So I'm at one of my favorite places ever, The Japanese Gardens of Fort Worth, Texas. I finished one round of my mala and began watching this HUGE bumblebee try and get into this hole in this wood beam of my favorite spot.
I just watched it and watched it as the bee kept trying and trying to get into this hole. As I did, I kept thinking that it was too big for the hole and it should just stop, just give it up, but it kept trying. Then I thought well what if it tried approaching it in a different way like going on the side of the beam and crawling towards the hole instead of trying to fly right into it. But it didn't try a different way it kept doing the same thing over and over.
But as I kept watching, I noticed that something had changed. The noise from its wings hitting the beam had ceased and then I noticed its front pair of legs reaching for the hole getting closer and closer to its inside. The bee just kept trying and trying until in an instant it was in as if the bee fit perfectly.
This made me think about my situation with the video I had watched by my guru. At first, I thought this chapter of my path was done for. That he's not meant to be my teacher, but for some reason I couldn't let it go that easily. I became upset, infuriated even at the idea of what he had said. I thought surely he meant something else. I tussled and turned about calling and asking or just quitting all together. And that scared me.
I found myself not wanting to do anything spiritual because it all came from him. As I continually thought about it, I began wondering if this was the moment, if the information and me accepting it was going to be the moment that I would truly be by myself. Losing a very close friend of mine. Making me truly alone. That scared me even more. How could I do that? Take a stance against my friend, someone who has been so secure in who she is for so long and agree with him.
I didn't' want to think about that. I thought maybe it would be possible to still learn from my guru and only disagree on this one thing, but I knew that couldn't happen. I knew that a serious seeker who is blessed enough to find a teacher is supposed to empty themselves of everything, of all their perceptions and current, perceived truths because none of that is real.
I even worked up the nerve to call and ask him about everything and he restated exactly what he said in the video, but would call or talk to me about it more later. That scared me too.
Everything was pointing in a direction that I did not want to go in.
But what scared me the most out of everything so far was the realization on this particular morning with the bee.
As I was watching the bee, I saw how its actions and my thinking all related to this situation.
I was trying to get the bee to quit, just stop or take a different path when all along it knew there was only one way to take. I didn't think the bee could fit, that it was not the right size for the hole and all along it knew it was a perfect fit, the corret one and just kept trying.
Ego is looking for me to quit to give up and its using everything it can to get me to. I'm trying to make up a different truths when there can only be one. The same way I was creating different methods for the bee.
Even though, I don't want to accept it because it doesn't LOOK right, it is. My guru is. Looks can be deceiving. I have to accept it and keep TRYING to understand why it is truth. I have to truly let go of what I have only THOUGHT to be true.
That SCARES me to DEATH because that would mean that this is the time where I may lose a very good friend.
But as I kept watching, I noticed that something had changed. The noise from its wings hitting the beam had ceased and then I noticed its front pair of legs reaching for the hole getting closer and closer to its inside. The bee just kept trying and trying until in an instant it was in as if the bee fit perfectly.
This made me think about my situation with the video I had watched by my guru. At first, I thought this chapter of my path was done for. That he's not meant to be my teacher, but for some reason I couldn't let it go that easily. I became upset, infuriated even at the idea of what he had said. I thought surely he meant something else. I tussled and turned about calling and asking or just quitting all together. And that scared me.
I found myself not wanting to do anything spiritual because it all came from him. As I continually thought about it, I began wondering if this was the moment, if the information and me accepting it was going to be the moment that I would truly be by myself. Losing a very close friend of mine. Making me truly alone. That scared me even more. How could I do that? Take a stance against my friend, someone who has been so secure in who she is for so long and agree with him.
I didn't' want to think about that. I thought maybe it would be possible to still learn from my guru and only disagree on this one thing, but I knew that couldn't happen. I knew that a serious seeker who is blessed enough to find a teacher is supposed to empty themselves of everything, of all their perceptions and current, perceived truths because none of that is real.
I even worked up the nerve to call and ask him about everything and he restated exactly what he said in the video, but would call or talk to me about it more later. That scared me too.
Everything was pointing in a direction that I did not want to go in.
But what scared me the most out of everything so far was the realization on this particular morning with the bee.
As I was watching the bee, I saw how its actions and my thinking all related to this situation.
I was trying to get the bee to quit, just stop or take a different path when all along it knew there was only one way to take. I didn't think the bee could fit, that it was not the right size for the hole and all along it knew it was a perfect fit, the corret one and just kept trying.
Ego is looking for me to quit to give up and its using everything it can to get me to. I'm trying to make up a different truths when there can only be one. The same way I was creating different methods for the bee.
Even though, I don't want to accept it because it doesn't LOOK right, it is. My guru is. Looks can be deceiving. I have to accept it and keep TRYING to understand why it is truth. I have to truly let go of what I have only THOUGHT to be true.
