing moments such as these for the past 2 weeks or so. I have been going from one extreme to the next. Hopping around from one side of the spectrum to the other without ever touching down in the middle. Either I’ve been way too spiritual or I’ve been plunged into the deep dark depths of society.

One may ask, “way too spiritual,” how can this be? And the answer is through lack of balance. There is such a thing as going overboard on spirituality. Taking part in too many spiritual practices without having any down time, can be detrimental to your well-being.  Extreme spirituality is harmful. 

Luckily I learned this way before, I ever went too far.  So when I tried to back off a bit and find that middle ground. I couldn’t instead I went all the way right field and almost forgot about my spiritual path. I started doubting things, beliefs, myself and my current goals. I even began to question my teacher.  It wasn’t a peachy place.  I wasn’t eating healthy, watching tons and tons of television, listening to a lot of music with no meaning or substance behind it and falling back into the few illusions that I had managed to break through.

 I see why so much emphasis is put on how to be spiritual in society, because it is hard. Not to say that it can’t be done, but it is hard. I’ve learned this…for lack of a better word…the hard way.

The one thing that I can say is that I’m surviving it. Unlike most, I keep coming back. I may not always do what I say I am concerning my spiritual path, or follow the plans and routines that I so carefully map out or maintain the same level of enthusiasm and energy for my path. But so far, I keep coming back to it. Although it is very trying, tiring and somewhat frustrating to keep coming back to the same place, to continually flow through this cycle.  I’m happy and grateful that my soul is strong enough to direct me back to my practices, to my path, to my soul, to God. 

Because of that I know that I’m strong enough to stay on this spiritual train.  I’m capable of overcoming whatever rock or obstacle that may try to derail me or take me off my tracks. That I can and will do anything to keep coming back to myself.

***One thing, I just realized while editing this post is that oil rises to the top of water. Just like our emotions and feelings are at the surface of soul's ocean, we must dive into the deep of our consciousness past the emotions. I have to dive deep past the surface of the ocean, the oil of society into the deep waters of my soul....So here I go....****

As I Grew Older by Langston Hughes

It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,
In front of me,
Bright like a sun--
My dream.
And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky--
The wall.
Shadow.
I am black.
I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.
My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun!

This was another poem I found by Langston Hughes that yet agains sums up everything that I'm feeling. Even though, I know this poem is describing how his dreams are smashed and darkened due to racism in society for me it represents my dreams being burnt out by myself.

I used to be filled with so much energy and motivation to fulfill my dreams. I would come up with them and then initiate making them come true. And somewhere along the way, I have lost that inspiration. I think it has been due to me putting so much effort into my spiritual path that I've forgotten everything else. I've forgotten the playful aspect of spirituality. I've forgotten to have fun. I've forgotten about my dreams and with each day, they are growing older and getting closer to death.

I hope that one day I can revive them.