This week, I have had to swallow a very TOUGH pill (mind you I'm speaking of the week of January 2nd-8th).
I arrived back in Fort Worth on a Sunday afternoon. All was well with me, I did the sadhana that I learned from the retreat and slept well. That Monday work was good, it wasn't awesome, but it was good. Tuesday was my off day, but I did not sleep well.
All night, I dreamt about work and what I had to do and all the things I had to take care of. I just became filled with anxiety.
I woke up the next morning and performed my sadhana, but this time it was different. I had this intense feeling, this intense sense of intuition telling me that today was not going to be good.
Needless to say it wasn't.
For months now, I have not liked my job. The organization, tedious, consistent planning and the goal of my job. I have craved for a life of purpose of meaning. As my craving grows, so does my dread for work.
Now much of this could be associated from the fact that my boss is constantly riding me all the time. At first glance, one would think that I just had a crazy uptight boss, which in some small way that could be the case.
Long story short, my boss and I had a serious conversation. Things got out of control.
The whole week, I tried to remember the true nature of my soul and to remember the tips I had been given to combat anger. It didn't work at this time. The moment he started talking and bringing up this and that, I lost myself and the moment I opened my mouth, the fire was ignited.
To make the conversation short, my anger caused him to become more angry and in the end he threatened the security of my job.
Now the crazy thing is that I had a feeling that this conversation wasn't going to be good before walking in. A part of me wanted to get fired so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. But at that moment, right after the conversation....I was scared.
I was scared of what would happened to me, what my life would be like, would I be able to go to grad school and so on. I walked out exhausted not wanting to fight, not wanting to deal with it. I was so mad, so angry, that I cleared out my office. I took everything that was a hint of Nichollette out and home with me.
I didn't perform sadhana that night, but I did the next morning. And something extraordinary happened.
I arrived back in Fort Worth on a Sunday afternoon. All was well with me, I did the sadhana that I learned from the retreat and slept well. That Monday work was good, it wasn't awesome, but it was good. Tuesday was my off day, but I did not sleep well.
All night, I dreamt about work and what I had to do and all the things I had to take care of. I just became filled with anxiety.
I woke up the next morning and performed my sadhana, but this time it was different. I had this intense feeling, this intense sense of intuition telling me that today was not going to be good.
Needless to say it wasn't.
For months now, I have not liked my job. The organization, tedious, consistent planning and the goal of my job. I have craved for a life of purpose of meaning. As my craving grows, so does my dread for work.
Now much of this could be associated from the fact that my boss is constantly riding me all the time. At first glance, one would think that I just had a crazy uptight boss, which in some small way that could be the case.
Long story short, my boss and I had a serious conversation. Things got out of control.
The whole week, I tried to remember the true nature of my soul and to remember the tips I had been given to combat anger. It didn't work at this time. The moment he started talking and bringing up this and that, I lost myself and the moment I opened my mouth, the fire was ignited.
To make the conversation short, my anger caused him to become more angry and in the end he threatened the security of my job.
Now the crazy thing is that I had a feeling that this conversation wasn't going to be good before walking in. A part of me wanted to get fired so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. But at that moment, right after the conversation....I was scared.
I was scared of what would happened to me, what my life would be like, would I be able to go to grad school and so on. I walked out exhausted not wanting to fight, not wanting to deal with it. I was so mad, so angry, that I cleared out my office. I took everything that was a hint of Nichollette out and home with me.
I didn't perform sadhana that night, but I did the next morning. And something extraordinary happened.
