I've been wandering in loneliness for quite some time. I used to chalk everything up to my spiritual path....I'm supposed to become a monk and that's why nothing is turning out right....
At least that's what I used to think and after I met my Guru, I was cool with it. It all began to make sense to me. But that too had to come to an end.
I learned that there is no such thing as fate and it seemed as though my world was falling down. I was back at square one wondering why no one wanted to be with me? Why was no one attracted to me? Why was that everyone else around me had someone and all I had was myself?
I also began to wonder should I really become a monk? I mean my initial intentions for my path was simply to know God; to experience and see love for all living beings. Not to necessarily renounce everything and dedicate my life to the search.
But as I continued to wander this world alone, becoming a nun seems as though it is the path that I'm supposed to take...
I've been going back and forth like this for quite some time. I tried to think what in the world would spark me to question my path...EMOTIONS. I developed feelings for someone and I was trying to make sense of them in relation to my spirituality.
For a while because I thought my spiritual path was fixed, I simply suppressed them. Something happened and I realized that it was taking too much effort to fight how I felt and pretend as if they didn't exist...
So I made a....for lack of a better word at the moment...mistake....I gave into them...Even though, it's extremely early, I part of me knows that nothing will come of it. I can't help, but to be sad about it everytime I think of it...I know it may seem as though this is so premature, but you know how you have those gut feelings, those knots in your stomach, those voices in your head that will not go away no matter how much logic and rational you try to throw at it??? That's what this is like...
I realize that this feeling, this feeling of sadness and in some cases regret... I realized that this is the feeling that I've been wanting to avoid...I want to get away from...
When your emotions evolve someone other than yourself...there is no way to escape this feeling of pain. There are always going to be days when someone else is going to make you upset, sad, hurt or depressed. When going into a relationship with someone else, there is no way to guarantee happiness always.
Even if you're one of those lucky people, who have an awesome marriage, one of you will pass and then you will be left alone. Sad to be alone.
There is no way to escape pain and suffering. I see what the Buddha was trying to explain.
At least that's what I used to think and after I met my Guru, I was cool with it. It all began to make sense to me. But that too had to come to an end.
I learned that there is no such thing as fate and it seemed as though my world was falling down. I was back at square one wondering why no one wanted to be with me? Why was no one attracted to me? Why was that everyone else around me had someone and all I had was myself?
I also began to wonder should I really become a monk? I mean my initial intentions for my path was simply to know God; to experience and see love for all living beings. Not to necessarily renounce everything and dedicate my life to the search.
But as I continued to wander this world alone, becoming a nun seems as though it is the path that I'm supposed to take...
I've been going back and forth like this for quite some time. I tried to think what in the world would spark me to question my path...EMOTIONS. I developed feelings for someone and I was trying to make sense of them in relation to my spirituality.
For a while because I thought my spiritual path was fixed, I simply suppressed them. Something happened and I realized that it was taking too much effort to fight how I felt and pretend as if they didn't exist...
So I made a....for lack of a better word at the moment...mistake....I gave into them...Even though, it's extremely early, I part of me knows that nothing will come of it. I can't help, but to be sad about it everytime I think of it...I know it may seem as though this is so premature, but you know how you have those gut feelings, those knots in your stomach, those voices in your head that will not go away no matter how much logic and rational you try to throw at it??? That's what this is like...
I realize that this feeling, this feeling of sadness and in some cases regret... I realized that this is the feeling that I've been wanting to avoid...I want to get away from...
When your emotions evolve someone other than yourself...there is no way to escape this feeling of pain. There are always going to be days when someone else is going to make you upset, sad, hurt or depressed. When going into a relationship with someone else, there is no way to guarantee happiness always.
Even if you're one of those lucky people, who have an awesome marriage, one of you will pass and then you will be left alone. Sad to be alone.
There is no way to escape pain and suffering. I see what the Buddha was trying to explain.
