Scene from Rise of the Guardians where
Santa Claus is trying to get Jack Frost to find his center.

I find spiritual inspiration in the oddest of places and the most unexpected. I just finished watching Rise of the Guardians. I was in the mood for some child-like fun. I don't know why but I've been itching to watch children's movies for the past week or so. And I've been trying to rent this movie for weeks, but of course I'm in a small town and the only renting facility available is RedBox, so of course it was always out :-( But ALAS...Today it was available and I jumped on it. 


The movie takes the most popular childhood myths, the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Sandman and sets them up as a team of Guardians that have vowed to protect the children of the world. The children are threatened by the infamous Boogeyman known as Pitch Black in the movie. When the Guardians meet to come up with a plan to defeat him, the Moon aka the Man on the Moon, who created and founded the Guardians informs them that he has found a new Guardian to help them, Jack Frost. 

*Santa Claus' center...a cute big eyed baby.

When Jack Frost is taken to the Guardian's Headquarters aka the North Pole, he refuses to accept his guardianship. Santa Claus being the Big Man that he is pulls him aside to convince him to do otherwise. His discussion is what touched, resonated and inspired me today. He simply asked him "Who are you Jack Frost? What is your center?" Jack had no idea how to answer. Claus proceeds to present to him a matryoshka doll (I had to look up the proper name myself ;-). It's the wooden russian dolls that continually open up to a smaller one. But Claus' doll has various different faces with differing emotions. Many of which contradict each other such as intimidating to jolly to mysterious to fearless to caring. Continually peeling down until Jack gets to the last and smallest of the dolls that can't be opened anymore. Claus identifies it as his center. There are no emotions on his face, just a small baby like doll with big eyes. Claus goes on to explain what this means which I won't go into detail here. But it is his center that allows him to put out the wonder and joy that he does each and every year leading up to and on the day of Christmas. It is his purpose. 

It made me ask myself what is my center? what am I meant to send out into the world? and although like Jack I can't answer that question, I sense that I'm on my way to finding it. Lately, my life has been filled with ups and downs and it still is, but for some reason...it doesn't seem as tragic as it used to...I'm not sure if its because I've been developing a more consistent asana practice or if I've done better at balancing the amount of time between relaxation and productivity or if its just because its the end of the semester and I have the "-itis" of just not caring anymore or a combination of them all helping me to find my way. But this movie, this scene inspired me to keep doing whatever it is I'm doing and to never stop believing in myself, my dreams, my hopes and my fears; to never stop searching for who I truly am not a layer that makes me but for my center, the part of me that cannot be peeled or opened up. That part of me that just...is...no layers needed...

There was once a time in my life where I felt so sure, so confident of the direction my life would take. I was excited, eager, ready, passionate, enthusiastic, willing and looking to finally walk in the direction that I was looking for.

Over the past 2 years, that direction has been muddled by a lack of clarity, confusion, doubt, doubt, uncertainty, obstacles, realizations and did I mention doubt?

I feel like I'm back to square one. Unsure of what I should do, what direction to take and when to take it? I'm not sure if this is normal for a 25 practically 26 year old who is about to graduate or for anyone who is about to finish something major in their life. Like the typical 22 year old graduate asking themselves will be a career, grad school, law school, medical school or just bumming? Or the older graduate finishing up their thesis or dissertation? Or if its just a pre-existential crisis? Or anyone realizing that out of the 25 almost 26 years they have been on this earth 20 of them have been spent in school. Over 2 decades of my life has been spent in school, learning, constantly learning and reading and reading some more, preparing for a life, another school application, scholarship or grant or a job that I don't even know what job it is yet? I mean 2 DECADES!!! That's over 75% of my life and mind you I can't remember anything before the age of 13.

I will be 30 before I know it. I'm at the age where I'm no longer young any more so I can't make too many mistakes, but I'm young enough that there are still possibilities. There's SOOOO much that I want to do that I thought I would be doing by now. First there was the Ob/Gyn thing, then the Foreign Service Officer for USAID thing, then the Yoga Studio/Spiritual Retreat Center thing, then the ESL Teacher Abroad thing (I really really want to travel and this provided finances and a valid excuse to do so ;-), then the go live in India for a while travelling from spiritual site to spiritual site on a lifelong spiritual pilgrimage and now the go live off the grid and just do whatever I want thing. And factoring the spiritual element just complicates things even further. Should I devote my life to a spiritual pursuit? I mean regardless of your beliefs, whether you believe in one life or many, should any life be wasted on something, anything frivolous? Anything that doesn't contribute to your spiritual upliftment? And if it should be dedicated to only spiritual pursuits what does that look like exactly? I mean people try to make the argument that everything you do throughout the day can be turned into a spiritual moment or activity.

But come on seriously, how easy and how many actually can do that 100% of the time while attempting to pay bills, maintain a household, a job, stay out of debt, cook food, be there for your family, maintain your physical health through proper diet, exercise and hygiene, and if you are married maintain the happiness of your spouse without thinking about them doing the same for you or worrying or expecting them to be just as concerned about your happiness as you are there's (I mean ego would more than a field day in this scenario) and then if you have children...I don't know how would you raise a life and maintain your spiritual balance and progress 100% of the time for the REST of your life. I mean you have to raise a life and be responsible for every aspect of that living being, EVERY ASPECT. Seriously?!?!?! I'm pretty sure there are some extraordinary individuals that can pull all of that off and still further themselves on the spiritual path, but I'm not that person. I don't have that strength or will power in me.

So what do I do? What should I do? I'm at a crossroads in my life where I need to decide my future. Deep down in my soul I know I have time to figure things out, but then I can't afford to waste any more time if that makes sense. I have to figure what I want the rest of my life to look like? Who do I want to be? What impression do I want to leave on the world? Who do I want in it? What direction do I want to take? And when do I make the necessary moves to make whatever vision I'm finally able to come with a reality?

 

I'm thinking about doing something some what extreme, intense and dramatic. Maybe I'm going a little overboard with the adjectives. But an idea occurred to me or rather re-occurred to me during my asana practice this morning. I won't say exactly what this "crazy" idea is, but....I've been toying around with this concept of the 50 Weeks of Me Project. At first, I wanted to completely seclude myself away from everything and everyone in order to truly go deep within myself, learn to be with myself and have ME be enough, to know myself, to be happy with myself, to truly fall in love with msyelf getting rid of the dependence of needing anyone else regardless of who they are, love interest, family or friend. But then I decided that was unrealistic as I can't run off, stop going to school and just go live in the mountains for a while without a notice. But then this morning, I had an idea that maybe I can do a modified version of seclusion for all intensive purposes in my own way.

I'm going to take the day to truly mull it over and see if I can work it out logistically and if I can and I'm confident that I can and will carry this out and it will be beneficial for me...I'll get back to you ;-)

This morning, last night as well, there were and still are many thoughts floating around in my mind. Which seems to be all the time now. My life isn't complicated. My life isn't hard or tough and by tough I mean I'm not homeless, food-less, car-less those things. But my life is hard for me. Its confusing. I'm not sure of what I'm supposed to do and not do. Which route to take and not to take.

I'm currently finishing up my last semester of graduate school...trying to write my thesis and I struggle so much. I struggle because I simply don't want to write it. I'm not passionate about it and I don't like the pressure of having to finish it in 3 months. And it doesn't help that I'm feeling more and more drawn to yoga...like the entire yogic system as a way of life, as a way for my life. It doesn't help that I've secretly (i guess not so secret anymore) become addicted to Pinterest and am continually looking at things of interest like cob houses and earth friendly homes or am looking at pictures of delicious vegetarian and vegan food or other ways to make things from scratch on your own and OOOHHH the pictures of the LOCS! I'm currently starting my own and seeing the pics of women with these long beautiful locs in the middle of nature surrounded by green trees and water.....

All of these things makes me yearn to start living MY life and living it the way I want...stress free, pressure free and doing things of worth, doing things that make me feel like I'm really making a difference within myself, nature and others. I don't feel like I'm doing that right now. I feel like through forcing myself to write this thesis, I'm falling even faster into the traps of the world, becoming more cynical, negative and downright nasty.

I thought it would help to start a morning sadhana practice again. Doing everything the pranayama, japa, meditation and asanas. And I was doing it for 2 weeks straight and I was happy. I felt like I had way more energy and joy in my life, but what wasn't getting done or at least not as much I thought it should have was my school work. I'm already behind and felt like...feel like that I was getting even further behind because I was focusing so much on things that actually interest me and finally doing them. So I made the conscious decision to stop, to stop doing all of the yoga stuff and focus on school and now I'm just confused, I feel drained and am unsure if its the right thing to do. Its like I'm torn.

I don't know if I should stick with doing my sadhana in the mornings or if I shouldn't, if I should even look at all the stuff that interests me because it just makes me ask myself why in the world am I forcing myself to be here or not. I don't know what to do. I mean what's more stupid: staying in a situation simply because you started it and you should not be a quitter and finish it no matter how stressful or undesirable it may be or to stop doing something when you're so close because its just not what you want, there is no passion, it seems to cause more stress in your life than relaxation and does more harm than good, decreasing your quality of life?

Its times like these that I become jealous of Adam and Eve. Jealous of the fact that they had the time and fortune to be able to talk to God, walk with God as if they were talking to each other and actually know that the voice they were hearing was God. I want that. That's all I've ever wanted. And I don't know what to do or not do to get there.

I wish there was a special phone, where I could just pick up the receiver and dial G-O-D and have a conversation knowing that it was God and talk to God as if I were talking to my best friend....