For the past 6 weeks, I have been held prisoner in India by myself. I’ve been too afraid to venture out of the comfort of my room alone for fear of being harassed. I’ve been out visiting places with other participants in this academic program, but I haven’t been able to go the places that I want to. If you haven’t read my blogs, I’m a tad bit special. I’m not like many tourists who want to go to all the popular places that Lonely Planet lists as a must see…especially in India.

I want to visit the places that most people avoid and don’t care to see…the spiritual places that truly change and inspire you. But I don’t want to just go and see them. I want to experience them, soak in all that positive energy and just wallow in it. Just sit there and be transformed in some way. I want to see the spiritual side that makes India…India. 

Although, my main purpose (and should probably be my sole purpose) for this trip to India is academic. I’m here to go out into the field and collect data on Jain nuns. Women who have chosen to renounce the world in pursuit of truth, freedom from suffering and ultimately bliss. I know, I know that will be a spiritual adventure in itself, but why not free two birds with one key (like that twist don’t you…nonviolence ;-). Luckily my research is religious and spirituality focused which allows for me…almost requires me to frequent spiritual places such as temples, mosques, shrines, monasteries and pilgrimage places and more. So when I left for India back in May, not only did I want to collect a ton of information on Jain nuns, but I also wanted to solidify the direction my spiritual path is going to take. I want to find clarity and spiritual renewal while I’m here…Erase some of the clouds that have been hanging over me. Open doors that are keeping me from myself…But I won’t be able to experience any of it, if I’m afraid.

As I’m writing this blog entry, I’m residing in a semi-Monastic center known as the Root Institute in Bodhgaya, Bihar, India. If you don’t know, Bodhgaya is the place where Buddha sat in meditation under the great Bodhi tree until he obtained enlightenment (yeah I know).  This place is AMAZING. There are palm trees, jasmine trees and just green everywhere. The pace of the city is slow and quiet, so unlike the busy chaos which characterizes Varanasi but fear is still lurking in the midst.

I’m here with another male in the program, but he leaves before I do. So for 3 and a half days…I’m here alone. And that scared me. And it didn’t help that this town is filled with men and everywhere I turn someone is asking me where am I from? What is my name? How long am I here? Where am I staying? And here’s the kicker, “Are you alone?” 

 I began entertaining the idea of booking an earlier train back to Varanasi and just staying on the grounds of Root Institute until my departure, but then the voices of Elizabeth Gilbert and Rita Goldmen Gelman ring out. If you haven’t heard me mention Eat, Pray, Love or allude to it in anyway please check out this YouTube video, instead of reading about my relationship with that book. As far as Rita, she’s becoming my hero and is currently playing a major role in spiritual and travelling life.

Rita Goldmen Gelman is the author of “Tales of A Female Nomad.” Similar to Gilbert, due to an unhappy marriage and a suppressed hunger for travel, Rita ventures out into the world in her late forties in search of adventure and relationships with people of other cultures. But unlike, Gilbert she doesn’t set a specific timeframe of one year or limit her travels to 3 places. Instead she literally becomes a nomad. Selling off everything she owns with the exception of a backpack and a few clothes. And she travels to places she’s always dreamed of or places her old classmates suggest like Borneo. And in each place the length of time she spends varies from weeks to years.  Rita does this all as a single woman travelling alone. She befriends others along the way and takes risk, risks that many would describe as insane and uncautious. But she does it anyway and as such many doors are open which would otherwise remain closed for others. One of these doors allows her to stay in Bali for 4 years. 4 YEARS!!! Just on a recommendation of a passenger on a flight to Bali who gives her the name of someone in town. Rita goes to see them the minute she gets off the plane and they offer her a place to stay right on the spot. CRAZY right?!?!?! I want to be like her when I grow up… I want to be like her now.

I don’t want to let fear keep me from experiencing India from this blessing in disguise that I’ve been given. I will be living in India for another 5 months and how crazy would it be of me to stay locked up in my room the WHOLE time?  I want to take risks, I want to open myself up to what India and her people have to offer me. I want to seize those rare opportunities that come my way.  I want to live India. I want to have an adventure.

So with that...no more hiding, no more treating myelf like an inmate. I'm making a pledge to have no regrets and to walk through any door that opens. My father says he should have chipped me when he recognized that I was a flight risk. And maybe he should have because I'm about to take off ;-)

Last year, I was able to realize how connected our food is with the performance of our body. I noticed that when I was feeling sad or angry or frustrated, I would eat junk food. Buckets of homemade popcorn, french fries and chips. I actually wanted sodas too. I wanted anything and everything that was not good for me. At the time, I thought, "Oh some McDonald's french fries with honey and a coke will make me feel better right now." Or I would rationalize, "well if my body is craving it then it must be what it needs."

Did it? No.

Although there is some truth to your body needing what it craves, it's not necessarily the food itself but rather an ingredient or substance in the food that the body needs. So instead of eating the chips and french fries, maybe a vegetable medley that had potatoes in it would suffice.

I also noticed that as I would give in and eat, the more angry I got. At times I would spiral into full blown rage. The food wasn't helping, in fact it was making it worse. Not only would I get angrier, the anger would just chill instead of walking passed me. That spicy, sweet and salty popcorn didn't make anything better, especially not how I felt. Instead, it was kidnapping me and my captors were my emotions using the food as bait.  Can you believe that? Food trapping you in this dark, gloomy tomb....Well it was for me.

For a while, I couldn't make that strong connection. I had glimpses that I needed to take better care of myself, but it didn't truly set in until I read Awaken by my spiritual master. He stated that the body had to be cleansed first before I could really begin peeling off the layers of the mind. He stated that although the body is not who we truly are, it is what houses the soul, what houses us. That's when I knew that if I truly wanted to begin working on myself, I had to begin with the body.

On the spiritual path, getting to the soul is like cleaning a house after a flood in the swamps of Alabama that has been abandoned for centuries (I hope that created a vivid picture). Before you can even think about placing a foot on the steps, you have to take care of all the debris around it. How can I even fathom getting to my soul, if I have this huge wall of debris blocking me.

No wonder my meditations have been more of a struggle, my mind unfocused. Instead of working on cleaning the outside of the house, I've been feeding the inside even more dirt to keep me away. I have to start with my body. So in many ways, all the gym ads you see urging you to get to the gym are both true for your physical and spiritual wellbeing.

So with that I'm taking some advice from my spiritual master and the Bally's ads I see on tv. I'm not necessarily going to the gym, but I'm increasing my physical activity through yoga and breathing exercises. But most importantly, I'm watching what I eat.

No more junk food for me. No more popcorn, french fries and chips every week and definitely no more sodas. Instead I'm replacing them with water and juice, fruits, hummus and celery or pretzels. Light foods that will help me to feel better and start my body on this road of spiritual cleansing.  

For many who are trying to find their way to God, Truth, the Divine, etc., have encountered fasting in one form or another. In general, a fast is an act that includes ones detachment from food or drink. It does not necessarily entail abstention from all food and all drink, but it does require that one abstains from something for it to be considered a fast. This has taken the form of juice fasts, water fasts, potato fasts or absolute nothing fasts (no water, no liquids, no food).

What does abstention from food and/or liquids do for you spiritually?....DETACH.

One of the main obstacles on the spiritual path is our attachment to this world and things in it. When you partake in a fast, it is one of the most basic forms of practicing detachment. When you consciously decide that I am not going to eat any foods and only drink juice or water, you are mentally and physically detaching from food. Although this practice of detachment is on a small scale, it has a profound impact on the individual who does it.

*But PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE remember that if you have never fasted before it is not something to do lightly. It is best to fast in the presence or under the guidance of a master or a nutrionist or someone who is knowledgeable. Your body is used to eating and to just stop especially if you have medical issues is not a good thing. You have to know when your body has been pushed to its limit and when its time to stop and recover.*

I've found in my experience of fasting that I have more energy. What? How can you have more energy? Because I'm not concerned with all of the tasks and thought processes that go into eating, I have more energy to focus on other things...let's say....reading, writing, schoolwork, professional work or better yet...my sadhana. I'm not giving attention to my hunger or my body saying it wants food. I'm not thinking about what I have in the refrigerator or the pantry to eat. I'm not thinking about what I'm going to eat with my rice or what vegetables I'm going to fix with my beans. Even further, I'm not thinking about what dishes are clean that I can use to cook so that I can eat or what dishes I'm going to have to clean after I'm done cooking so that I can eat. Do you get the picture? All of the time and energy that is put into eating is able to be directed elsewhere when I fast.

Seeing as though I fast for spiritual reasons, I try to focus that energy towards my sadhana allowing for me to dedicate more time and energy to something that helps me get rid of karma and get closer and closer to knowing who and what I am, to FOCUS on soul, on me instead of food. In doing so, I gain CLARITY when I'm confused or in doubt about anything whether it is spiritual or non-spiritual.

Fasting is a way for me to re-focus on what really matters in my life....SOUL. It allows for me to see things more clearly than I would on a day when I'm allowing my hunger to have priority.

After a peaceful morning of reading and writing, I decided to check my email at the internet café that was about a 5 minute bike ride away. As I’m checking my emails and sending out a couple, I notice a noise coming from outside, but because I was too paranoid of all the Indian men surrounding me I didn’t dare look away from computer screen until I was ready to leave. And sure enough the little pitter patter that I heard was none other than the beginning of a huge rainstorm…aka monsoon season has finally hit India.

For a while, I never thought it would come. Something I’ve never experienced, I was hoping to be able to walk through knew high puddles of water while holding my sari up or ride a bicycle through the rain like the locals or at the very least sit outside on someone’s patio and just watch. Now the latter two,  I could have taken care of today, but seeing as though I was wearing a white skirt and my Kindle with me, I wasn’t too keen on riding my bike through the rain. Instead what I got was an extra wet tuk tuk ride with the bike riding side saddle. It was one of the most liberating moments in my life (even though it lasted for less than 3 minutes). I know I know it may sound like a stretch but here me out…

For the past 6 weeks, I’ve been beating myself up about not enjoying myself and being too afraid to go out on my own and just enjoy every moment that I have in India. As such, I’ve been restricting myself to the safe compound of the campus grounds we’ve been staying in or waiting to go out only when a large group does which typically means sacrificing the experiences and places that I want to see and moments I want to add to my memory book…Flashbacks of my time in Thailand started to arise. I was so afraid of what would happen if I went against the rules of safety for women travelling alone, especially those travelling alone in India. I was putting myself in a prison.

Even as it was raining today, instead of doing what I wanted to do (which was ride in rain or at least walk to a tuk tuk in the rain) I listened to the Indian men who told me to wait the storm out. So that’s what I did I waited and I waited like I had been doing since I arrived in India. I was a good little girl and followed the rules, followed the directions that were given to me. As I sat there, thoughts of liberation and freedom began to arise. Didn’t I set out to free myself from prescribed norms and illusion while I was in India?  Didn’t I say that I was going to do things for me and no one else? Hadn’t I learn from my past regrets of playing it safe in Thailand?

So the next tuk tuk I see (which so happened to pull right up to the internet café), I jump up to ask him to take me and my bike home. He does. I run out in the rain, hoist my bike into the back of his tuk tuk and squat on the seat, tucking in my white skirt with one arm holding my bike and the other holding onto the rails. I felt like a big little kid :-p

As he rode and I was splashed by rain, I couldn’t stop smiling. We dove into chai colored puddles and I squinched as to not let a drop touch me, but secretly hoping to get splashed and just enjoyed riding through the rain. I watched as we passed little Indian boys intentionally jumping in the puddles and groups of little Indian girls walking as if they weren’t completely soaked. I saw teenagers riding their bikes and racing to get home. I saw… joy and I had a little peace of my own in the middle of a storm.