I have been
plagued with the struggle between human love and monkhood. When I was
attempting to deal with emotions, I ultimately decided to just let them flow;
to give into them and experience whatever followed. This hasn’t worked out too well for me. I say
this not because you need to control your emotions and your feelings, but
because, at least for me, it has evolved into something that it is not.
For the
past two months, I have battled between being in a relationship with someone I
love and truly care about verses renouncing everything and becoming a monk. As
mentioned in previous blogs, I came to realize that there is no such thing as
fate or destiny. We are what we make it. So I’ve been asking myself the
question can I have my cake and eat it too? Can I have become enlightened and
still be in a relationship? Many of you may think no, you have to pick one or
the other, but interestingly enough it is possible to have both. IT is harder
and takes much more time, effort and disciplined, but it is possible, very
slight and rare, but possible nonetheless.
So I
struggled with these questions, so much so that I considered not being a monk
and just going for it. Here is where my emotions evolved.
Ego began
using them as a tool to keep me trapped in maya, in illusion. My desire for
love has always been ever-present but my path wasn’t really seen as a serious
threat to ego until recently. As such it began using my desire for human love
as a tool to keep me trapped. It played on my emotions and turned the situation
into a fight between soul and the world. When ultimately, it is not.
I care
about someone deeply, but they are not ready to be with me. Although they care about me just as much as I
care about them, the timing is off. I know that sounds cliché, but ironically
in this case, it is valid. Even though they did not ask me to wait for them to
be ready, ego was influencing me to do so; for fear of never experiencing human
love. Ego turned it into the battle between soul and the world, when ultimately
it’s simply a battle between waiting and moving on. Nothing spiritual about it.
I realized
that sometime in order to overcome bouts of attachment, one needs to take a
non-spiritual approach. When I was looking at it as an issue between monkhood
and love, that battle would have lasted for years, maybe even lifetimes. But
when I look at with soul, spirituality and renunciation aside, would I wait for
someone who doesn’t want me? The answer is no.
I arrived
at this conclusion from recalling a past experience with an ex who wanted me to
wait and the help of my guru. He simply said to me, “Why continuing walking
down a street that you don’t live on?” He is completely right. Why should I
continue to wait and fawn over someone who doesn’t want me to walk into their
home?
I had to
take out the spiritual factors that were at play here in order for me to
realize what I need to do to pull myself out of this situation. I had to be
realistic and in a sense worldly about the issue at hand. So I guess sometimes,
being non-spiritual is the way to overcoming spiritual issues on the spiritual
path.
