It has been quite a while since I have posted to my blog. I never knew that moving to a new place and graduate school would take this much out of me. I have cried so much that it is unfathomable for those who know me. But each time, I have picked myself back up.

At first I thought that I was still attached, attached to the idea of being in love with someone. I've been trying to deal with this attachment so that I can find my way to REAL LOVE. The love I've spoken of in a previous blog. And I realized that my way of dealing with it, wasn't actually dealing with it. I thought that I had gotten to the source, but that was an illusion.

After exhausting every possible method that I could think of, I turned to my Guru for assistance. I told him of my issues and asked was this normal? what should I be doing? am I attached? and more.

He informed that loneliness is normal. I have moved to a new place, alone and I need to find individuals that are like me. He pointed out to me that attachment is when you cannot live without someone. Loneliness is just simply that, loneliness; we all need companionship. This made me feel a LOT better, but he never really gave me a clear cut answer or solution to getting rid of my emotions and feelings.

After we hung up the phone, I pondered over our conversation and everything that I've learned so far. It hit me. My emotions and feelings will always be there; what matters is how I let them affect me. I can't let them take me away from my path, my vows and the positivity that I should have in my life. I fret on not having the person I love be here with me, call me all the time, respond to my text immediately. I get worried when I don't hear from them after days upon days. And I'm letting them affect me. I'm letting them take me away from the blessings I've been given. It has been hard for me to concentrate on work, school and myself because now that my emotions are out in the open they are all I can think about.

I know there is nothing malignant going on, but I can't help but realize how my mentality has changed now that wall has fell down. How will this play out? How long will this last?

I found the source of my emotions, they have come to the surface and instead of continuing to fight and suppress them I just let them flow and keep flowing. And here I am.

Although I may know where the source of my loneliness and feelings is coming from, I know it will take time to close it up. My emotions are coming to the surface and as a result are intensifying because I know where and why they were created.

I can't use force to stop them, I just have to let them come and come and come. This is going to be extremely hard especially if things turn out badly. But in either case, I hope that one day, they will come and won't have as big an effect on me.

So for now, I will keep flowing and flowing like a river, trying not to let any pebble or huge rock stop me :-(

I'm starting to question my sanity. Now don't get too worried. I'm not suicidal or anything like that but I'm starting to wonder what the reality of my mental state really is.

When I first began my journey, I started with the notion that I would have dark times in order for me to see the light, in order for me to appreciate it. I expected to have times when I would question myself, times where I would argue with myself but I never thought about how long or how frequent those times would last or occur. I guess I figured that they would just come and go and that would be the end of that.

But for the past few months or a lot of months the number of dark times and light times have fluctuated more than I have flipped the switch to turn on the light in my room. It seems as though it has gotten more frequent and more intense with time.

Well what about your spirituality??? Hasn't that helped, hasn't that kept you grounded and unaffected??? Unfortunately at this time I have to say no...

One day I'm as cheerful and social as Susie Cream Cheese and then the next minute I'm Debbie Downer. One day I'm confident that I can I can draw conclusions and make educated claims that I can see the argument support for it and the discrepancies in it and then the next I feel as though I'm totally incapable of doing so as if I'm trying to be this smartsy artsy person that I'm so not and can't be. And I wonder what in the world am I doing???

My feelings are like two heads of a coin. I wake up not knowing which side I'm going to land on. It drives me insane.

The concept of samsara is the idea that we are all trapped in this continual cycle of birth and death until we are able to free ourselves from maya from the illusion and this is all perpetuated by the ego. The force, the substance that will do whatever is necessary for you to stay trapped and it to stay in power. But I'm starting to wonder, if you can ever be free from this. Because right now, it's not looking like you can or at least I can't.

So is what I'm going through, is this really ego??? Or am I just seriously depressed and am just now coming to terms with that. I know I shouldn't say this because its harmful or what not but I hate constantly being in a hostile state; feeling like I can't control anything, not even my own feelings.

I just don't.....know....Maybe its because I've been doing this all alone. Not to say that I don't have AWESOME friends because I do. But I guess its one of those out of sight out of mind things, where yeah its there but its not the same as having someone there with you....Then it's like if you know me, I'm one of the most independent people you could ever know. I don't like opening up, people buying stuff for me, doing stuff for me, or anything. I want to do everything on my own....

You know whats crazy is that the one thing I want more than anything at the moment is to have someone, when I come tonight, to just hold me. Not to talk to me and tell me it will be "ok" or that I'm strong enough and smart enough to get through it. I just want to be held; to have someone hold me until I fall asleep, to hold me while I'm sleeping and to wake up in someone's arms. Being able to physically feel supported....

Almost 2 months ago, I was challenged by one of my spiritual teachers, Sadhvi Siddhali Shree, to practice yoga everyday for 30 days. The plan was not for me to practice yoga for a set amount of time or to do certain poses, but only to some form and some amount of yoga everyday. I  could practice it at anytime of the day, no restrictions at all.

I hit the ground running at the beginning of this challenge. I was excited and very much energized to complete it. I looked forward to each day knowing that I would begin it with a practice that is so relaxing, challenging and inspiring all at the same time. I didn't worry about the amount of time I spent practicing yoga, regardless if it was 30 minutes or an hour.

As time progressed, it became harder for me fulfill my challenge. I went from full blown excitement and energy to not having enough energy to attempt it. I came to the point where, it was hard to get up to start my yoga session, but once I was in it...I was in it. I realized why I needed this and was happy to be doing it.

Even more time progressed,  I would say  I was in the home stretch maybe about a week or so before my challenge ended.  I could barely muster up enough motivation to do my yoga. I had to subject myself to reading my journal entries to remind me of how good I feel when I do yoga. That was sad. My yoga sessions had dwindled to 15 and 20 minutes at times. I was so disappointed with myself. I wondered why at the end? Why didn't this happen in the beginning? This wasn't the correct order of things. I rationalized with myself that at least I was doing everyday. I hadn't fallen completley off the challenge.

Finally the end arrived. I completed the 30 day challenge by only missing one day and making up for it with 2 sessions in one day, the very next day. I didn't fall off after that. You would think that after 21 days, my yoga sessions would have evolved into a habit right????....Haha NOPE!!! I didn't roll out a mat or get up for a session for 2 WEEKS!!!! I know right....what in the world?

My yoga challenge has been in shambles ever since....Even today with all that's going on, I'm still struggling to get it back.

Others may feel, well duh?!?!?! you just moved to a new state, new city, new house, roommates, the pressures of grad school and obligations to keep in contact with those back home...you have more important things to worry about...

But it's more than that....Yoga is WAY more than just posas you do to get your stomach tight or your butt flat. It is derived from spiritual origins as a means of opening yourself up, relaxing the nerves to enter into true meditation. It keeps you focused and provides clarity. It's like a physical cleanse for your body, mind and soul. This is why it is so important for me to get Yoga back in my life...