I have come to realize and know a lot about myself...From who I am, what I am, where I came from, why I do and feel the way I do to where I'm going and so much more in just 3 months. Not all of it, in complete pictures, but glances that helped me to see.
Now I know this may sound crazy, but like I've said before my moments of realizations come at the oddest of times.
I was in my bathroom...getting ready to....when I realized that I've never had a real childhood. I know I've said to people during conversations about childhood, "Oh, I've never done that" or "I didn't get to do that."
I have said and admitted to what I haven't done, but never thought about what I was doing instead.
Now don't get me wrong, I rode bikes and played Barbie dolls like the rest of us...like in elementary school. But unlike others, I have been bred to be a planner...to constantly prepare for something ahead.
In college, I was preparing for a career; high school for college; middle school for high school and college and even in elementary school I was planning for college. Now that I'm done with school for the time being, I have to constantly plan at work on a daily basis, and plan for my re-entry into education.
Even outside of the realm of academia and corporate America, I plan at home. I plan my meals, my breaks, my free time, when I sleep, wake up, shower, talk on the phone, perform sadhana, clean, walk my dog...I mean the list goes on....
My dad came home and I was planning how I was going to get the entire house cleaned, his surprised birthday party (which turned out to be a flop), his groceries and more.
If we go to San Antonio, I was the one planning our trip, the times to leave, where would we go, stay and visit and eat.
I never knew that being a plan maker, also made me the unofficial leader. My family, my team at work and everyone around me looks to me for advice, suggestions, to be the example to follow.
My entire life has been making a plan for the future. Ever since my dad started me on Hooked On Phonics, my life as a plan maker was destined.
Now I'm at a crossroads. In order for me to get to where I want to go, I have to be in the present not the future. I have to get rid of the 23 years of planning that I have been raised to do my entire life. It's all I know and all I've ever known. Because of it, I am unable to enjoy the present, the moment that I'm currently in because I'm so used to planning for something that may or may not come.
So now, it has to go away....Nichollette, the plan maker, has to die.
