For the past few months, I have been dealing with difficulties. Not serious issues such as life threatening health diagnoses or eviction from my house, but continual, little challenges in everyday in every moment. Sometimes, I think those challenges are worse in some ways. Simply because they never let up or at least that seems to be the case with me. Everyday has become a struggle. A struggle to get out of my bed, to go to school, get dressed....it's has become a struggle to lead my life. Even my dog is struggling with her life. We are both in so much pain (is this a coincidence?). Just when it seems that things may let up for the both of us, we're brought back down.
I've tried to come up with methods to make it better. I've created a positivity wall, made a list of reminders of inspirational videos and blogs, but nothing seems to work. I have always prided myself on my capabilities to organize and think my way through life's problems. They have always worked in the past, but I'm slowly arriving at the point to where nothing I come up with works. My ideas have kind of become alcoholic in some ways. They relieve the suffering, take me away from my issues for a very short period of time, but they don't last. They don't produce any long term effect to just take....this....away. I can't even describe this I'm so confused and uncertain and just flat out have no idea what to do.
I've read blogs and websites that may describe what I'm going through as the infamous Dark Night of the Soul. But I'm so clouded that I have no idea what to call...this...If this is the Dark Night, the solution that I've read to getting out of it is so abstract, soooo....in the air that it gives me no way of truly bringing some light into my life.
I've heard and read that you should just embrace the pain or whatever emotions arise. That they are coming to the surface for a reason. That I fully get, but how in the world am I supposed to embrace it? How do I understand them? How do I figure out where they're coming from so I can truly begin to be free from my emotions, my thoughts? The solutions to this Dark Night are just too abstract...too I don't know surreal for me to even figure out a way to embrace it.
Another word that has been used is surrendering to the emotions that arise; to the loneliness, the sadness, the anger, the frustration, the impatience. But again I ask, HOW DOES ONE DO THIS? I sit in sadhana saying silently or just thinking silently, "Come on emotions, why I are you here?" and then I just sit silently trying not to put forth any efforts and nothing.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I just don't know how to be anymore. I don't know how to surrender, how to embrace or how to keep going. I just don't know.....
It's also been said that when the soul is ready to come out of it, it will. It won't be as quick or easy as I would like. But when my soul is ready to come out of this stage it will. Although, I still don't know what in the world to do something happened today that gave me just the tiniest bit of light into whatever this is.
My mother is not a devout Bible thumping Christian woman, but from time to time the Southern Baptist Woman rises her head. Today as I'm ranting, not really ranting because I'm passed that, but emotionally explaining...that's it...emotionally explaining my cloudy life to her she says to me and I quote,
"You remember that song that they always sing in church. You know the one that goes 'He may not come when you want Him, but He'll be there right on time..."
And I say,
"Yes ma'am....I tell ya He's an on time God...Yes He is."
Even though she's speaking in a Christian context, because of my belief that all religions are speaking of the same God of the same divinity...It made think for just a slight second that Soul will come out of it when it's ready...and me wanting it to end now...may not really be me...maybe it's just ego....I still don't know, but it helped a little today to hear that from my Southern Baptist of a Mom...
I've tried to come up with methods to make it better. I've created a positivity wall, made a list of reminders of inspirational videos and blogs, but nothing seems to work. I have always prided myself on my capabilities to organize and think my way through life's problems. They have always worked in the past, but I'm slowly arriving at the point to where nothing I come up with works. My ideas have kind of become alcoholic in some ways. They relieve the suffering, take me away from my issues for a very short period of time, but they don't last. They don't produce any long term effect to just take....this....away. I can't even describe this I'm so confused and uncertain and just flat out have no idea what to do.
I've read blogs and websites that may describe what I'm going through as the infamous Dark Night of the Soul. But I'm so clouded that I have no idea what to call...this...If this is the Dark Night, the solution that I've read to getting out of it is so abstract, soooo....in the air that it gives me no way of truly bringing some light into my life.
I've heard and read that you should just embrace the pain or whatever emotions arise. That they are coming to the surface for a reason. That I fully get, but how in the world am I supposed to embrace it? How do I understand them? How do I figure out where they're coming from so I can truly begin to be free from my emotions, my thoughts? The solutions to this Dark Night are just too abstract...too I don't know surreal for me to even figure out a way to embrace it.
Another word that has been used is surrendering to the emotions that arise; to the loneliness, the sadness, the anger, the frustration, the impatience. But again I ask, HOW DOES ONE DO THIS? I sit in sadhana saying silently or just thinking silently, "Come on emotions, why I are you here?" and then I just sit silently trying not to put forth any efforts and nothing.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I just don't know how to be anymore. I don't know how to surrender, how to embrace or how to keep going. I just don't know.....
It's also been said that when the soul is ready to come out of it, it will. It won't be as quick or easy as I would like. But when my soul is ready to come out of this stage it will. Although, I still don't know what in the world to do something happened today that gave me just the tiniest bit of light into whatever this is.
My mother is not a devout Bible thumping Christian woman, but from time to time the Southern Baptist Woman rises her head. Today as I'm ranting, not really ranting because I'm passed that, but emotionally explaining...that's it...emotionally explaining my cloudy life to her she says to me and I quote,
"You remember that song that they always sing in church. You know the one that goes 'He may not come when you want Him, but He'll be there right on time..."
And I say,
"Yes ma'am....I tell ya He's an on time God...Yes He is."
Even though she's speaking in a Christian context, because of my belief that all religions are speaking of the same God of the same divinity...It made think for just a slight second that Soul will come out of it when it's ready...and me wanting it to end now...may not really be me...maybe it's just ego....I still don't know, but it helped a little today to hear that from my Southern Baptist of a Mom...
I know it feels very frustrating where you are right now. And I have been exactly where you are. It's kind of annoying to hear people say "surrender, embrace, love, accept." And I kept thinking how can I DO that? I tried so hard to get out of the dark night, until I realized I was where I wanted to be because I AM there so I might as well accept where I am so I can move forward. The ego wants something to DO. But in Truth there is nothing to do but witness what is going on (even witness your resistance). And this is the Dark Night: The ego putting up so much resistance because it fears its "death." And death to it is to not DO anything. It lives off of attacking, fighting, controlling, manipulating, resisting, trying to change, and fearing. Its antithesis is LOVE, acceptance, forgivness, surrender, etc. You resist what you think is real and anything that isn't Love is not real. "Doing" to the ego means having personal will that is separate from Universal Will or what IS right NOW aka resistance. I felt so tired and had no energy to do many things because most of my energy was going to figuring out what to do. But when we get to the place where we don't know what to do, that is exactly where we are supposed to be. To do nothing means to not interfere with what is happening right now. It is natural for us to not want to suffer or feel pain. But through accepting whatever is there, we push through it. Be gentle with yourself. Nothing is wrong with you. You have done nothing wrong. Everything is okay no matter what your mind is telling you. Seasons change and trust that this Winter season you are feeling will change for you into a blossoming and reborn Spring. There are many blog entries on my site where I talk about my experience and inspiration for getting through it. Patience was a lesson I learned that really helped. When I allowed where I was instead of forcing myself to be happy or awakened or whatever, things started to flow. My rising sign is in Aries and I saw your sun sign is in Aries and Aries tend to want what they want NOW and we aren't strangers of using force. You are being taught patience and trust right now. Good thing is that this is all in your mind. In reality you are at Peace. You will feel this the more you surrender to this. This is like a Spiritual detox where it may feel worse before it feels better. But that is only because you are ready to face your "demons" so you can be free of them once and for all. We are human BEINGS so more is accomplished when we simply BE rather than DO. Allow God/Source to be the Doer and surrender to THIS.
One more thing. The key to what you are looking for is in what you said right here:
"I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I just don't know how to be anymore. I don't know how to surrender, how to embrace or how to keep going. I just don't know....."
Surrender only happens when we admit that we do not know. And it is okay to not know. Something else, all knowing and powerful and loving will take over. That line was the most powerful and truthful line you said.
I find your blog very interesting via Jennifer (Freedom from Ashes)
I have put you in my blogroll :)
@Jennifer....Thank you soooooo much for the advice. It really did help me to see and understand what may be happening to me. I was never really quite sure if this was my Dark Night or just a period of extreme stress and imbalance. I think it may be a little of both. I got to a point where I just couldn't take it anymore and I emailed(I'm better at expression through writing) my enlightened master to describe to him what was going on with me and that I desperately needed his help at understanding what it really was, Dark Night or Not. After talking with him and my other spiritual teacher and his disciple, I felt a whole lot better and mentally...settled to keep going. Some of the things you mentioned about feelings are similar to what he has always taught me. We must understand our emotions and find their source in order to stop the water (karma) from flowing in. My issue was that I wanted a logical way to understand them and this is where your blogs have helped to understand that in order to feel or understand them we have to simply just be and sit there and let them unravel. Simply being is best done through meditation. Soooo I'm putting forth more efforts to meditate regularly. To have time in the middle of my crazy days to just be and be with myself. Thank you soooo much Jennifer for all of your help. advice, suggestions and courage for sharing your journey. It and you has all been a major help over the past weeks to helping regain a solid ground.
@cryominute I'm glad that you were able to find my little ole blog through Jennifer's website and that it has proven to be interesting. It is an honor to have my blog be added to your blogroll. I'll make sure to check your website out too. Thanks again ;-)