My last couple months of school have been like a purgatory for me. Instead of Heaven and Hell, it has been Spirituality and Society. I started off this year so enthusiastic about my spiritual path. I was going to truly begin transforming myself and being truly committed to my path....boy did I get what I asked for.
During my sadhana in trying to do it whole-heartedly, I would use certain phrases or things or goals to help me. Such as saying to myself, that I know suffering is inevitable, so I want to face it now instead of waiting and be afraid to go through it....be careful what you pray for, you just might get it and man did I.
It led me to this dark place of frustration, loneliness, sadness and not anger but extreme exhaustion. I've seriously thought about giving up on it all; on school, on friendships, on my spiritual path. I've asked myself over and over what am I doing this for. Because I was so tired of thinking, I watched more and more television online to get the mind off of it. As a result, the quality of my schoolwork began to fall. I got behind in school instead of being ahead like I had planned. All of this just caused me even more despair. I was so depressed that I couldn't do anything. I couldn't think, move, speak or do sadhana. I didn't want to speak to any of my friends and for many days did not. I secluded myself to my room for days because I couldn't stomach seeing the faces of another human being.
I hadn't sat down to do sadhana in over a week...until this morning. Although I didn't have this AH-HA, I'm back moment while reciting the universal mantras, I realized that I needed help, I needed support and words of encouragement...I decided to read one of my spiritual teachers blog and watch my spiritual masters YouTube video on problems. It helped me to see that I'm simply being....a PUNK! I can't wimp out. I don't want to wimp out.
I mean I asked for this right? I asked to endure the suffering so I could be a better person. I prayed to experience the pain from my past lives to break through the karma. I repeatedly asked for this over and over WHILE reciting mantras?!?!?!...I guess I never thought in a million years that it would be this hard for me psychologically; to have to do it by myself makes it all the more harder. I mean I have people around me, but I'm not sure if I have some around physically around me that truly understands what I'm going through and how hard this is.
But the funny thing is, even if I had someone or several people, I have this deep feeling that I need to go through it alone. That I need to learn by myself without relying upon others. I need to learn how to be content alone without being lonely.
I'm not sure how one does that. I've tried thinking of ways to cure my loneliness, but they haven't worked out as of yet. I guess I'll just keep trying until something just clicks...but will anything ever click?
Is it possible that I'm going through a prolonged dark night of the soul?
During my sadhana in trying to do it whole-heartedly, I would use certain phrases or things or goals to help me. Such as saying to myself, that I know suffering is inevitable, so I want to face it now instead of waiting and be afraid to go through it....be careful what you pray for, you just might get it and man did I.
It led me to this dark place of frustration, loneliness, sadness and not anger but extreme exhaustion. I've seriously thought about giving up on it all; on school, on friendships, on my spiritual path. I've asked myself over and over what am I doing this for. Because I was so tired of thinking, I watched more and more television online to get the mind off of it. As a result, the quality of my schoolwork began to fall. I got behind in school instead of being ahead like I had planned. All of this just caused me even more despair. I was so depressed that I couldn't do anything. I couldn't think, move, speak or do sadhana. I didn't want to speak to any of my friends and for many days did not. I secluded myself to my room for days because I couldn't stomach seeing the faces of another human being.
I hadn't sat down to do sadhana in over a week...until this morning. Although I didn't have this AH-HA, I'm back moment while reciting the universal mantras, I realized that I needed help, I needed support and words of encouragement...I decided to read one of my spiritual teachers blog and watch my spiritual masters YouTube video on problems. It helped me to see that I'm simply being....a PUNK! I can't wimp out. I don't want to wimp out.
I mean I asked for this right? I asked to endure the suffering so I could be a better person. I prayed to experience the pain from my past lives to break through the karma. I repeatedly asked for this over and over WHILE reciting mantras?!?!?!...I guess I never thought in a million years that it would be this hard for me psychologically; to have to do it by myself makes it all the more harder. I mean I have people around me, but I'm not sure if I have some around physically around me that truly understands what I'm going through and how hard this is.
But the funny thing is, even if I had someone or several people, I have this deep feeling that I need to go through it alone. That I need to learn by myself without relying upon others. I need to learn how to be content alone without being lonely. I'm not sure how one does that. I've tried thinking of ways to cure my loneliness, but they haven't worked out as of yet. I guess I'll just keep trying until something just clicks...but will anything ever click?
Is it possible that I'm going through a prolonged dark night of the soul?
Unbelievable. Yes I believe in things happening for a reason. I ran up on your videos by accident because I just cut my 6 yo traditional locks and had an interest in sisterlocks. I would have never thought I would locate someone who is also on a spiritual journey similar to mine. Im sure I'm older than you and oh how I wished I would have started this journey a lot sooner. I find you links and opinions very supportive. Many blessings to you.
Wow! This is amazing. Dont' worry about when you started your journey. All that matters is that you're starting it now, when most people never have the interest. I'm glad that you have found my site and views useful to you. That is the point in all of this. To share and hopefully spark something in others. Good luck to you on your hair and spiritual journeys. I will be following it on your blog.
Jai Siddhatma,
Manjusha
Hey Manjusha :)
Thank you for sharing your story. Like you said on my blog, the main thing to remember during this period is to continually surrender to the process. To surrender to Life. And to allow/embrace everything. Dive into the unknown. And FEEL all your feelings through. Pain resisted is suffering, but pain embraced is healing and transcends the pain. Trust that whatever you are experiencing is because you truly want to and it is FOR you. You are never truly alone during this journey. We are all ONE and Source is everywhere. Lots of LOVE to you, Sis! Thanks again for checking out my blog. :)
With Love,
OrangeAnkh aka Jennifer
Thanks for the reminder. From reading your blog and talking to my spiritual master, I'm beginning to do exactly that. Embracing all the processes and feelings of life, fear, pain, suffering and joy. Your blogs helped a lot with that. Thanks for checking out my blog.
Jai Siddhatma,
Manjusha
Manjusha --
Thanks so much for inviting me to read your blog. This entry in particular hit me pretty hard, as there was so, so much I could relate to. In particular, the part about "going it alone." I, too, am going it alone, sister; and even though we are each doing that, let's both take comfort in the fact that somewhere out there, someone we know and are connected to is doing the same thing. :-)
Peace and love to you, my friend. I can't wait to read more.
Love,
Katie