The past four months have been the most trying, difficult, test-filled and depressed four months of my life. I've felt like giving up and just walking away which is so not in my blood or at least I didn't think it was until now. I've never felt so alone and forgotten even though I had everyone checking on me and trying to encourage me to get through this semester. And the crazy thing is there really wasn't anything life threatening going on. I had my health, I was making money, still had a roof over my head, food to eat, a car to drive and a little luxury like the Internet and a phone. But despite all of that, I felt like I had nothing and no one. I just wanted to give up on everything and every one. A part of me still does.
I was so depressed. I cried like every other night and was so down that I literally had no energy even to wallow in my despair. I know I probably sound like some spoiled rich brat which there may be some truth in that, but I can't help it. Even now as I should be preparing and excited to go live in India for 6 months, I'm not. I'm going to the most spiritual country in the world and I'm not pumped about it at all. I'd much rather say bump it and go live in a forest instead. Or to be more realistic come back to Texas and get any job than to go to India only to have to go back to graduate school.
I think I'm truly going insane. But my spiritual master has confirmed that what's going on is not my Dark Night, but rather I need to find balance...the Ultimate Obstacle for any truth or spiritual seeker on their path. This notion of balance is so abstract, relative and hard to pin down. Trying to find balance when my heart yearns for spiritual peace while living in society when I'm surrounded by material things and emotions is worse than trying to find a needle in a haystack....I'm still searching and I haven't gotten through 1/100 of the stack.
I have finally arrived at a point where I just don't care. I have been so sad and angry that I actually cursed out my roommate. Like literally used curse words, I've cried over loneliness, I've dreamt of happiness and I've procrastinated dealing with reality by sinking into TV and junk food. I've stopped looking for real and happiness, because I'm not sure if I will ever find it. Instead I've settled for the temporary pleasure and peace I have in entertainment and food. As a result, I've sunk back into Nichollette desiring love and romance with past crushes and flames alike. I've sunk back into material things such as needing and wanting to look good. I even considered getting maintenance done like a manicure with nail polish, my eyebrows arched and buying jewelry and new fashion trendy clothes only to get a guy's attention. A year ago, I wouldn't have given a rat's butt if a guy paid attention to me and here I was just weeks ago wanting a younger guy to pay attention to me.
If balance is my solution I need to find it fast, because right now I just don't care anymore...
I was so depressed. I cried like every other night and was so down that I literally had no energy even to wallow in my despair. I know I probably sound like some spoiled rich brat which there may be some truth in that, but I can't help it. Even now as I should be preparing and excited to go live in India for 6 months, I'm not. I'm going to the most spiritual country in the world and I'm not pumped about it at all. I'd much rather say bump it and go live in a forest instead. Or to be more realistic come back to Texas and get any job than to go to India only to have to go back to graduate school.
I think I'm truly going insane. But my spiritual master has confirmed that what's going on is not my Dark Night, but rather I need to find balance...the Ultimate Obstacle for any truth or spiritual seeker on their path. This notion of balance is so abstract, relative and hard to pin down. Trying to find balance when my heart yearns for spiritual peace while living in society when I'm surrounded by material things and emotions is worse than trying to find a needle in a haystack....I'm still searching and I haven't gotten through 1/100 of the stack.
I have finally arrived at a point where I just don't care. I have been so sad and angry that I actually cursed out my roommate. Like literally used curse words, I've cried over loneliness, I've dreamt of happiness and I've procrastinated dealing with reality by sinking into TV and junk food. I've stopped looking for real and happiness, because I'm not sure if I will ever find it. Instead I've settled for the temporary pleasure and peace I have in entertainment and food. As a result, I've sunk back into Nichollette desiring love and romance with past crushes and flames alike. I've sunk back into material things such as needing and wanting to look good. I even considered getting maintenance done like a manicure with nail polish, my eyebrows arched and buying jewelry and new fashion trendy clothes only to get a guy's attention. A year ago, I wouldn't have given a rat's butt if a guy paid attention to me and here I was just weeks ago wanting a younger guy to pay attention to me.
If balance is my solution I need to find it fast, because right now I just don't care anymore...
