Man so when I was in Thailand...I walked EVERYWHERE...like to the store, park, mall, work, home, movies and all. These distances weren't short either. Whenever me and my friend would walk home from work it would take us an hour to get home. If any of you no anything about tropical heat...its not what that is. But we did and it wasn't a big deal.

I took public transportation, buses, metros, subways, trains and taxis. Now of course, I had to because I didn't have a car. Most people wanted to splurge and always take taxis which are the most expensive out of all your options; when I would prefer to walk and take in everything that I saw.

I would have never thought that walking was an option ever in life. In the states, its just something that you don't do or its looked down upon as if you can't afford a car. Whereas in Thailand, its the normal mode of transportation.

At first, I didn't realize this concept that most Americans hold until I talked to several people, both young and old, and both had a tone of disapproval when I suggested walking. One of them blatantly said, "What I look like walking anywhere?"

I was in shock. Is it that bad to walk somewhere? I mean its better for the environment, a simple way to keep you in shape and God did give you legs for a reason. I'm pretty sure that he didn't give you legs and feet to sit and push a pedal to a motor vehicle.

It seems to me that most Asians have recognized and implemented the benefits of walking into their daily lives. I say this because I walk my dog twice a day (on most occasions lol). When I walk her in the morning, there are always 3 older women that I see simply walking EVERY morning. Its not a fast paced walk, just a simple walk as if you were walking around in the house. But they do this every morning for long distances. I'm not sure on the nationality of these women, but ALL of them are Asian. Have you noticed that the countries with the most centurians are in Asia? Makes you think huh?

So I have resigned to try and walk as much as possible. Now granted I do live in Fort Worth, Texas where it gets hotter than a firecracker. So I know there will be times when I'm high maintenance and choose to drive, but as long as I'm trying thats all that matters right???

So I wake up this morning wondering where the day may lead? Will I be a bum and sleep it away? Read up on my Harry Potter? Get back to meditation and reading of the Bible? Will I take care of some financial business? Hang out with friends or family? Spend the day at the park with my baby (my dog Lexi)? or Visit some of my family members? Or go shopping for my new work uniform???

This is how my mind works in the morning...filled with all of the possibilities that may lie ahead for the day. I'm hopeful. Hopeful that today will bring me something more than just laying on the floor or on the couch watch tv shows. Hopeful that today will bring me moments and experience beyond what my mind can imagine. Hopeful that today will be more meaningful than the last.

But will it?

So I've been doing a lot of think...which is something I do quite often even when I'm trying not to do it...All of this thinking has done nothing but create more stress and pressure on myself. I have spent so much time thinking how this decision will affect me, how will it be viewed from society, what will my friends think, what will my sorority sisters think, or my parents think or people from high school??? In the midst of trying to make my decisions so that  I can have the image that society wants and expects me to have, I have forgotten how to live life...how to enjoy the little blessings and times of laughter and pleasure that God may send my way.

Now most of you may wonder where this is coming from....Just to give you enough info without divulging all of my secrets...Someone tried and succeeded in getting at me...someone who would not meet society's standards as to someone I should be considering to date...and although its only been like one day...So far so good...we'll see where this takes me...Hopefully I don't get into TOO much trouble....

SMOOCHES!!!

So yesterday, was not the best day in the world for me....I went to work and made better money than I usually do which was somewhat of a plus and then towards the end of my shift...things just started going downhill from there.

Have you ever had one of those days where it just felt like everything that could go wrong went wrong and nothing was going your way and then you came to point where you really just didn't give a....anymore??? Well that was one of the days I was having.

At work, this girl kept asking me to pick up her tables so she could leave and go to work. Now granted I empathize with her situation but at the same time, I'm like am I the only person out of all of us servers that could take these tables for you and on top of that...YOU should have made it clear to the managers and hostesses what your situation was....well she asked me to take a second table and at first I was going to take it but then I got cut and I said bump this because I had plans to go look for a shirt or something to go to this probate, get my eyebrows done and then come back to do something with my head so I could hang out with my sisters tonight. Well........

I couldn't find anything cute at any of the places I went too. But my eyebrows came out semi decent and that made me really happy, but then it came time for the hair. No matter what I tried or solutions I came up with to the problems I was having I could not get my hair to do what I wanted in the amount of time that I had AND I couldn't find not one thing to where....The probate was supposed to start around 7:30....I gave up at 6:11 and began berating myself and the life I have.

And I know most would wonder, "why was that crucial? Its just hair, just clothes, just an event," but for me it was more than that. I have been feeling trapped and alone and all I wanted to do was get out and be seen. Get out and get some attention for looking good, share some laughs with my sisters, get a little entertainment and feel good about looking good....and who are we kidding snag a number or two. But that couldn't happen because my hair was looking a H.A.M. (hot ....mess), my clothes and shoes are located in either my room or in my storage space and I can never find anything when I need it. I have no money to really just buy anything cute and new when I don't feel like looking. I don't have any money to get my hair done or anyone that I can count on to do it for me....I have no patience to take the time out to practice so I can do it myself....

Most importantly, I don't have a ride or die person, who I can talk to about anything....That person you can call no matter what time of the day and they will be  there for YOU. That person who will drop everything and come comfort you. That person who will do anything in their power to make you feel better.

I feel like I have and am always that person that continually comes through for other people. When they need someone to hang it with I'm there, when they need someone to drive Lord knows where I come, when they need someone to help them with their hair I'm there, someone to talk to about man problems I listen, someone to make them laugh I try, someone to just simply be in their presence I am present....but I have no one like that for me....

Sometimes I feel like I could cut myself off from the world...and it wouldn't make a difference to anyone...

So first off I decided to go to the gym and seriously begin changing my physical health. I did a 5 minute warm up walk on the treadmill at about 3.5 and then jogged for 30 minutes at about 4.5 and then did a few weights ie bicep curls, this rowing machine, leg extensions and leg press. Then I had to cut it short for Bible study.

I walked into Bible study excited as ever to hear the word (I think this may have been in part to the extra endorphines coursing through my veins from the workout) but in either case I was happy that I made it there.

He was discussing the last chapter of Ephesians. Although it took him a while to get there he did. He said a lot of things that truly touched me tonight. Even though I wasn't jumping up down, clapping frantically, or screaming at the top of my lungs, I was truly moved (i'm not the type of person to do those type of things, not saying there is anything wrong with that, to each their own). One of the main things that really hit me was the simple message of fighting the good fight. I know many people have heard this several times, but it touched me because he used in reference to his own life. How in his life he continually gave and gave and people continually took and took and never gave back. This is like the story of my life. How I feel each and everyday and still do at this very moment. When I realized how I was being taken advantaged of, I did what you're not supposed to do....shut down. He states that in the midst of it all you keep giving and you keep giving because in the end through all the criticism and all the hating, as long as I continue to walk with God, I will enter into my celebrations. Unfortunately, for me I didn't hear this message soon enough.

I shut myself down to feeling any type of emotions for anyone, friends, family and dudes. To the point where I don't know when something or someone good has come into my life. I don't know how to act or how I should react or whats even natural for me, because I have worked on concealing my emotions and keeping myself from getting attached to someone for so long.

Now that I want to live my life and all the pleasures AND pains it has to offer....I don't know what to do...I feel like a paralyzed person who is trying to walk for the first time. I'm afraid that I may lose out on some very special people in the process. It scares me even more so to realize that I have already lost out on some people because of it....

If you are that person or persons that I have shut out or am shutting out...I'm sorry...and I hope that you won't give up on me....

For the past 4 years or so, I have been plagued with coming into my...."womanhood." With that womanhood, I have gained a lot of weight. At first, I wasn't too upset about it and I'm not really upset about it now, its more so that I've noticed that huge amounts of cottage cheese that has engrossed my thick thighs and legs. I have also notice the muffin top that is beginning to develop around my midsection.

I don't really mind weighing 145-152 lbs, but I do mind the excess fat that has developed. But for some reason I can't work up the nerve to workout consistently. I can get motivated to do it and then after 3 days or so that motivation is gone. And don't let me start working out the week before that time of the month comes....oh honey...its a done deal. I won't workout for weeks and then the whole cycle starts over again.

I thought being home with my family, especially my dad would be good for me, but even he is starting to slack off as well. Of course, I have no one to workout with in Fort Worth, Texas. I thought my mom was on this whole kick of getting her life together both spiritually, emotionally and physically, but she ain't talkin' about nothing either. So I'm left by myself like I always am.

I am hoping that from this day forward I can come up with some type of regimen and track it on here. This way my blog is kind of like my companion, my enforcer and encourager to keep at this.

But I'm also afraid of....(i know this is going to sound silly and this shouldn't be so crucial for me) ....losing my amazing rear. I have had many compliments on it as well as frustrations from it too. But I don't want to lose in my effort to get in shape. I know, I know getting in shape and being healthy shoud be way more important to me then keeping a big butt, but (hehehe) I can't help it....What am I to do???

So I still consider myself to be new to blogging...Although I did begin somewhat of a website while I was living in Thailand and it is still up and running right now. I've decided to do a straight blog instead of website, simply because that's all the website really was, and because the web host I was using limited my storage space greatly. At least hear, I can write and write and post as many pics as I want without having to worry about storage space.

At this moment I find myself in a rut....I was living in Thailand for about 8 months and of course during that last month I had found my niche...but was still ready to come home and now that I'm home I want to go back. I feel like there is nothing and no one here for me except my family. If it was not for them I think I would have taken another teaching assignment in Korea somewhere .

I never knew how much I had changed until I came back home and it finally hit me that I really didn't want anyone to know that I was back home because I felt as though I was not the person that they had come to like. Not saying that I'm better or worse...or that I feel superior to anyone its just that I appreciate different things these days and could care less about others.

Those things that I care less about are the things that matter to those people. I don't know how to balance the two. The friends that I have come to love while I was in Thailand and still do told me this would happen. They told me that I would find out who my friends were and that nothing would be the same when I got back and they were right. I don't want to be here in Texas, I want to be with my two friends that I have come to truly love and miss in sunny California.

They really mean a lot to me and have shown me the true face of friendship.

So as I sit here, I'm having to reinvent who I am and how I can maintain the changes and progress I made in Thailand, here in the United States. I have to keep the focus I had so that I don't lose myself to the superficiality and materiality of the United States and some of the people in it.

I just pray that I find and am able to appreciate happiness.