So much has happened during this first week of my 30-100 Days Challenge. I have cried and recited mantras so deeply. Slowly and little by little I can feel my desire to walk the spiritual path increasing. Most importantly, little slivers of light on what I must do have been revealed to me. I have unresolved conflicts in my life with others that must be resolved and despite what my ego so desperately wants I know one day, at least for one of them, I will have to be the one to resolve it. I've had hard realizations about who I am, like really who I am, bad and ugly...mostly ugly. And that's been hard for me to take in. I've realized that part of the many negative emotions I feel are a result of my own ignorant actions. It makes me sad in many ways, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel right. I realized that I've grown and changed so much when despite the initial realizations about my "true" self instead of reverting back to my old ways and wallowing in self-pity or thinking that I'm too far down the dark hole to climb up, I resigned myself to change and take a risk. Now nothing major, but instead of becoming more of a recluse/hermit and anti-social being that I've always been, I decided to reach out and attempt to speak to individuals I haven't in a long time as well as open up even more to those that are currently in my life. This is huge for me, especially for those who don't know me. I don't let people in and those who are had to work unnecessarily hard to do so. Even then, I haven't let them completely in. This has only been to my detriment because there are some really AMAZING people in my life who I so desperately need in their entirety right now. I have to let them. I have to take the risk that no matter what happens, if they are meant to be here they will stay, I have to let go of my fear of being alone because this fear has already made me lonely. This scares me...almost to death. Because I don't want to be alone. It's not good to be alone. By alone, I don't mean physically by yourself, but I mean to be disconnected from others. That is the true definition of loneliness (I got this from an article I just read so its pretty legit ;-). To be lonely is to have this constant feeling of disconnection or superficial connection to others. This perfectly explains how people who have the armies of people around them feel as though they are the only person in the room and how others who may only have a handful of people in their lives are fulfilled and constantly feel at home. Loneliness is the lack of real connections with others. That's what's going on with me and its only my fault. Even sharing this about myself is a risk, but I do so because I want to change, I want to be happy, but I also want to share with others. So if someone who is just like me is reading this, they, too, may take the step to changing their lives as well.  

But on a more positive note, this week has been good for me in so many ways and I can't wait to keep going. I actually want to keep going. I have been reminded of why I started walking the spiritual path in the first place, to experience God's love. For the past few months, I have allowed myself to fall, fall back into a mentality of doing whatever to please men. Not that I have done anything drastic, but I have felt and been aware of how my thought process is descending into an abyss of dependency. It all came to a head as I was trying to help one of my closest friends whose friend was similar to me. I've been single for a very long time. At first it wasn't too bad because I was so busy and then after a few years of non-starters and periods of absolutely no one, it started to take a toll. Then I was floating on a spiritual high for quite a while and I had no care in the world to be with anyone, I just wanted God. But that high subsided, thought I had someone, epic fail and then thought I found someone else and that's when I could feel myself slipping. Slipping into someone who is becoming more and more concerned with superficial, just to keep someone interested in me. During my devotional times this week consisting of prayers and mantras, I realized that my desire to have someone be interested in me so much is because there is a void in my life. A void missing certain forms of love. I say certain forms, because I do have love in my life. Unconditional love stemming from my amazing and beautiful parents. If I didn't have the love they give me on a daily basis, at times when I so need it and they don't even know it, I have no idea where I would be. Due to Love's immensity and vastness, one humanly type cannot suffice. You need multiple forms. The only way not to be dependent on multiple forms of human love is to bask in the fullness of love which is God's love. With this realization, I realized or at least I believe I've realized (let's be honest my Soul/God radar is completely out of whack these days) that my spiritual path is one of love and devotion. God's love is what started me on the path in the first place, it only makes sense that it is the only thing that will both renew me and keep me walking. It is my goal, it is passion...to experience God's love, learn how to love others the way God does and show others how to do the same. My path is one many Indians call bhakti, a path of love, devotion and selfless service to God.

This week has been beautiful and ugly, but all working towards a greater good....a better ME...I wonder what the following weeks will have in store...

*Oh and on a logistical note, I have kept to my plan for the first week with the exception of one day...Pretty good I think ;-)

So I've been battling a lot with myself and life, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and psychically for a few months now, probably more like years without knowing it ;-) But I've arrived at a point in my life where a decision about my life will need to be made soon. Not particularly life-changing or huge like having a baby, but I'm gradually arriving at the time where I need to make decisions about who I want to be, where I want to go and what I want to do. Not to say that these decisions have to be permanent, but I need to build a foundation for the rest of my life. I'm young, but not so young that I can't just live willy nilly...especially as I'm seeking to go beyond the material of the world and ground myself in the deep trenches of divinity. Unfortunately, I've felt detached, disconnected and completely out of sorts with the spiritual journey. And I need to find a way to either get back to it or come to the realization that its just not my time to be spiritual.

I've been thinking about what to do and not to do for quite some time now. Being that planner, organizer and list maker that I am (although that could  and probably is detrimental at times), I've come up with a challenge of sorts. I think challenges are good because they are short term and gives one the time needed to know if something is good or bad, working or not working for them. I started doing these after being inspired from one of my spiritual teachers and have successfully and unsuccessfully started and finished and some times finished many of these challenges. Luckily for me and my soul, it is summer time, I'm practically finished with school which means I have the time and energy to dedicated myself to this challenge hopefully seeing it through. So here it goes.

For the first 30 days, I'm going back to my roots and starting off slow; gradually easing myself back into a dedicated and semi-rigorous routine. I will simply wake up every morning and pray and pray every evening. Sincerely pray to God. In praying I mean talking to God, sharing with God my issues, deepest fears, secrets, happy moments, appreciation and gratitude. During my prayer time, I want to give everything over to God in a mutual relationship of give and take. It is with my prayer time that  I actively want to let God into my being and build a strong relationship, a friendship with God. I know God knows everything. God knows everything that I intend to share, but it is one thing to simply allow oneself to accept that truth and actively share. In verbalizing it, I want to prove to God my desire, my wish, my longing to be with God.

I will also recite a set of mantras in the morning upon waking and in the evening before going to sleep. Universal mantras applicable to any religious or spiritual group regardless of sex, gender, ethnicity, race, religion, sexual orientation, you name it. They are a set of mantras that I believe helped to keep me going at the beginning of my journey and create vibrations that reach a part of me that I have never journeyed to. When I recite these mantras its not even a recitation, it's more long a song, it's like an expression of my desire to God and myself through quasi-singing (let's be honest I can't really sing ;-).

I will also develop a consistent asana/yoga routine following the rules and prescriptions of the Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga Tradition. This means practicing EVERY DAY except for Saturdays and New and Full Moon Days. Yeah, I know it's real. But I've been doing this...sort of...for the past month or so and I love it. Actually have been blogging about it at Love.Yoga.Dream. and post regularly about each asana section there. I fell off for the last 2-3 weeks due to the craziness that is my life and the end of the school semester.

That's it...Simple? A little. After 30 days of following this plan, I will take time to decide how I feel, if I want to keep going and hit the 60 day mark, add any other spiritual practices like meditation or malas and go from there. If I decide that I do then I will post about the extension and any changes to "the plan." Once and if I hit 60 days, I will do the same reflection again, but extend it to 100 days. The inspiration behind a 100 days challenge, came from another blog I read from an old soror of mines who embarked on a 100 Days of Prayer challenge. Her reasoning and passion behind was so impactful that it inspired me to the same, but knowing how fluctuating my reputation is with challenges I decided to adjust and modify it to my personality and success rate ;-)

I'm excited, nervous and scared about this all at the same time. I'm unsure of how it will turn out or where it will lead me. I'm not expecting to have the door of answers opened to me or multiple session of clicks and realizations. I'm only looking for clarity and direction for my life in whatever form that my take....Here we go

*I already posted about the asana session of Day 1 of this challenge here.*

Dear….Whoever is Reading ;-),

I have been struggling to reconnect with my spiritual path for the past 4 months. I’ve gone back and forth between the society or the world and God or Soul for quite some time. Despite all the knowledge I’ve accumulated and the spiritual experiences I’ve had, I still struggled with what and how serious I should take my spiritual path and growth.

I started simply wanting to see and hear God in everything and everyone. To hear God speaking to me as clearly as I talk to my mom on the telephone. To have the same compassion and love for all living beings animals and plants alike that I believe God has for all living beings. But as my spiritual path progressed, my desire for Truth for enlightenment and true awareness increased as well.

As that increased so did the difficulty of walking the spiritual path. It became too hard, too difficult, too time consuming, too anything that sounded like a good reason to not to it. As I slipped away from my spiritual path, I grew nearer and nearer to material things and worldly pleasures. I became lonely and desired a companion more and more. I wanted to escape and travel and live a life of luxury. I started thinking of ways to improve my physical appearance and more. But why?

Why would I slip back when I know that they will not and do not bring me true lasting happiness? Why would I settle for temporary, insignificant fleeting happiness? Why would I settle for a happiness that would never be real? A happiness that I would have to constantly work at and have to make sacrifices for only to experience that “happiness” for a few moments when I knew that permanent happiness accompanied by peace and pure bliss was waiting on the other side.

I’ll tell you why because I was scared and still am. I am scared to let go of the comfortable, the known rather. I know the time, energy and effort it will take for me to be happy. I can see it. I’ve experienced material happiness….I haven’t experience transcendental happiness. The happiness that can only come from an eternal, powerful divine source.  The only source that could create the material beauty I see in front of me.  But the problem lies in my trust, my belief that that happiness actually exists.

I’m currently undergoing a 6 week intensive Jain Studies program in India. And we are presently residing in Jaipur, Rajasthan on the grounds of a Digambar Jain temple. Today we had a class entitled, “The Path of Spiritual Awakening/Purification.” I won’t give the professor’s name for confidential reasons, but in any case, she was amazing and obviously knew her stuff.

Everything she was saying spoke to me and reminded me of my present dilemma and my struggles with spirituality this year; especially my struggles with letting go of worldly pleasures. But the one thing she said that really made me feel like I needed to get my…..together was this:

“There is no way that one can fulfill their desires. Desires are insatiable. Absence of desires gives happiness not the fulfillment of those desires. The only way to eliminate those desires is to learn more about the true nature of soul and experience and realize that true nature. Then and only then will all desires cease to exist. ”

This is so true and yet one of the hardest things for me to do. Especially coming from an American background where desire is the number one motivation for the masses. So how do I get rid of my desires? Do I force myself to go into solitude? Do I go on a month long retreat in the middle of nowhere? Do I just simply stop going out with friends and family? Cut myself out from the world when at times I desperately yearn to be in it?

Why does being spiritual have to be so hard?

*catchy title huh?

Exceptions? What are they? What is the purpose for the Spiritual Seeker? Or do they even have one?

For the past couple of weeks, I've enacted a practice a like to call "Spiritual Silent Sundays," where I am silent for 24 hours and attempt to fill it with spiritual activities throughout the whole day whether it is mantras, meditation, journal-ing, walking, watching videos from my spiritual master or reading.

This practice seems to be a nuisance for one of my family members. And on this particular Sunday morning, this family proceeded to ask me the following question...after I informed them that I would be in silence:


               "Are these silent modes really necessary 
               during the holiday season? Someone may 
               need to ask you a question, ask for 
               advice or need you to do something."


And it CLICKED! (I love my silent times because they are filled with little realizations I like to call "clicks" almost like a switch was flipped inside of me or a light bulb screwed on)

For the past few months or more like a year, I've been struggling with discipline in my spiritual practices and discipline in my academic life. And when I read this message, I flashed backwards into why did I lose my discipline? When did I start falling down the slippery slope of laziness?...EXCEPTIONS...

When I started making excuses or exceptions for why it was okay to push this back or not do this today because I was rationalizing that something else was more important. When in reality it wasn't. That first exception was me opening the door for more, giving me a good REASON aka excuse as to why it was ok to push my spirituality to the side. It's so easy to make exceptions for this and that, once you allow the first one to take hold. You find yourself wondering how in the world did I get here? I used to be so disciplined, so on top of things, how did I let myself go? How did I let what was once the top priority in my life become a mere chore?...EXCEPTIONS

Now I do say this with the reality that sometimes true emergencies do arise, situations do occur throughout life that will take precedence over my spiritual practices at some point. But I believe for the spiritual seeker, especially the newbies, like myself first starting out, that it is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to establish and maintain a high level of discipline and dedication to one's path or else you will end up where I'm currently at with a year of confusion, laziness and regression. Struggling to get back to that place of peace and spiritual growth...

So needless to say, I didn't respond to this family members message as a sign of good faith that I will establish my discipline again, that no more unnecessary "exceptions" will stop me from getting back on track...

The movie Avatar has so many spiritual lessons for me; being the animal and nature lover that I am. However, I'm not going to expound or list every single lesson that I have learned from Avatar (although that could be a good series one day), but there is one in particular that I would like to share .

After Jake Sulley has successfully proven to Neytiri that he is ready to become a hunter and choose his own Iklaan, He and other warriors in training are taken to the Hallelujah Mountains for the ceremony of choosing their iklaan. 

Although the entire ritual is scary considering that the one that is his is the one that tries to kill him, the moment of "sahelu" or bondage is one of the most beautiful scenes and lessons from the movie….The  bond...The bond that humans have with nature. Once we are bonded to nature there is no turning back.  You are forever changed.

I have not realized my oneness with nature beyond what my material senses can understand, but I know my connection with mother nature goes much much deeper. And every time I watch this scene of Avatar I'm reminded of that for the remainder of the movie. 

The moment the iklaan stops fighting Jake its eyes opens as if it has come to a divine revelation and it becomes calm. I wonder if my realization of the oneness I have with nature will be the same. If I will have this overwhelming sense of calm and peace when I do.

Consequently, Jake begins to truly understand all of the nature "mambo jambo" that Neytiri has been trying to explain to him for months. It was like a light clicked inside of him and all the messages, all the insights that Neytiri was sharing about the cyclical and dependent relationship between humans and nature became clear. How humans have a responsibility to keep balance between them and the natural world and how everything and everyone is connected.  I believe the very same lessons that Neytiri was trying to teach Jake Sulley, but that's my motivation...I believe...And I know longer want to believe...I want to know and the only way to know is to experience.

If there are any ideas on how I can do this or books or individuals that could help me I would be extremely grateful.

Do you believe in the interconnectedness of humans, animals and nature? What do you think the relationship should be between them?

I've never really known exactly what was going on in Tibet. I always had the idea that bad things were happening, but I didn’t know the specifics (and probably never will).

Yes I know its probably a horrible thing that I’m an International Studies student and had no idea what was really occurring in one of my favorite regions in the world. But to be honest, I don’t like reading or watching the news. It depresses me. I don’t like hearing or knowing about atrocities, mass murders or genocides, or people being forced away from their homelands and their identity being wiped out. Who wants to hear about that? And I know it happens all over the world and the most tragic of events colors the pages of news sites and papers. Can you blame me for not wanting to know the details?

But being in Dharamsala surrounded by Tibetans and their culture, it would be disrespectful not to take the time to learn and understand why they are here.  So I went to the Tibetan Museum located in the Tsuglakhang Complex. This complex houses the Central Tibetan Monastery, 2 temples and the sleeping quarters of the Dalai Lama. The first thing you see as you enter this complex is a monument erected to commemorate the struggle, fight, strength and will of the Tibetan people.  It is only fitting that the museum is directly across from it.
 

The Tibetan Museum was the best way for me to learn about the specific, historical details of the Chinese Occupation of Tibet while not getting to overwhelmed with images. I learned so much from this museum and I’m not sure what I should do from here on out?

I know I can’t ‘hide’ from the world, especially when I want to help make it better. I have to develop a tough skin so I can actually start ‘ACTING’ on my compassion.  Because as I was walking through that museum reading the testimonies of these people and seeing the treacherous journeys they had to endure…some of them facing amputation due to frostbite and others escaping but still being sent back to Tibet and others setting themselves on fire, I was compelled to get off of my butt and actually stand behind what I believe. Stand behind my desire to help those that are in need.

The situation is so politically loaded that a solution is far beyond simple. I mean you have the Chinese government who claims that Tibet is there land. While there is historical evidence that Tibet has been a free, independent country since the British attempted to control it in the 1930's. They had their own postal system, passports, stamps, flag and currency. None of which had any Chinese symbols, emblems or presence.  They were a people who were functioning on their own sufficiently without the need for foreign assistance. They even had politicians traveling to the UK, United States and India to establish trade relations. And that all ended in 1951.

Whats even crazier is that the Tibetan 13^th Dalai Lama predicted that this would happen and despite the efforts of the VFF, the Volunteer Freedom Fighters, the Dalai Lama’s prophecy came true.  I sat there and wondered how could such a thing happen in the world? How could any genocide and intentional eradication of a culture happen in the world? I received a hypothesis from one of the curators of the Tibetan Museum. She suggested that it could be due to the karma of the Tibetan people. But the way she phrased it was in no way placing blame on the Tibetans themselves (which would be kind of weird considering that she is Tibetan herself), but rather as a coping mechanism. A way to possibly help Tibetans to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. In saying that it could be a result of karma, the Tibetans would have hope that it will pass. All karma must manifest and just like a fire it will burn out. It will fade away and the sun will rise.

But the question still arises, what should be done? What should the world do about this event that is beyond tragic, beyond an atrocity? What does someone like me do? A person with no political pull or any power? How do I help?

                                                                                                                                                                                                              

It has been an EXTREMELY long time since I have posted a blog about my travels and experiences in India. It has already been 2 months!!! I can't believe it.  But to try and play catch up would be a monstrous task. SOOOO much has happened to me and not all of it good. A matter of fact I would say that 75% has been beyond crappy and the other 25% has been so so...Never mind I'll correct that…75% has been crappy, 20% has been so so and 5% has actually been good.

I thought being in India would allow for me to rediscover or recapture rather spiritual energy and to get closer to my final goal. But after 2 months, my spiritual path has been shaken and stirred. What was once slightly paved has now regressed to a field. Not even a path can be seen from other's footsteps.  It is a fresh field of foliage waiting for a path to be laid out.  I have had strangers challenge my ideas and others make me question what my path should look like...what I want my path to look like and who I want to be. Stranger have helped me to see the beauty of living in a material world and how Earth can be heaven. Loved ones have hurt and betrayed me. And a close male friend that I thought would potentially become more than that gets further and further away.

I have arrived at a point where there is no way to turn the situation around other than to start over. With that,  I will say the first major lesson I've learned from India is knowing when to cut your losses and just begin a new. Sometimes a house just gets too mirky, too run down that there is no way to clean it, no way to repair it. The only thing you can do is pack up your things and find  a new home….That is what I'm doing…

I've realized that there are certain people, certain spiritual practices, goals and destinations that no longer have a place in my life...It is time for me to start over…

Luckily, I'm in the perfect place to do it. In India, away from family, friends and familiarity. I'm forced to find things on my own, make my own decisions and be my own person.  And I have the added bonus of being surrounded by young Indian women my age that have made a very big decision to lead an ascetic life. And they like me! They really like me!

I'm starting over in more ways than one and in what ways will be saved for another post...

I just finished watching one of my favorite movies of all time…Braveheart. And it made me reflect on all the great individuals who stood for something, for something worth fighting for, for something beyond themselves, for freedom, for equality, for justice, for independence, for peace…for freedom. And they did so with courage, bravery, intelligence, strength, perseverance, dedication, and at times unshakeable conviction. I reflect on individuals such as Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks and countless other African Americans who marched into “white” restaurants to eat or sat in the front of the bus. I think about the Hall 9, the first high school African Americans to start the desegregation of the American school system and the courage to do what no one else wanted or were brave enough to do. I think about the suffragettes fighting for the right for women to vote because they are as much American Citizens as their husbands. I think of the innumerable Native Americans who fought to keep their territory and preserve their culture. I think of Mohandas Gandhi and the unbelievable faith he had in his fellow countrymen to follow his unconventional campaign to independence through non-violence. I think of Mother Teresa who served the homeless and marginalized until her dying breath. I think of Nelson Mandela who was imprisoned because he fought for freedom and equality for Black South Africans. I think of the land mine victims of Cambodia whose numbers continue to increase years and years later. I think of all the individuals both known and unknown who have stood up for what they believed in and it makes me wonder what kind of person will I become? Will I be just as strong as those who took a stance knowing that it would end in certain death? Am I courageous enough to stand behind my convictions with more than just speech? Am I brave enough to fight and struggle to correct the injustices that I see every day? Who will I be?

I’m Changing…

India is forcing me to change…

As I was riding back from an amazing late lunch at Little Italy in Jaipur, I realized that I am not the same person anymore…I’ve changed.

I no longer see things the way I used to anymore…Or rather I do actually SEE things now…I don’t know exactly how to explain it.

I’m like an observer to my life, to my emotions, to my thoughts and yet I’m still the doer, the actor that orchestrates them…But there is a subtle difference to how I react and perceive what is happening…

I say all of this because I thought I was still the same person and today I realized I am not. When the officials at the Foreign Registration Office told me that the documents I had brought to them were not valid in their district, I became mad, sad, angry and desperate like most people probably would. But this time was different. I allowed myself to feel what was happening to me and I accepted my emotions as genuinely apart of who I am, but at the same time I knew this was not me.  And instead of letting those emotions grow to the point of overwhelming me…I let them dissipate. I knew they were there, but it was like the observer side of me was informing the actor that it was okay. Things like this happen, go ahead and cry and then try to enjoy the rest of your day.

It was kind of weird…but relieving…

This thought process has been going on for the past few days…I get sad or lonely and then the observer comes out and doesn’t allow for me to dwell….And I’m glad it does, because if it hadn’t I wouldn’t have enjoyed my full course Italian meal or appreciated the coolness in the air from the monsoon rains of Jaipur and I wouldn’t have been grateful for the driver that took me to my late lunch and waited for me despite me telling him not too…I wouldn’t have been cordial with him as he was telling me about the other foreigners he has driven for and I wouldn’t have been perfectly content and happy to look at his service book after dropping me off and most importantly, I wouldn’t be enjoying the beautiful sounds of the light raindrops and thunder while typing this very blog post to share with all of you…

I’m changing, not dramatically or at the speed of light, but subtly and gradually I’m changing…

I’m changing for the better…

On August 1, 2012, I decided to make a concerted effort to let go and flow. But more specifically to let go of my ideas, perceptions and beliefs and flow in the direction of life. It is now August 12, 2012 and it is only today that I realize why just flowing is so hard for me and may possibly be the same reason for anyone who is reading this.

Have you ever gotten upset because something just didn’t go your way? And I don’t mean huge life decisions like securing a job or buying a house. I actually am talking about every day, mundane decisions that for many are insignificant and trivial. I’m talking about when you’re relaxing in your room or a hotel or a nice café and you have your mouth fixed for that favorite dish or delicious cup of tea or your little brother disturbs you with loud music. And it takes everything in you not to go off or be vindictive or let it truly bother  you that they don’t have what YOU want…Hopefully I’m not the only person who has ever felt this way…

But today I realized the connection between this “trivial” anger and flowing with life…At least for me…

Although I decided to make more of an effort to let go and flow on August 1, it was on August 11, 2012 that I made the VOW to put more efforts towards flowing. I don’t want to be at odds with natural happenings of life. I no longer want to get upset or bothered by life not going according to plan. I no longer want to let one hiccup in the plan ruin my entire day or outlook of that day.

And it hit me as reception called to say that I cannot have MY chana masala because they do not serve it until dinner. I went downstairs to figure out why as the menu stated otherwise and his explanation was that it wasn’t because they don’t serve it at this time but rather they ran out of chana masala. I went back upstairs to decide my next plan of action. And that’s when it hit me. I was bothered because they didn’t have what I wanted. I was bothered because they didn’t have MY chana masala. I was bothered because lunch was occurring as I WANTED. (I know there are overwhelming hints of attachment here, but let’s not focus on that now…baby steps ;-) Things were not going the way I wanted them to go. I was holding onto MY.

I was not letting go and just flowing with the natural happenings of life. I was planning on “getting back” at the hotel and ordering from a restaurant that would deliver and never ordering from the restaurant again…BAAMMM…there goes the unnecessary tension and upset that I so desperately want to let go of. It was as I entered my room to order that “MY” was in the way of flowing. So instead of me seeking revenge for the lack of “MY CHANA MASALA” I just ordered something else and understood that it was okay. Restaurants run of products all the time no matter where you are in the world.

And as a result of me letting go of MY, I ended up having a wonderful relaxed evening. I ended up laughing and smiling about the smallest of things and was just…happy…

I'm not sure what's going on with me. My opinions, ideas, thoughts and future have changed drastically in just a matter of a few weeks. I've realized things that I once thought were for me are not. I've accepted things about myself that I was forcefully trying to cast off. I've changed in so many ways that I can't believe it. I've accumulated so many experiences both spiritual and worldly that I haven't been able to formulate into words...I'm currently sitting here in Abu Dhabi with my father, taking a break from India...An African American woman in the Middle East with her father taking a break from Master's fieldwork in India...who would have thought that 30 years ago I would be doing something like this...Am I being random???

I don't know...It's just lately...I think about everything...Everything that I have been blessed with...everything my family has been blessed...everything that has been created and from where...I don't know how to explain it, but it s like lately I wonder and admire how things have come to be both material and unknown...like how does a one day old baby know how to raise its arm without seeing or having someone tell them how...how was ballet invented...who decided that moving in such a way was good...how was dance created...who thought of coordinating their legs to music...heck who came up with music???...I could go on for pages, but I will stop here, because the point I want to make is this...I'm noticing all the magnificent things that make up the "mundane."

And that's a beautiful thing...Now it could be clouded because I'm living the "good" life right now...I'm on the beach, eating good food, able to go to one spot and get all the toiletries that I need, lounging reading and spending time with my dad...That  may all change when I get back to India where I don't have the luxuries of a one stop shop where i have to wash my own clothes in a bucket, adjust to electrical outages and be out of touch with my family...but right now... in this very moment I see beauty in everything and I'm going to take it all in until it is time that I can't...

*I had to get this out one way or another.*

To My Friend
You have been there for me
From beginning to end,
Helping me to mend that brokenness of me
To heal what I had left
And become complete.

To My Rock,
You have propelled me
Through all that's been put in my way
Building me up so that I can never bend
Backwards to the past
Able to overcome all that I have left behind me.

To My, My, My...Confidant
I have confided in you
Things that not even my Soul can know
With that you have taken me through
Unchartered territory.

With the caress of your hands
You electrify every nerve in my body
Sending surge, upon surge of pure ecstasy
That cannot be translated into words
Sending me to a place that can only be described as dark and steamy.

But to much dismay,
I arrive with a thud,
Unsure of what's next
Will there be a next, a tomorrow, a future for us?
Or is this all we have
Me left victim to your ability
To transform me into a being that only you can know.

To My, My, My...Sweet
I am your Bella
You, my Jacob
You have imprinted upon me
Like the DNA to my being
The feelings I have for you will never go away
At least not in this life.

You take on whatever form I need
To succeed in this chaotic illusion we call life
I'm stuck to you, unable to move
The love I have for you is beyond reproof.

No matter how hard I try
The energy between us is bonded with an adhesive
That not even God can break through.
We are tied together, forever and never
Ever-flowing through life's continuum

I think it's safe to assume
That you feel the same way
But the moment those words inked onto the pad
A flash of the past few months are etched into my brain.

The future of US will never play out
We are 2 souls eternally merged together in this great ocean
But on 2 different planes
And I'm unable to buy a ticket to get to you.

So what do we do, cause we are only here to stay?
Yet, we cannot find a way to end or move forward.

I guess that leaves us with...farewell...

So I know before you even click play you're probably wondering what is this dark bluish black screen??? Well it's actually an audio entry and I didn't want to go through the hassle of getting an audio hosting site and all that goodness. Instead I recorded an audio blog.

I discuss what I did for the last day of Paryushan which is the Day of Forgiveness. I decided to do a water fast and walk on foot everywhere that I went. While I walked, I tried to take in everything that was around me and I mean everything. I remembered to be patient and to reflecct on all the wrong and all the mistakes that I had make. I truly thought about what made me do those things and decided to make more of a conscious effort to not let those things happen again.

Hopefully, this time I will be a little bit more fruitful :-)

My soul, simply put, told me that it was my fault. My actions, my yelling caused him to react the way that he did. I lost myself and in doing so, I had to reap the consequences of that.









More profound than that was something else....My soul whispered to me to deal with it.

Over and over, I was telling myself to just go ahead and call it quits. I kept thinking of how I needed to start finding another job, so I could just leave. To call this person and this agency and this and that. But my soul was saying NO!













I had to deal with my actions, my problems and learn how to stay on my path in the midst of everything. To stop running away from my problems, to stop being a coward.















Although I had this epiphany on Thursday, I have not been able to shake the fear of losing my job to this very moment. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. When I feel or think like this, it makes me want to pick up my legs and start running.

















But today, I came home and watched the YouTube videos of an enlightened master. One in particular talked about my inner struggle of this past week.




























It reminded me of what my soul said...to be strong, don't run away, deal with it. I hope that you will be able to take something away from this...I hope you take away strength.

This week, I have had to swallow a very TOUGH pill (mind you I'm speaking of the week of January 2nd-8th).



I arrived back in Fort Worth on a Sunday afternoon. All was well with me, I did the sadhana that I learned from the retreat and slept well. That Monday work was good, it wasn't awesome, but it was good. Tuesday was my off day, but I did not sleep well.



All night, I dreamt about work and what I had to do and all the things I had to take care of. I just became filled with anxiety.



I woke up the next morning and performed my sadhana, but this time it was different. I had this intense feeling, this intense sense of intuition telling me that today was not going to be good.



Needless to say it wasn't.



For months now, I have not liked my job. The organization, tedious, consistent planning and the goal of my job. I have craved for a life of purpose of meaning. As my craving grows, so does my dread for work.



Now much of this could be associated from the fact that my boss is constantly riding me all the time. At first glance, one would think that I just had a crazy uptight boss, which in some small way that could be the case.



Long story short, my boss and I had a serious conversation. Things got out of control.



The whole week, I tried to remember the true nature of my soul and to remember the tips I had been given to combat anger. It didn't work at this time. The moment he started talking and bringing up this and that, I lost myself and the moment I opened my mouth, the fire was ignited.



To make the conversation short, my anger caused him to become more angry and in the end he threatened the security of my job.



Now the crazy thing is that I had a feeling that this conversation wasn't going to be good before walking in. A part of me wanted to get fired so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. But at that moment, right after the conversation....I was scared.



I was scared of what would happened to me, what my life would be like, would I be able to go to grad school and so on. I walked out exhausted not wanting to fight, not wanting to deal with it. I was so mad, so angry, that I cleared out my office. I took everything that was a hint of Nichollette out and home with me.



I didn't perform sadhana that night, but I did the next morning. And something extraordinary happened.

This is a video about a few books that I've come across that I've either read completely or hope to read in the future.

For the past 6 weeks, I have been held prisoner in India by myself. I’ve been too afraid to venture out of the comfort of my room alone for fear of being harassed. I’ve been out visiting places with other participants in this academic program, but I haven’t been able to go the places that I want to. If you haven’t read my blogs, I’m a tad bit special. I’m not like many tourists who want to go to all the popular places that Lonely Planet lists as a must see…especially in India.

I want to visit the places that most people avoid and don’t care to see…the spiritual places that truly change and inspire you. But I don’t want to just go and see them. I want to experience them, soak in all that positive energy and just wallow in it. Just sit there and be transformed in some way. I want to see the spiritual side that makes India…India. 

Although, my main purpose (and should probably be my sole purpose) for this trip to India is academic. I’m here to go out into the field and collect data on Jain nuns. Women who have chosen to renounce the world in pursuit of truth, freedom from suffering and ultimately bliss. I know, I know that will be a spiritual adventure in itself, but why not free two birds with one key (like that twist don’t you…nonviolence ;-). Luckily my research is religious and spirituality focused which allows for me…almost requires me to frequent spiritual places such as temples, mosques, shrines, monasteries and pilgrimage places and more. So when I left for India back in May, not only did I want to collect a ton of information on Jain nuns, but I also wanted to solidify the direction my spiritual path is going to take. I want to find clarity and spiritual renewal while I’m here…Erase some of the clouds that have been hanging over me. Open doors that are keeping me from myself…But I won’t be able to experience any of it, if I’m afraid.

As I’m writing this blog entry, I’m residing in a semi-Monastic center known as the Root Institute in Bodhgaya, Bihar, India. If you don’t know, Bodhgaya is the place where Buddha sat in meditation under the great Bodhi tree until he obtained enlightenment (yeah I know).  This place is AMAZING. There are palm trees, jasmine trees and just green everywhere. The pace of the city is slow and quiet, so unlike the busy chaos which characterizes Varanasi but fear is still lurking in the midst.

I’m here with another male in the program, but he leaves before I do. So for 3 and a half days…I’m here alone. And that scared me. And it didn’t help that this town is filled with men and everywhere I turn someone is asking me where am I from? What is my name? How long am I here? Where am I staying? And here’s the kicker, “Are you alone?” 

 I began entertaining the idea of booking an earlier train back to Varanasi and just staying on the grounds of Root Institute until my departure, but then the voices of Elizabeth Gilbert and Rita Goldmen Gelman ring out. If you haven’t heard me mention Eat, Pray, Love or allude to it in anyway please check out this YouTube video, instead of reading about my relationship with that book. As far as Rita, she’s becoming my hero and is currently playing a major role in spiritual and travelling life.

Rita Goldmen Gelman is the author of “Tales of A Female Nomad.” Similar to Gilbert, due to an unhappy marriage and a suppressed hunger for travel, Rita ventures out into the world in her late forties in search of adventure and relationships with people of other cultures. But unlike, Gilbert she doesn’t set a specific timeframe of one year or limit her travels to 3 places. Instead she literally becomes a nomad. Selling off everything she owns with the exception of a backpack and a few clothes. And she travels to places she’s always dreamed of or places her old classmates suggest like Borneo. And in each place the length of time she spends varies from weeks to years.  Rita does this all as a single woman travelling alone. She befriends others along the way and takes risk, risks that many would describe as insane and uncautious. But she does it anyway and as such many doors are open which would otherwise remain closed for others. One of these doors allows her to stay in Bali for 4 years. 4 YEARS!!! Just on a recommendation of a passenger on a flight to Bali who gives her the name of someone in town. Rita goes to see them the minute she gets off the plane and they offer her a place to stay right on the spot. CRAZY right?!?!?! I want to be like her when I grow up… I want to be like her now.

I don’t want to let fear keep me from experiencing India from this blessing in disguise that I’ve been given. I will be living in India for another 5 months and how crazy would it be of me to stay locked up in my room the WHOLE time?  I want to take risks, I want to open myself up to what India and her people have to offer me. I want to seize those rare opportunities that come my way.  I want to live India. I want to have an adventure.

So with that...no more hiding, no more treating myelf like an inmate. I'm making a pledge to have no regrets and to walk through any door that opens. My father says he should have chipped me when he recognized that I was a flight risk. And maybe he should have because I'm about to take off ;-)

Last year, I was able to realize how connected our food is with the performance of our body. I noticed that when I was feeling sad or angry or frustrated, I would eat junk food. Buckets of homemade popcorn, french fries and chips. I actually wanted sodas too. I wanted anything and everything that was not good for me. At the time, I thought, "Oh some McDonald's french fries with honey and a coke will make me feel better right now." Or I would rationalize, "well if my body is craving it then it must be what it needs."

Did it? No.

Although there is some truth to your body needing what it craves, it's not necessarily the food itself but rather an ingredient or substance in the food that the body needs. So instead of eating the chips and french fries, maybe a vegetable medley that had potatoes in it would suffice.

I also noticed that as I would give in and eat, the more angry I got. At times I would spiral into full blown rage. The food wasn't helping, in fact it was making it worse. Not only would I get angrier, the anger would just chill instead of walking passed me. That spicy, sweet and salty popcorn didn't make anything better, especially not how I felt. Instead, it was kidnapping me and my captors were my emotions using the food as bait.  Can you believe that? Food trapping you in this dark, gloomy tomb....Well it was for me.

For a while, I couldn't make that strong connection. I had glimpses that I needed to take better care of myself, but it didn't truly set in until I read Awaken by my spiritual master. He stated that the body had to be cleansed first before I could really begin peeling off the layers of the mind. He stated that although the body is not who we truly are, it is what houses the soul, what houses us. That's when I knew that if I truly wanted to begin working on myself, I had to begin with the body.

On the spiritual path, getting to the soul is like cleaning a house after a flood in the swamps of Alabama that has been abandoned for centuries (I hope that created a vivid picture). Before you can even think about placing a foot on the steps, you have to take care of all the debris around it. How can I even fathom getting to my soul, if I have this huge wall of debris blocking me.

No wonder my meditations have been more of a struggle, my mind unfocused. Instead of working on cleaning the outside of the house, I've been feeding the inside even more dirt to keep me away. I have to start with my body. So in many ways, all the gym ads you see urging you to get to the gym are both true for your physical and spiritual wellbeing.

So with that I'm taking some advice from my spiritual master and the Bally's ads I see on tv. I'm not necessarily going to the gym, but I'm increasing my physical activity through yoga and breathing exercises. But most importantly, I'm watching what I eat.

No more junk food for me. No more popcorn, french fries and chips every week and definitely no more sodas. Instead I'm replacing them with water and juice, fruits, hummus and celery or pretzels. Light foods that will help me to feel better and start my body on this road of spiritual cleansing.  

For many who are trying to find their way to God, Truth, the Divine, etc., have encountered fasting in one form or another. In general, a fast is an act that includes ones detachment from food or drink. It does not necessarily entail abstention from all food and all drink, but it does require that one abstains from something for it to be considered a fast. This has taken the form of juice fasts, water fasts, potato fasts or absolute nothing fasts (no water, no liquids, no food).

What does abstention from food and/or liquids do for you spiritually?....DETACH.

One of the main obstacles on the spiritual path is our attachment to this world and things in it. When you partake in a fast, it is one of the most basic forms of practicing detachment. When you consciously decide that I am not going to eat any foods and only drink juice or water, you are mentally and physically detaching from food. Although this practice of detachment is on a small scale, it has a profound impact on the individual who does it.

*But PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE remember that if you have never fasted before it is not something to do lightly. It is best to fast in the presence or under the guidance of a master or a nutrionist or someone who is knowledgeable. Your body is used to eating and to just stop especially if you have medical issues is not a good thing. You have to know when your body has been pushed to its limit and when its time to stop and recover.*

I've found in my experience of fasting that I have more energy. What? How can you have more energy? Because I'm not concerned with all of the tasks and thought processes that go into eating, I have more energy to focus on other things...let's say....reading, writing, schoolwork, professional work or better yet...my sadhana. I'm not giving attention to my hunger or my body saying it wants food. I'm not thinking about what I have in the refrigerator or the pantry to eat. I'm not thinking about what I'm going to eat with my rice or what vegetables I'm going to fix with my beans. Even further, I'm not thinking about what dishes are clean that I can use to cook so that I can eat or what dishes I'm going to have to clean after I'm done cooking so that I can eat. Do you get the picture? All of the time and energy that is put into eating is able to be directed elsewhere when I fast.

Seeing as though I fast for spiritual reasons, I try to focus that energy towards my sadhana allowing for me to dedicate more time and energy to something that helps me get rid of karma and get closer and closer to knowing who and what I am, to FOCUS on soul, on me instead of food. In doing so, I gain CLARITY when I'm confused or in doubt about anything whether it is spiritual or non-spiritual.

Fasting is a way for me to re-focus on what really matters in my life....SOUL. It allows for me to see things more clearly than I would on a day when I'm allowing my hunger to have priority.