I have come to realize and know a lot about myself...From who I am, what I am, where I came from, why I do and feel the way I do to where I'm going and so much more in just 3 months. Not all of it, in complete pictures, but glances that helped me to see.

Now I know this may sound crazy, but like I've said before my moments of realizations come at the oddest of times.

I was in my bathroom...getting ready to....when I realized that I've never had a real childhood. I know I've said to people during conversations about childhood, "Oh, I've never done that" or "I didn't get to do that."

I have said and admitted to what I haven't done, but never thought about what I was doing instead.

Now don't get me wrong, I rode bikes and played Barbie dolls like the rest of us...like in elementary school. But unlike others, I have been bred to be a planner...to constantly prepare for something ahead.

In college, I was preparing for a career; high school for college; middle school for high school and college and even in elementary school I was planning for college. Now that I'm done with school for the time being, I have to constantly plan at work on a daily basis, and plan for my re-entry into education.

Even outside of the realm of academia and corporate America, I plan at home. I plan my meals, my breaks, my free time, when I sleep, wake up, shower, talk on the phone, perform sadhana, clean, walk my dog...I mean the list goes on....

My dad came home and I was planning how I was going to get the entire house cleaned, his surprised birthday party (which turned out to be a flop), his groceries and more.

If we go to San Antonio, I was the one planning our trip, the times to leave, where would we go, stay and visit and eat.

I never knew that being a plan maker, also made me the unofficial leader. My family, my team at work and everyone around me looks to me for advice, suggestions, to be the example to follow.

My entire life has been making a plan for the future. Ever since my dad started me on Hooked On Phonics, my life as a plan maker was destined.

Now I'm at a crossroads. In order for me to get to where I want to go, I have to be in the present not the future. I have to get rid of the 23 years of planning that I have been raised to do my entire life. It's all I know and all I've ever known. Because of it, I am unable to enjoy the present, the moment that I'm currently in because I'm so used to planning for something that may or may not come.

So now, it has to go away....Nichollette, the plan maker, has to die.

God is Warmth



Siddhas are Warmth



Siddhas reside within my soul



My Soul resides within Me



Warm



And



Pulsing



Vibrating



Pulsing Warmth throughout my entire being



Pulsing



Pulsing



Pulsing



Warmth

.

.

.

.

I AM THAT...

I've always prided myself on being a very independent and strong woman. I was raised on the principle that no one can do it for you, you have to do it yourself. This is a principle that has its time and place in a person's life, but not for the entire duration of it.







When I was trying to make straight A's in grade school to get in honors classes for high school. When I was volunteering at several non profit agencies, playing high school sports, working and trying to maintain my grades to get into college, this phrase carried me through. It got me into college, graduated with a degree in 4 years, and landed me a good job.







Things have changed. My life has changed. My purpose has changed. This principle no longer has a place in my life. Yet I can't let it go.







I can't shake the pride I have in doing something completely on my own and showing the world that it was all me. To be quite honest, I've never had anyone try to be there or do things for me to even know what it feels or would look like.







I've learned a lot over the past few months, few weeks even. Most of which has come from myself, spiritual individuals, spiders, millipedes and ladybugs. Yes, ladybugs.







I was walking my dog today. We took an extremely long walk which we haven't done in a long while with all the snow. While we were on our way home, I noticed a puddle of melted water an a ladybug on dry sidewalk heading towards it.







If you don't know, I have always been fascinated by nature; its creatures, how they move, where they go and so on. I can sit and watch a spider just chill on the ground or hang on its web for minutes. So of course, I stopped to see the ladybugs' journey.







It slowly began to crawl near a patch of damp sidewalk. It easily made it through that.







Then it enter the shallow end of the puddle. It easily made it through that.







Gradually it got deeper and deeper. It wasn't until the ladybug reach the crack. The ditch between sidewalk and solid ground could it not go any longer.







I could see its tiny legs moving. Trying to get across, but with no luck.







Finally, I couldn't take it any longer and gave the little one a nudge to get to the grass.







Lesson you may ask? I have your answer.







We try and try and try to do things on our own. We research and research and find techniques to battle whatever obstacle is in our path. To make it through the storm, the river, the puddle, the day, the week or what have you on our own, but there comes a point where we all need a little nudge.

















So today and everyday remember

the little ladybug :-)