Dear….Whoever is Reading ;-),

I have been struggling to reconnect with my spiritual path for the past 4 months. I’ve gone back and forth between the society or the world and God or Soul for quite some time. Despite all the knowledge I’ve accumulated and the spiritual experiences I’ve had, I still struggled with what and how serious I should take my spiritual path and growth.

I started simply wanting to see and hear God in everything and everyone. To hear God speaking to me as clearly as I talk to my mom on the telephone. To have the same compassion and love for all living beings animals and plants alike that I believe God has for all living beings. But as my spiritual path progressed, my desire for Truth for enlightenment and true awareness increased as well.

As that increased so did the difficulty of walking the spiritual path. It became too hard, too difficult, too time consuming, too anything that sounded like a good reason to not to it. As I slipped away from my spiritual path, I grew nearer and nearer to material things and worldly pleasures. I became lonely and desired a companion more and more. I wanted to escape and travel and live a life of luxury. I started thinking of ways to improve my physical appearance and more. But why?

Why would I slip back when I know that they will not and do not bring me true lasting happiness? Why would I settle for temporary, insignificant fleeting happiness? Why would I settle for a happiness that would never be real? A happiness that I would have to constantly work at and have to make sacrifices for only to experience that “happiness” for a few moments when I knew that permanent happiness accompanied by peace and pure bliss was waiting on the other side.

I’ll tell you why because I was scared and still am. I am scared to let go of the comfortable, the known rather. I know the time, energy and effort it will take for me to be happy. I can see it. I’ve experienced material happiness….I haven’t experience transcendental happiness. The happiness that can only come from an eternal, powerful divine source.  The only source that could create the material beauty I see in front of me.  But the problem lies in my trust, my belief that that happiness actually exists.

I’m currently undergoing a 6 week intensive Jain Studies program in India. And we are presently residing in Jaipur, Rajasthan on the grounds of a Digambar Jain temple. Today we had a class entitled, “The Path of Spiritual Awakening/Purification.” I won’t give the professor’s name for confidential reasons, but in any case, she was amazing and obviously knew her stuff.

Everything she was saying spoke to me and reminded me of my present dilemma and my struggles with spirituality this year; especially my struggles with letting go of worldly pleasures. But the one thing she said that really made me feel like I needed to get my…..together was this:

“There is no way that one can fulfill their desires. Desires are insatiable. Absence of desires gives happiness not the fulfillment of those desires. The only way to eliminate those desires is to learn more about the true nature of soul and experience and realize that true nature. Then and only then will all desires cease to exist. ”

This is so true and yet one of the hardest things for me to do. Especially coming from an American background where desire is the number one motivation for the masses. So how do I get rid of my desires? Do I force myself to go into solitude? Do I go on a month long retreat in the middle of nowhere? Do I just simply stop going out with friends and family? Cut myself out from the world when at times I desperately yearn to be in it?

Why does being spiritual have to be so hard?

I've never really known exactly what was going on in Tibet. I always had the idea that bad things were happening, but I didn’t know the specifics (and probably never will).

Yes I know its probably a horrible thing that I’m an International Studies student and had no idea what was really occurring in one of my favorite regions in the world. But to be honest, I don’t like reading or watching the news. It depresses me. I don’t like hearing or knowing about atrocities, mass murders or genocides, or people being forced away from their homelands and their identity being wiped out. Who wants to hear about that? And I know it happens all over the world and the most tragic of events colors the pages of news sites and papers. Can you blame me for not wanting to know the details?

But being in Dharamsala surrounded by Tibetans and their culture, it would be disrespectful not to take the time to learn and understand why they are here.  So I went to the Tibetan Museum located in the Tsuglakhang Complex. This complex houses the Central Tibetan Monastery, 2 temples and the sleeping quarters of the Dalai Lama. The first thing you see as you enter this complex is a monument erected to commemorate the struggle, fight, strength and will of the Tibetan people.  It is only fitting that the museum is directly across from it.
 

The Tibetan Museum was the best way for me to learn about the specific, historical details of the Chinese Occupation of Tibet while not getting to overwhelmed with images. I learned so much from this museum and I’m not sure what I should do from here on out?

I know I can’t ‘hide’ from the world, especially when I want to help make it better. I have to develop a tough skin so I can actually start ‘ACTING’ on my compassion.  Because as I was walking through that museum reading the testimonies of these people and seeing the treacherous journeys they had to endure…some of them facing amputation due to frostbite and others escaping but still being sent back to Tibet and others setting themselves on fire, I was compelled to get off of my butt and actually stand behind what I believe. Stand behind my desire to help those that are in need.

The situation is so politically loaded that a solution is far beyond simple. I mean you have the Chinese government who claims that Tibet is there land. While there is historical evidence that Tibet has been a free, independent country since the British attempted to control it in the 1930's. They had their own postal system, passports, stamps, flag and currency. None of which had any Chinese symbols, emblems or presence.  They were a people who were functioning on their own sufficiently without the need for foreign assistance. They even had politicians traveling to the UK, United States and India to establish trade relations. And that all ended in 1951.

Whats even crazier is that the Tibetan 13^th Dalai Lama predicted that this would happen and despite the efforts of the VFF, the Volunteer Freedom Fighters, the Dalai Lama’s prophecy came true.  I sat there and wondered how could such a thing happen in the world? How could any genocide and intentional eradication of a culture happen in the world? I received a hypothesis from one of the curators of the Tibetan Museum. She suggested that it could be due to the karma of the Tibetan people. But the way she phrased it was in no way placing blame on the Tibetans themselves (which would be kind of weird considering that she is Tibetan herself), but rather as a coping mechanism. A way to possibly help Tibetans to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. In saying that it could be a result of karma, the Tibetans would have hope that it will pass. All karma must manifest and just like a fire it will burn out. It will fade away and the sun will rise.

But the question still arises, what should be done? What should the world do about this event that is beyond tragic, beyond an atrocity? What does someone like me do? A person with no political pull or any power? How do I help?

                                                                                                                                                                                                              

It has been an EXTREMELY long time since I have posted a blog about my travels and experiences in India. It has already been 2 months!!! I can't believe it.  But to try and play catch up would be a monstrous task. SOOOO much has happened to me and not all of it good. A matter of fact I would say that 75% has been beyond crappy and the other 25% has been so so...Never mind I'll correct that…75% has been crappy, 20% has been so so and 5% has actually been good.

I thought being in India would allow for me to rediscover or recapture rather spiritual energy and to get closer to my final goal. But after 2 months, my spiritual path has been shaken and stirred. What was once slightly paved has now regressed to a field. Not even a path can be seen from other's footsteps.  It is a fresh field of foliage waiting for a path to be laid out.  I have had strangers challenge my ideas and others make me question what my path should look like...what I want my path to look like and who I want to be. Stranger have helped me to see the beauty of living in a material world and how Earth can be heaven. Loved ones have hurt and betrayed me. And a close male friend that I thought would potentially become more than that gets further and further away.

I have arrived at a point where there is no way to turn the situation around other than to start over. With that,  I will say the first major lesson I've learned from India is knowing when to cut your losses and just begin a new. Sometimes a house just gets too mirky, too run down that there is no way to clean it, no way to repair it. The only thing you can do is pack up your things and find  a new home….That is what I'm doing…

I've realized that there are certain people, certain spiritual practices, goals and destinations that no longer have a place in my life...It is time for me to start over…

Luckily, I'm in the perfect place to do it. In India, away from family, friends and familiarity. I'm forced to find things on my own, make my own decisions and be my own person.  And I have the added bonus of being surrounded by young Indian women my age that have made a very big decision to lead an ascetic life. And they like me! They really like me!

I'm starting over in more ways than one and in what ways will be saved for another post...