If you have read my last few articles, you will know that I've been lost and have not (or at least have not felt like) been walking forward on my spiritual path. Although, I've maintained the sadhana practice that my Guru gave to me, I have not fulfilled the sadhana practices that I have set for myself. Instead, I've been falling deeper and deeper into "worldly" values, desires and practices.
I've wallowed in thoughts of loneliness. Wondering why unlike most, I don't have that group of friends that I've known since childhood that will always be there. I've wondered why I have people in my life yet at times I feel so disconnected from them. I've come back to wondering why I haven't had a romantic relationship in life over the past 5 years. I've wondered back into my physical appearance; dreaming of working out to have this phenomenal body that turns head when I walk through the door. I've let my emotions grow and have acted upon them, and the thoughts that followed were far from spiritual. I've gone back into making shallow, superficial, aesthetic ideals and values a priority in my life. It has done nothing but keep me in this cycle of worry and pressure. I haven't been able to truly appreciate life because of it. And I have an emotional and social wellness exam to prove it ;-)
Even in the midst of all of that, I'm grateful (at least at the time being) for it all. It has helped me to come back to my path; to come back to myself. To rediscover why I went searching in the first place. I was tired of falling into worldly prescribed values of beauty, wealth, attention and fame. It's too much work to be doing all for the satisfaction of someone else. It's too much effort and energy to put into something that will not last, that ultimately will not liberate me from the inescapable suffering of this world.
Ironically, through my graduate studies, brief periods of self-reflection and my recent one day of fasting and 6 hours of silence, I realized that I want to be happy. I want to be happy with life. When I allowed msyelf to fall back into this world, I lost all of that. I wasn't happy. I was constantly worried about something or mainly someone.
But when I turned away from all of that, just for a brief second, I was reminded of all the blessings I have and all the love and happiness that surrounds me. I remembered and enjoyed the goodness of those who were around me. I was able to allow myself to laugh and enjoy them and my life. And that is one of the aspects that I've always wanted, why I started my path; to reclaim the happiness in all life, in my life....
I've wallowed in thoughts of loneliness. Wondering why unlike most, I don't have that group of friends that I've known since childhood that will always be there. I've wondered why I have people in my life yet at times I feel so disconnected from them. I've come back to wondering why I haven't had a romantic relationship in life over the past 5 years. I've wondered back into my physical appearance; dreaming of working out to have this phenomenal body that turns head when I walk through the door. I've let my emotions grow and have acted upon them, and the thoughts that followed were far from spiritual. I've gone back into making shallow, superficial, aesthetic ideals and values a priority in my life. It has done nothing but keep me in this cycle of worry and pressure. I haven't been able to truly appreciate life because of it. And I have an emotional and social wellness exam to prove it ;-)
Even in the midst of all of that, I'm grateful (at least at the time being) for it all. It has helped me to come back to my path; to come back to myself. To rediscover why I went searching in the first place. I was tired of falling into worldly prescribed values of beauty, wealth, attention and fame. It's too much work to be doing all for the satisfaction of someone else. It's too much effort and energy to put into something that will not last, that ultimately will not liberate me from the inescapable suffering of this world.
Ironically, through my graduate studies, brief periods of self-reflection and my recent one day of fasting and 6 hours of silence, I realized that I want to be happy. I want to be happy with life. When I allowed msyelf to fall back into this world, I lost all of that. I wasn't happy. I was constantly worried about something or mainly someone.
