I'm starting to question my sanity. Now don't get too worried. I'm not suicidal or anything like that but I'm starting to wonder what the reality of my mental state really is.
When I first began my journey, I started with the notion that I would have dark times in order for me to see the light, in order for me to appreciate it. I expected to have times when I would question myself, times where I would argue with myself but I never thought about how long or how frequent those times would last or occur. I guess I figured that they would just come and go and that would be the end of that.
But for the past few months or a lot of months the number of dark times and light times have fluctuated more than I have flipped the switch to turn on the light in my room. It seems as though it has gotten more frequent and more intense with time.
Well what about your spirituality??? Hasn't that helped, hasn't that kept you grounded and unaffected??? Unfortunately at this time I have to say no...
One day I'm as cheerful and social as Susie Cream Cheese and then the next minute I'm Debbie Downer. One day I'm confident that I can I can draw conclusions and make educated claims that I can see the argument support for it and the discrepancies in it and then the next I feel as though I'm totally incapable of doing so as if I'm trying to be this smartsy artsy person that I'm so not and can't be. And I wonder what in the world am I doing???
My feelings are like two heads of a coin. I wake up not knowing which side I'm going to land on. It drives me insane.
The concept of samsara is the idea that we are all trapped in this continual cycle of birth and death until we are able to free ourselves from maya from the illusion and this is all perpetuated by the ego. The force, the substance that will do whatever is necessary for you to stay trapped and it to stay in power. But I'm starting to wonder, if you can ever be free from this. Because right now, it's not looking like you can or at least I can't.
So is what I'm going through, is this really ego??? Or am I just seriously depressed and am just now coming to terms with that. I know I shouldn't say this because its harmful or what not but I hate constantly being in a hostile state; feeling like I can't control anything, not even my own feelings.
I just don't.....know....Maybe its because I've been doing this all alone. Not to say that I don't have AWESOME friends because I do. But I guess its one of those out of sight out of mind things, where yeah its there but its not the same as having someone there with you....Then it's like if you know me, I'm one of the most independent people you could ever know. I don't like opening up, people buying stuff for me, doing stuff for me, or anything. I want to do everything on my own....
You know whats crazy is that the one thing I want more than anything at the moment is to have someone, when I come tonight, to just hold me. Not to talk to me and tell me it will be "ok" or that I'm strong enough and smart enough to get through it. I just want to be held; to have someone hold me until I fall asleep, to hold me while I'm sleeping and to wake up in someone's arms. Being able to physically feel supported....
When I first began my journey, I started with the notion that I would have dark times in order for me to see the light, in order for me to appreciate it. I expected to have times when I would question myself, times where I would argue with myself but I never thought about how long or how frequent those times would last or occur. I guess I figured that they would just come and go and that would be the end of that.
But for the past few months or a lot of months the number of dark times and light times have fluctuated more than I have flipped the switch to turn on the light in my room. It seems as though it has gotten more frequent and more intense with time.
Well what about your spirituality??? Hasn't that helped, hasn't that kept you grounded and unaffected??? Unfortunately at this time I have to say no...
One day I'm as cheerful and social as Susie Cream Cheese and then the next minute I'm Debbie Downer. One day I'm confident that I can I can draw conclusions and make educated claims that I can see the argument support for it and the discrepancies in it and then the next I feel as though I'm totally incapable of doing so as if I'm trying to be this smartsy artsy person that I'm so not and can't be. And I wonder what in the world am I doing???
My feelings are like two heads of a coin. I wake up not knowing which side I'm going to land on. It drives me insane.
The concept of samsara is the idea that we are all trapped in this continual cycle of birth and death until we are able to free ourselves from maya from the illusion and this is all perpetuated by the ego. The force, the substance that will do whatever is necessary for you to stay trapped and it to stay in power. But I'm starting to wonder, if you can ever be free from this. Because right now, it's not looking like you can or at least I can't.
So is what I'm going through, is this really ego??? Or am I just seriously depressed and am just now coming to terms with that. I know I shouldn't say this because its harmful or what not but I hate constantly being in a hostile state; feeling like I can't control anything, not even my own feelings.
I just don't.....know....Maybe its because I've been doing this all alone. Not to say that I don't have AWESOME friends because I do. But I guess its one of those out of sight out of mind things, where yeah its there but its not the same as having someone there with you....Then it's like if you know me, I'm one of the most independent people you could ever know. I don't like opening up, people buying stuff for me, doing stuff for me, or anything. I want to do everything on my own....
You know whats crazy is that the one thing I want more than anything at the moment is to have someone, when I come tonight, to just hold me. Not to talk to me and tell me it will be "ok" or that I'm strong enough and smart enough to get through it. I just want to be held; to have someone hold me until I fall asleep, to hold me while I'm sleeping and to wake up in someone's arms. Being able to physically feel supported....
As we continue removing the veils of illusion that cover our soul, we find ourselves fighting to hold on to an identity, yet fighting to discover the real one. The mind will often cause disturbances, because it wants to be in control. It takes time for the soul to gain back its strength. Let go. Sit silently. Smile.