If you have read my last few articles, you will know that I've been lost and have not (or at least have not felt like) been walking forward on my spiritual path. Although, I've maintained the sadhana practice that my Guru gave to me, I have not fulfilled the sadhana practices that I have set for myself. Instead, I've been falling deeper and deeper into "worldly" values, desires and practices.

I've wallowed in thoughts of loneliness. Wondering why unlike most, I don't have that group of friends that I've known since childhood that will always be there. I've wondered why I have people in my life yet at times I feel so disconnected from them. I've come back to wondering why I haven't had a romantic relationship in life over the past 5 years. I've wondered back into my physical appearance; dreaming of working out to have this phenomenal body that turns head when I walk through the door. I've let my emotions grow and have acted upon them, and the thoughts that followed were far from spiritual. I've gone back into making shallow, superficial, aesthetic ideals and values a priority in my life. It has done nothing but keep me in this cycle of worry and pressure. I haven't been able to truly appreciate life because of it. And I have an emotional and social wellness exam to prove it ;-)

Even in the midst of all of that, I'm grateful (at least at the time being) for it all. It has helped me to come back to my path; to come back to myself. To rediscover why I went searching in the first place. I was tired of falling into worldly prescribed values of beauty, wealth, attention and fame. It's too much work to be doing all for the satisfaction of someone else. It's too much effort and energy to put into something that will not last, that ultimately will not liberate me from the inescapable suffering of this world.

Ironically, through my graduate studies, brief periods of self-reflection and my recent one day of fasting and 6 hours of silence, I realized that I want to be happy. I want to be happy with life. When I allowed msyelf to fall back into this world, I lost all of that. I wasn't happy. I was constantly worried about something or mainly someone.

But when I turned away from all of that, just for a brief second, I was reminded of all the blessings I have and all the love and happiness that surrounds me. I remembered and enjoyed the goodness of those who were around me. I was able to allow myself to laugh and enjoy them and my life. And that is one of the aspects that I've always wanted, why I started my path; to reclaim the happiness in all life, in my life....

Why do I want to be so mean to those who don't necessarily deserve it? I say necessarily because no one deserves any harm to come to them from another human being. But why can't I help wanting to bad mouth certain individuals? Or make them realize their "faults" in a harmful way?


I feel like one of the worst people in the world for admitting this, but I need a way to let my emotions out. I can't keep suppressing thinking that I've dealth with them when I really haven't.

I have soooooo much anger pent up inside of me. Especially lately. I'm quick to get irritated and annoyed. Quick to want to yell and catch an attitude and quick to revert back to Nichollette and just start cutting people out instead of trying to work things out.






I feel like exploding, like going off on the entire world and letting it know how I feel. I know some may be wondering what is going on? Where is this coming from? And honestly, I don't know. I thought that I had been doing so well with being sweet, understanding and loving, but lately that has not been doing the trick.







I've been judgmental, critical, and just flat out mean....at least on the inside.

You know when you've just shaken a coke bottle and you begin to open it and suddenly realize that you had shaken it so you stop, but a little coke fizzes out anyway??? That's what just happen to me tonight. I slightly went off on one of my officemates and it felt good...and its sad to say I wanted to say even more and more and more....but luckily I walked away before I could get even more ashamed of myself....





What is going on? I'm not myself anymore and I don't know how to stop it or if I even can....I just want to go away...I feel like I need to go away for a while by myself....no phone, no computer, no internet, not even my dog and just be with myself for a really long while...

I've been wandering in loneliness for quite some time. I used to chalk everything up to my spiritual path....I'm supposed to become a monk and that's why nothing is turning out right....

At least that's what I used to think and after I met my Guru, I was cool with it. It all began to make sense to me. But that too had to come to an end.

I learned that there is no such thing as fate and it seemed as though my world was falling down. I was back at square one wondering why no one wanted to be with me? Why was no one attracted to me? Why was that everyone else around me had someone and all I had was myself?

I also began to wonder should I really become a monk? I mean my initial intentions for my path was simply to know God; to experience and see love for all living beings. Not to necessarily renounce everything and dedicate my life to the search.

But as I continued to wander this world alone, becoming a nun seems as though it is the path that I'm supposed to take...

I've been going back and forth like this for quite some time. I tried to think what in the world would spark me to question my path...EMOTIONS. I developed feelings for someone and I was trying to make sense of them in relation to my spirituality.

For a while because I thought my spiritual path was fixed, I simply suppressed them. Something happened and  I realized that it was taking too much effort to fight how I felt and pretend as if they didn't exist...

So I made a....for lack of a better word at the moment...mistake....I gave into them...Even though, it's extremely early, I part of me knows that nothing will come of it. I can't help, but to be sad about it everytime I think of it...I know it may seem as though this is so premature, but you know how you have those gut feelings, those knots in your stomach, those voices in your head that will not go away no matter how much logic and rational you try to throw at it??? That's what this is like...

I realize that this feeling, this feeling of sadness and in some cases regret... I realized that this is the feeling that I've been wanting to avoid...I want to get away from...

When your emotions evolve someone other than yourself...there is no way to escape this feeling of pain. There are always going to be days when someone else is going to make you upset, sad, hurt or depressed. When going into a relationship with someone else, there is no way to guarantee happiness always.

Even if you're one of those lucky people, who have an awesome marriage, one of you will pass and then you will be left alone. Sad to be alone.

There is no way to escape pain and suffering. I see what the Buddha was trying to explain.