There was once a time in my life where I felt so sure, so confident of the direction my life would take. I was excited, eager, ready, passionate, enthusiastic, willing and looking to finally walk in the direction that I was looking for.
Over the past 2 years, that direction has been muddled by a lack of clarity, confusion, doubt, doubt, uncertainty, obstacles, realizations and did I mention doubt?
I feel like I'm back to square one. Unsure of what I should do, what direction to take and when to take it? I'm not sure if this is normal for a 25 practically 26 year old who is about to graduate or for anyone who is about to finish something major in their life. Like the typical 22 year old graduate asking themselves will be a career, grad school, law school, medical school or just bumming? Or the older graduate finishing up their thesis or dissertation? Or if its just a pre-existential crisis? Or anyone realizing that out of the 25 almost 26 years they have been on this earth 20 of them have been spent in school. Over 2 decades of my life has been spent in school, learning, constantly learning and reading and reading some more, preparing for a life, another school application, scholarship or grant or a job that I don't even know what job it is yet? I mean 2 DECADES!!! That's over 75% of my life and mind you I can't remember anything before the age of 13.
I will be 30 before I know it. I'm at the age where I'm no longer young any more so I can't make too many mistakes, but I'm young enough that there are still possibilities. There's SOOOO much that I want to do that I thought I would be doing by now. First there was the Ob/Gyn thing, then the Foreign Service Officer for USAID thing, then the Yoga Studio/Spiritual Retreat Center thing, then the ESL Teacher Abroad thing (I really really want to travel and this provided finances and a valid excuse to do so ;-), then the go live in India for a while travelling from spiritual site to spiritual site on a lifelong spiritual pilgrimage and now the go live off the grid and just do whatever I want thing. And factoring the spiritual element just complicates things even further. Should I devote my life to a spiritual pursuit? I mean regardless of your beliefs, whether you believe in one life or many, should any life be wasted on something, anything frivolous? Anything that doesn't contribute to your spiritual upliftment? And if it should be dedicated to only spiritual pursuits what does that look like exactly? I mean people try to make the argument that everything you do throughout the day can be turned into a spiritual moment or activity.
But come on seriously, how easy and how many actually can do that 100% of the time while attempting to pay bills, maintain a household, a job, stay out of debt, cook food, be there for your family, maintain your physical health through proper diet, exercise and hygiene, and if you are married maintain the happiness of your spouse without thinking about them doing the same for you or worrying or expecting them to be just as concerned about your happiness as you are there's (I mean ego would more than a field day in this scenario) and then if you have children...I don't know how would you raise a life and maintain your spiritual balance and progress 100% of the time for the REST of your life. I mean you have to raise a life and be responsible for every aspect of that living being, EVERY ASPECT. Seriously?!?!?! I'm pretty sure there are some extraordinary individuals that can pull all of that off and still further themselves on the spiritual path, but I'm not that person. I don't have that strength or will power in me.
So what do I do? What should I do? I'm at a crossroads in my life where I need to decide my future. Deep down in my soul I know I have time to figure things out, but then I can't afford to waste any more time if that makes sense. I have to figure what I want the rest of my life to look like? Who do I want to be? What impression do I want to leave on the world? Who do I want in it? What direction do I want to take? And when do I make the necessary moves to make whatever vision I'm finally able to come with a reality?
Over the past 2 years, that direction has been muddled by a lack of clarity, confusion, doubt, doubt, uncertainty, obstacles, realizations and did I mention doubt?
I feel like I'm back to square one. Unsure of what I should do, what direction to take and when to take it? I'm not sure if this is normal for a 25 practically 26 year old who is about to graduate or for anyone who is about to finish something major in their life. Like the typical 22 year old graduate asking themselves will be a career, grad school, law school, medical school or just bumming? Or the older graduate finishing up their thesis or dissertation? Or if its just a pre-existential crisis? Or anyone realizing that out of the 25 almost 26 years they have been on this earth 20 of them have been spent in school. Over 2 decades of my life has been spent in school, learning, constantly learning and reading and reading some more, preparing for a life, another school application, scholarship or grant or a job that I don't even know what job it is yet? I mean 2 DECADES!!! That's over 75% of my life and mind you I can't remember anything before the age of 13.
I will be 30 before I know it. I'm at the age where I'm no longer young any more so I can't make too many mistakes, but I'm young enough that there are still possibilities. There's SOOOO much that I want to do that I thought I would be doing by now. First there was the Ob/Gyn thing, then the Foreign Service Officer for USAID thing, then the Yoga Studio/Spiritual Retreat Center thing, then the ESL Teacher Abroad thing (I really really want to travel and this provided finances and a valid excuse to do so ;-), then the go live in India for a while travelling from spiritual site to spiritual site on a lifelong spiritual pilgrimage and now the go live off the grid and just do whatever I want thing. And factoring the spiritual element just complicates things even further. Should I devote my life to a spiritual pursuit? I mean regardless of your beliefs, whether you believe in one life or many, should any life be wasted on something, anything frivolous? Anything that doesn't contribute to your spiritual upliftment? And if it should be dedicated to only spiritual pursuits what does that look like exactly? I mean people try to make the argument that everything you do throughout the day can be turned into a spiritual moment or activity.
But come on seriously, how easy and how many actually can do that 100% of the time while attempting to pay bills, maintain a household, a job, stay out of debt, cook food, be there for your family, maintain your physical health through proper diet, exercise and hygiene, and if you are married maintain the happiness of your spouse without thinking about them doing the same for you or worrying or expecting them to be just as concerned about your happiness as you are there's (I mean ego would more than a field day in this scenario) and then if you have children...I don't know how would you raise a life and maintain your spiritual balance and progress 100% of the time for the REST of your life. I mean you have to raise a life and be responsible for every aspect of that living being, EVERY ASPECT. Seriously?!?!?! I'm pretty sure there are some extraordinary individuals that can pull all of that off and still further themselves on the spiritual path, but I'm not that person. I don't have that strength or will power in me.
So what do I do? What should I do? I'm at a crossroads in my life where I need to decide my future. Deep down in my soul I know I have time to figure things out, but then I can't afford to waste any more time if that makes sense. I have to figure what I want the rest of my life to look like? Who do I want to be? What impression do I want to leave on the world? Who do I want in it? What direction do I want to take? And when do I make the necessary moves to make whatever vision I'm finally able to come with a reality?
It is impossible to know the outcome, that would make life pretty boring. But we do know that the Will of God will never lead us to where the Grace of God cannot keep us...
This is true, but my frustration does not lie with the outcome. It lies with the path to take. As long as I know which direction to take the outcome is of no concern to me. And knowing which path to take and actually having the will power to walk it, comes from myself, not from God. It is only once I have made the dedicated decision and effort to walk a path can I trust God to guide me. Even then God will only lead me where I want to go. My destiny is up to me. God is guide to get me to the destiny that I choose.