So today, as its raining, and I was on my high from Edward Cullen (the love of my life) this morning.  I began doing some inner thinking. I tend to this a lot when I have time on my hands, but this time it was real. It was me being truthful with myself.

For a while, I used to complain about people and friends not caring about me or not treating me the way I treat them. I used to always feel isolated and outcasted from everyone else that was around me. I always felt like the victim, when no one would ask me to go places or do things.

But now, ever since I got back from Thailand...things just haven't been the same. I came back home and really didn't have the welcome that I thought I would. And me being the pessimist that I can be at times started to fall into that pit of despair once again. I began thinking that me being away really didn't matter to anyone and so on and so on. And things used to really affect me. But now months down the line....I just....don't care anymore...is that bad???

I don't mean to say that I don't care in the sense that I don't like my friends or the people that were in my life. Its like when people may ask me to do things or go places with them I don't get excited anymore and in some cases I have no desire to go at all. With some people, I don't even want them in my life anymore.  But even more so I have realized that I've truly changed in ways that I didn't realize at first. I've changed and recognized sooo much in myself that I'm  more confident in what I want, who I want in my life and who I am. It is because these realizations don't match up with certain individuals...that I just simply don't care to be around them or don't get excited to do things or even talk to them....is that seriously bad???

These days I'd rather be miserable because I don't have the people that I need in my life versus putting myself through suffering hanging around those that do not align with my opinions, beliefs or interests.

Don't get it twisted. I don't think I'm better than anyone, I'm just not settling for anyone anymore. I'm not settling for people who may talk behind my back if I don't match up with their criteria, I'm not settling for anyone that is close minded enough to bash me for my lifestyle choices. I'm not settling for anyone that I have to hide certain things from because of how they might react to it. I'm not settling for those who will smile in my face, but then talk about me behind back regardless if it is to one of their close friends or a Bob on the street. I'm not settling for those who cannot truly accept me for who I truly am. I'm NOT settling anymore.

I'm not going to try and repair any broken bridges...An old friend once told me that some people are only here for a season and others are here for a lifetime. I used to struggle with this concept continually. I would try and reach out to old friends and past flames with the hopes that something could remain. Instead these days, I accept it for what it is with no malice in my heart for seasonal hires, and put my focus into those that I know will be there for a lifetime.

I  have it you guys....I found me a guitar on craigslist....I saw it and I just had to have it. I got it for 80 buckaroos...Isn't she PEEERRRTTTYYY????

So now all thats left is to start my lessons....I'm in the works of getting those set up to start in about 2 weeks or so....I'm soooooo excited!!!!!

Ok so I've always wanted to learn how to play the guitar, acoustic guitar, to be exact. I've always thought there was something soulful and relaxing about the music from an acoustic guitar. Maybe it was the influence from India Arie that got me on this kick, but I'm going with it.

I want to play the guitar not to become some musical genius, but to have an outlet, express myself, have some fun and fulfill my dreams.

I called 2 places so far and one seems like his lessons would be more serious. So that's a total NO. Then I called the Taylor Robinson Music company or something like that. Where you can pick a location and they have an extensive database of instructors to choose from.

So I called and got the pricing and the man told me exactly what I wanted to hear. I can pay as I go, no contracts and they teach me songs that I like and make the lessons fun.

I'm starting to feel good about this. I just need to find a guitar this weekend :-)

So as you can see from my barren blog, that I have not been writing or doing anything with it. This could stem from a number of reasons, work, pregnancy (i promise I'm not pregnant), family issues and other things. But for me, I haven't been writing because I have lost sight of what life really is. In the words of Mr. Will Schuester, from the BEST show ever...GLEE, life is a journey. It only has one beginning and one end and everything else is in the middle. One should make the most of the middle area. Although for some of you that may be reading this, that sounds truly cliche and maybe I should have realized it a longtime ago, but you know what...BUMP you...some of us take longer than others find our way.

For me, I've never truly had to find myself. I thought that I was doing that while I was living in Thailand, but when I think about it...I didn't... at least not completely. Instead of finding myself, I found relationships and true friendship ;-) I found how happy life can be once you start letting go of the rules and regulations that you have allowed to seep into your life and just start living and enjoying whatever comes your way.

I was able to manifest some of my dreams of finally going to a REAL beach and basking in the sun on a TROPICAL ISLAND. I was able to spend time reading in a beautiful Thai park, walk around and see things that made me appreciate the life and people GOD has given me. I found that with the simplest of changes and effort,  I could make things happen, I COULD make dreams happen.

I made a video to myself. A video for me to watch, if I ever lost sight of what I had found in Bangkok.

With the help of that video, the season finale of GLEE and my DEAR FRIENDS (you know who you are or at least you should lol)...I have decided to get of my funk and manifest my dreams indefinitely.

Now I am what you would call a listmaker, an organizer, a planner and so on...In staying true to my nature, I have come up with a list of things that I have always wanted to do, hope to do, have dreamed of doing. And here it is:

1. Skydiving
2. Learn to play the acoustic guitar
3. Get physically fit (i know kind of common huh?)
4. Practice Yoga (the real spiritual, all inclusive yoga, not the americanized crap)
5. Go to Hawaii
6. Learn Japanese
7. Go to Japan
8. Speak GOOD Spanish
9. Learn Swahili
10. Go to Egypt
11. Camping
12. Fishing
13. Skiing
14. Snowboarding
15. Rock Climbing
16. Learn how to Garden and have my own.
17. Make candles, jelly, butter (back to the basics)
s18. Canoeing
19. Wine Tasting
20. Do a Photo Shoot
21. Go back to Medieval Times
22. Diving
23. Snorkeling
24. Cliff Diving
25. Bungee Jumping
26. Take belly dancing lessons
27. Go to the MTV Awards
28. Go to the BET Awards
29. Go/live in California. (Los Angeles, Fresno, the SAC, lol)
30. Meet Kim Kardashian
31. Learn Karate
32. Finsih reading the Harry Potter series.
33. Watch a Nascar race.
34. Go to the Horse Tracks
35. Horseback riding
36. Travel to the REAL Mexico (not the touristy all glitzed up Cancun)
37. See the Mexican ruins (Aztec, Mayan, etc.)
38. See the Eiffel Tower
39. Travel to Spain
40. See Big Ben
41. Walk the Great Wall of China
42. Go to see the ancient European ruins (Greek, Roman, etc.)
43. Go to Jerusalem
44. Visit a REAL plantation
45. Visit the Ashram that Elizabeth Gilbert, author of EAT, PRAY, LOVE, stayed at
46. Go to a Broadway play ON Broadway
47. Witness Motocross in action


That is my list so far. I plan on documenting everything that I'm able to accomplish through words and tones of pics. The list may get bigger if I continue to dream and quit being afraid of making them come true, quit waiting on the right time or the right people; cause if I keep waiting the next thing I know the end of my journey will have arrived.

Now who knows what will happen in my attempt to cross off everything on this list, but thats the joy of it right??? Not knowing what will happen, if I will enjoy it, if I will live to tell the story or who I will meet???

But I plan on accepting it all and taking everything in. I hope that you will follow me as I start my journey. Who knows maybe you'll start your own and join me on this crazy ride we call.....LIFE...

NO ONE CAN LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU, YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP AND DO IT YOURSELF!