This morning, last night as well, there were and still are many thoughts floating around in my mind. Which seems to be all the time now. My life isn't complicated. My life isn't hard or tough and by tough I mean I'm not homeless, food-less, car-less those things. But my life is hard for me. Its confusing. I'm not sure of what I'm supposed to do and not do. Which route to take and not to take.
I'm currently finishing up my last semester of graduate school...trying to write my thesis and I struggle so much. I struggle because I simply don't want to write it. I'm not passionate about it and I don't like the pressure of having to finish it in 3 months. And it doesn't help that I'm feeling more and more drawn to yoga...like the entire yogic system as a way of life, as a way for my life. It doesn't help that I've secretly (i guess not so secret anymore) become addicted to Pinterest and am continually looking at things of interest like cob houses and earth friendly homes or am looking at pictures of delicious vegetarian and vegan food or other ways to make things from scratch on your own and OOOHHH the pictures of the LOCS! I'm currently starting my own and seeing the pics of women with these long beautiful locs in the middle of nature surrounded by green trees and water.....
All of these things makes me yearn to start living MY life and living it the way I want...stress free, pressure free and doing things of worth, doing things that make me feel like I'm really making a difference within myself, nature and others. I don't feel like I'm doing that right now. I feel like through forcing myself to write this thesis, I'm falling even faster into the traps of the world, becoming more cynical, negative and downright nasty.
I thought it would help to start a morning sadhana practice again. Doing everything the pranayama, japa, meditation and asanas. And I was doing it for 2 weeks straight and I was happy. I felt like I had way more energy and joy in my life, but what wasn't getting done or at least not as much I thought it should have was my school work. I'm already behind and felt like...feel like that I was getting even further behind because I was focusing so much on things that actually interest me and finally doing them. So I made the conscious decision to stop, to stop doing all of the yoga stuff and focus on school and now I'm just confused, I feel drained and am unsure if its the right thing to do. Its like I'm torn.
I don't know if I should stick with doing my sadhana in the mornings or if I shouldn't, if I should even look at all the stuff that interests me because it just makes me ask myself why in the world am I forcing myself to be here or not. I don't know what to do. I mean what's more stupid: staying in a situation simply because you started it and you should not be a quitter and finish it no matter how stressful or undesirable it may be or to stop doing something when you're so close because its just not what you want, there is no passion, it seems to cause more stress in your life than relaxation and does more harm than good, decreasing your quality of life?
Its times like these that I become jealous of Adam and Eve. Jealous of the fact that they had the time and fortune to be able to talk to God, walk with God as if they were talking to each other and actually know that the voice they were hearing was God. I want that. That's all I've ever wanted. And I don't know what to do or not do to get there.
I wish there was a special phone, where I could just pick up the receiver and dial G-O-D and have a conversation knowing that it was God and talk to God as if I were talking to my best friend....
I'm currently finishing up my last semester of graduate school...trying to write my thesis and I struggle so much. I struggle because I simply don't want to write it. I'm not passionate about it and I don't like the pressure of having to finish it in 3 months. And it doesn't help that I'm feeling more and more drawn to yoga...like the entire yogic system as a way of life, as a way for my life. It doesn't help that I've secretly (i guess not so secret anymore) become addicted to Pinterest and am continually looking at things of interest like cob houses and earth friendly homes or am looking at pictures of delicious vegetarian and vegan food or other ways to make things from scratch on your own and OOOHHH the pictures of the LOCS! I'm currently starting my own and seeing the pics of women with these long beautiful locs in the middle of nature surrounded by green trees and water.....
All of these things makes me yearn to start living MY life and living it the way I want...stress free, pressure free and doing things of worth, doing things that make me feel like I'm really making a difference within myself, nature and others. I don't feel like I'm doing that right now. I feel like through forcing myself to write this thesis, I'm falling even faster into the traps of the world, becoming more cynical, negative and downright nasty.
I thought it would help to start a morning sadhana practice again. Doing everything the pranayama, japa, meditation and asanas. And I was doing it for 2 weeks straight and I was happy. I felt like I had way more energy and joy in my life, but what wasn't getting done or at least not as much I thought it should have was my school work. I'm already behind and felt like...feel like that I was getting even further behind because I was focusing so much on things that actually interest me and finally doing them. So I made the conscious decision to stop, to stop doing all of the yoga stuff and focus on school and now I'm just confused, I feel drained and am unsure if its the right thing to do. Its like I'm torn.
I don't know if I should stick with doing my sadhana in the mornings or if I shouldn't, if I should even look at all the stuff that interests me because it just makes me ask myself why in the world am I forcing myself to be here or not. I don't know what to do. I mean what's more stupid: staying in a situation simply because you started it and you should not be a quitter and finish it no matter how stressful or undesirable it may be or to stop doing something when you're so close because its just not what you want, there is no passion, it seems to cause more stress in your life than relaxation and does more harm than good, decreasing your quality of life?
Its times like these that I become jealous of Adam and Eve. Jealous of the fact that they had the time and fortune to be able to talk to God, walk with God as if they were talking to each other and actually know that the voice they were hearing was God. I want that. That's all I've ever wanted. And I don't know what to do or not do to get there.
I wish there was a special phone, where I could just pick up the receiver and dial G-O-D and have a conversation knowing that it was God and talk to God as if I were talking to my best friend....
you can speak to GOD at any time, that's the significance of prayer. I don't know what you specific beliefs are but God is always present and always available. there is never a moment when we are not able to call on His listening ear.
So, while we are not able to physically converse with Him , we can have been afforded the opportunity to walk with Him in spirit.
Thanks Sophia for your kind words. I do believe that I can always speak to God whenever I need to and that God will always have the time to listen to me. My frustration and not even frustration really...my wish stems from desire to converse with God. I do believe that it is possible to advance spiritually to a point where I can talk to God through prayer and hear God speaking to me through meditation. I just have to have the patience to make the effort to arrive at that point.