I'm thinking about doing something some what extreme, intense and dramatic. Maybe I'm going a little overboard with the adjectives. But an idea occurred to me or rather re-occurred to me during my asana practice this morning. I won't say exactly what this "crazy" idea is, but....I've been toying around with this concept of the 50 Weeks of Me Project. At first, I wanted to completely seclude myself away from everything and everyone in order to truly go deep within myself, learn to be with myself and have ME be enough, to know myself, to be happy with myself, to truly fall in love with msyelf getting rid of the dependence of needing anyone else regardless of who they are, love interest, family or friend. But then I decided that was unrealistic as I can't run off, stop going to school and just go live in the mountains for a while without a notice. But then this morning, I had an idea that maybe I can do a modified version of seclusion for all intensive purposes in my own way.

I'm going to take the day to truly mull it over and see if I can work it out logistically and if I can and I'm confident that I can and will carry this out and it will be beneficial for me...I'll get back to you ;-)

This morning, last night as well, there were and still are many thoughts floating around in my mind. Which seems to be all the time now. My life isn't complicated. My life isn't hard or tough and by tough I mean I'm not homeless, food-less, car-less those things. But my life is hard for me. Its confusing. I'm not sure of what I'm supposed to do and not do. Which route to take and not to take.

I'm currently finishing up my last semester of graduate school...trying to write my thesis and I struggle so much. I struggle because I simply don't want to write it. I'm not passionate about it and I don't like the pressure of having to finish it in 3 months. And it doesn't help that I'm feeling more and more drawn to yoga...like the entire yogic system as a way of life, as a way for my life. It doesn't help that I've secretly (i guess not so secret anymore) become addicted to Pinterest and am continually looking at things of interest like cob houses and earth friendly homes or am looking at pictures of delicious vegetarian and vegan food or other ways to make things from scratch on your own and OOOHHH the pictures of the LOCS! I'm currently starting my own and seeing the pics of women with these long beautiful locs in the middle of nature surrounded by green trees and water.....

All of these things makes me yearn to start living MY life and living it the way I want...stress free, pressure free and doing things of worth, doing things that make me feel like I'm really making a difference within myself, nature and others. I don't feel like I'm doing that right now. I feel like through forcing myself to write this thesis, I'm falling even faster into the traps of the world, becoming more cynical, negative and downright nasty.

I thought it would help to start a morning sadhana practice again. Doing everything the pranayama, japa, meditation and asanas. And I was doing it for 2 weeks straight and I was happy. I felt like I had way more energy and joy in my life, but what wasn't getting done or at least not as much I thought it should have was my school work. I'm already behind and felt like...feel like that I was getting even further behind because I was focusing so much on things that actually interest me and finally doing them. So I made the conscious decision to stop, to stop doing all of the yoga stuff and focus on school and now I'm just confused, I feel drained and am unsure if its the right thing to do. Its like I'm torn.

I don't know if I should stick with doing my sadhana in the mornings or if I shouldn't, if I should even look at all the stuff that interests me because it just makes me ask myself why in the world am I forcing myself to be here or not. I don't know what to do. I mean what's more stupid: staying in a situation simply because you started it and you should not be a quitter and finish it no matter how stressful or undesirable it may be or to stop doing something when you're so close because its just not what you want, there is no passion, it seems to cause more stress in your life than relaxation and does more harm than good, decreasing your quality of life?

Its times like these that I become jealous of Adam and Eve. Jealous of the fact that they had the time and fortune to be able to talk to God, walk with God as if they were talking to each other and actually know that the voice they were hearing was God. I want that. That's all I've ever wanted. And I don't know what to do or not do to get there.

I wish there was a special phone, where I could just pick up the receiver and dial G-O-D and have a conversation knowing that it was God and talk to God as if I were talking to my best friend....

In December of 2012, I decided to incorporate more silence into my life. I made this choice because I noticed a change in myself and a heightened awareness of myself when I'm not talking. And in many ways, I've come to enjoy it very much. For some reason when I'm practicing silence, I'm more calm, relaxed and at peace. I also tend to see the beauty in things and in people more.

I'm not sure if its because the mind is working as much because it doesn't have to think of what to say or how to say things. But when I'm silent and I take a walk outside the sun is much brighter, the trees a little prettier and my precious little Lexi more sweeter. Everything is just better when I'm not talking.

I wanted to be reminded of this peace that I gain from silence. I wanted to have this presene of peace be a little more pervading and frequent in my life. So I've decided to take go into complete silence one day out of the week. And Sunday is the perfect day. It's right before my work week begins a new. So it gives me time to reflect on my Self and relax before all the craziness begins.

This is also my day to have fun and do the things that I actually want to do like blog, read, watch inspiring movies, journal and do more spiritual practices. It's kind of like my all-in-one day for spirituality when the other days of the week kind of push it aside. But what I actually do on these days vary. Some S3 days may be more "spiritual" than others, only in the sense that I may actually do more "formal" sadhana than I do on other days.

Some days I may just sit around reading and watching movies all day just trying to be and enjoy myself. Other days I may go on an adventure to a local park and try and walk across the frozen creek. I try to let these days be open and flowing with whatever I feel like doing at that moment. This way I'm attempting to tip the scale. To balance my hectic life as a graduate student attempting to finish her thesis, take classes and work while taking the time to smell the roses ;-)

And I plan on sharing these days with you through pictures and not words (duh silence ;-). Some days I may take more pics than on others and some days I may not take any at all. But hopefully whatever pics you see, you will get a taste of the beauty my eyes are more open to and a good feel of what my S3 days are really about.

 

 

Dear….Whoever is Reading ;-),

I have been struggling to reconnect with my spiritual path for the past 4 months. I’ve gone back and forth between the society or the world and God or Soul for quite some time. Despite all the knowledge I’ve accumulated and the spiritual experiences I’ve had, I still struggled with what and how serious I should take my spiritual path and growth.

I started simply wanting to see and hear God in everything and everyone. To hear God speaking to me as clearly as I talk to my mom on the telephone. To have the same compassion and love for all living beings animals and plants alike that I believe God has for all living beings. But as my spiritual path progressed, my desire for Truth for enlightenment and true awareness increased as well.

As that increased so did the difficulty of walking the spiritual path. It became too hard, too difficult, too time consuming, too anything that sounded like a good reason to not to it. As I slipped away from my spiritual path, I grew nearer and nearer to material things and worldly pleasures. I became lonely and desired a companion more and more. I wanted to escape and travel and live a life of luxury. I started thinking of ways to improve my physical appearance and more. But why?

Why would I slip back when I know that they will not and do not bring me true lasting happiness? Why would I settle for temporary, insignificant fleeting happiness? Why would I settle for a happiness that would never be real? A happiness that I would have to constantly work at and have to make sacrifices for only to experience that “happiness” for a few moments when I knew that permanent happiness accompanied by peace and pure bliss was waiting on the other side.

I’ll tell you why because I was scared and still am. I am scared to let go of the comfortable, the known rather. I know the time, energy and effort it will take for me to be happy. I can see it. I’ve experienced material happiness….I haven’t experience transcendental happiness. The happiness that can only come from an eternal, powerful divine source.  The only source that could create the material beauty I see in front of me.  But the problem lies in my trust, my belief that that happiness actually exists.

I’m currently undergoing a 6 week intensive Jain Studies program in India. And we are presently residing in Jaipur, Rajasthan on the grounds of a Digambar Jain temple. Today we had a class entitled, “The Path of Spiritual Awakening/Purification.” I won’t give the professor’s name for confidential reasons, but in any case, she was amazing and obviously knew her stuff.

Everything she was saying spoke to me and reminded me of my present dilemma and my struggles with spirituality this year; especially my struggles with letting go of worldly pleasures. But the one thing she said that really made me feel like I needed to get my…..together was this:

“There is no way that one can fulfill their desires. Desires are insatiable. Absence of desires gives happiness not the fulfillment of those desires. The only way to eliminate those desires is to learn more about the true nature of soul and experience and realize that true nature. Then and only then will all desires cease to exist. ”

This is so true and yet one of the hardest things for me to do. Especially coming from an American background where desire is the number one motivation for the masses. So how do I get rid of my desires? Do I force myself to go into solitude? Do I go on a month long retreat in the middle of nowhere? Do I just simply stop going out with friends and family? Cut myself out from the world when at times I desperately yearn to be in it?

Why does being spiritual have to be so hard?

*catchy title huh?

Exceptions? What are they? What is the purpose for the Spiritual Seeker? Or do they even have one?

For the past couple of weeks, I've enacted a practice a like to call "Spiritual Silent Sundays," where I am silent for 24 hours and attempt to fill it with spiritual activities throughout the whole day whether it is mantras, meditation, journal-ing, walking, watching videos from my spiritual master or reading.

This practice seems to be a nuisance for one of my family members. And on this particular Sunday morning, this family proceeded to ask me the following question...after I informed them that I would be in silence:


               "Are these silent modes really necessary 
               during the holiday season? Someone may 
               need to ask you a question, ask for 
               advice or need you to do something."


And it CLICKED! (I love my silent times because they are filled with little realizations I like to call "clicks" almost like a switch was flipped inside of me or a light bulb screwed on)

For the past few months or more like a year, I've been struggling with discipline in my spiritual practices and discipline in my academic life. And when I read this message, I flashed backwards into why did I lose my discipline? When did I start falling down the slippery slope of laziness?...EXCEPTIONS...

When I started making excuses or exceptions for why it was okay to push this back or not do this today because I was rationalizing that something else was more important. When in reality it wasn't. That first exception was me opening the door for more, giving me a good REASON aka excuse as to why it was ok to push my spirituality to the side. It's so easy to make exceptions for this and that, once you allow the first one to take hold. You find yourself wondering how in the world did I get here? I used to be so disciplined, so on top of things, how did I let myself go? How did I let what was once the top priority in my life become a mere chore?...EXCEPTIONS

Now I do say this with the reality that sometimes true emergencies do arise, situations do occur throughout life that will take precedence over my spiritual practices at some point. But I believe for the spiritual seeker, especially the newbies, like myself first starting out, that it is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to establish and maintain a high level of discipline and dedication to one's path or else you will end up where I'm currently at with a year of confusion, laziness and regression. Struggling to get back to that place of peace and spiritual growth...

So needless to say, I didn't respond to this family members message as a sign of good faith that I will establish my discipline again, that no more unnecessary "exceptions" will stop me from getting back on track...

Over the past year or so, my spiritual path and I have not gotten along so well.  If you've read any of the blogs during that time, you know exactly what I'm talking about (go to the About Here section and click on The Dark Times or Peaches 'N' Carrots to get caught up).

I've had so many mental ups and downs when there wasn't really a need for it. I don't have a bad life, but for some reason I chose to be negative, sad and depressed for almost a year!!! I don't want 2013 to be that way. I want 2013 to be my year of positivity. My year of spiritual growth. My year of happiness. I don't want to waste any more of the time I have left on this earth, in this body, in this life on anything or anyone negative. Life is too short. And luckily I'm still young enough to realize this and change it before I feel like its too late (which to be honest sometimes I still do ;-). So The 50 Weeks of Me Project begins.

Now you may wonder why 50 instead of 52 weeks...the "happiness" realization didn't come so fast :-/ I spent the first 2 weeks of 2013 still moping around and in this sort of a slump not feeling too good about myself and what was ahead of me. So it wasn't until January 13, 2012 on one of my Silent Spiritual Sundays that this idea came to me. I was sitting down and just thinking about my life and the date. Yes the date. 2 weeks of the new year had already past and soon it would be February and it hit me again how fast time flies. And I thought to myself, "what do I want to accomplish?" "what do I want to do this year?" "what do I want it to look like?"

The Answer: ME! Regardless of what I was doing or what came up, I want to truly start focusing on me and my body and my Self. And so the idea began to form. For many a couple of years, I've mentioned and desired to truly get in tune with myself, with my Soul so that I could connect with God in this life. And in order to do that I must first take care of my self, starting with the body. I actually wrote a blog about starting with the body, but I never put my realization into practice and I'm tired of making excuses...so...NO MORE!

The motivation behind The 50 Weeks of Me Project is simply to focus on myself, focus on taking care of me and doing what I need to do to enjoy every moment of my life and learn about myself. Sounds selfish and self-centered doesn't it? And in many ways it is. I've always put pressure on myself to take care of others, to make the necessary sacrifices for them to be happy no matter the cost, even if its to myself. Although there is nothing wrong with putting others' happiness first, sometimes you get to a point  where you are so run down that you have no energy left to do that for others because you haven't done it for yourself. And I'm at that point. The point where I need to develop the habits, practices and perspectives that will allow for ME to be happy and healthy. So that I won't deplete myself when being there for others.

I decided on this idea because I truly want to in tune with myself and fall in love with...ME...just be myself. I've been struggling on how to conceptualize all of this, how to organize it and put it all done on paper in the form of concrete tasks and actions and in many ways I'm still trying to finalize it.

So I tried to start with the first realization that I had about needing to take care of the body first. So first thing... start a daily yoga routine.

I really like yoga and the purpose behind it. Of using the body as a means to connect with the Soul and ultimately connect with God. Cleansing and purifying it. Pushing it to the limit and beyond as a physical representation of our own inherent abilities. So that's step number one. Practicing yoga and working my way up to performing all aspects of the yogic system, pranayama, meditation and asanas, 6 days a week.

Second, I've decided to implement at least one day of silence per week. This is my way of being able to shut everything and everyone out to be able to listen to myself and the thoughts that float around. Thus allowing me to truly get to know myself and who I truly am. This is also my day to have fun and go explore. To get rid of the pressures of school, work, thesis writing and pressure from my loved ones and friends to be there. This is a day for myself and my Soul.

The third section, I haven't quite figured out yet. I say this because one of the other issues that sparked this project was my knack for thinking that in order for my life to be fulfilled and happy and full of love, I need to have that "ONE" person to be there all the time. I have a tendency to fall into this trap of thinking that my life sucks because I don't have a boyfriend or my friends aren't calling me all the time or correction when I need them to be calling me or not doing my school and professional work or just not enjoying my life and the people in it because I don't have that "ONE" person in my life to hold me. Or putting myself to sleep dreaming about me and a crush. I don't want to continue to do this to myself. I want to be happy with just me not needing anyone else but not cutting them out either, but having them move from an end all be all factor to my happiness to complimenting or enhancing it you know?

But how do I this? Do or should I purposely shut myself off from my family and friends so that I learn to happy alone or restrict them to only talking to me at certain times or do I just find a balance as I go? Having the strength to not talk to them when I truly have work to do and purposely not letting myself dream about love and relationships and the future and focus on the present.

Project began January 14, 2012....to be continued...