*This post was actually written in December of 2010. I just never posted it to the site. In order to get the full story please click here.*

This past weekend, I took myself on a much needed personal retreat to an ashram about an hour outside of Dallas. It was just the place I needed; secluded, in the middle of nowhere, no tv, no internet, no urban life, no distractions, no reminders of my daily life and it was affordable.

One of the main things, that I attracted me to the place was the spiritual energy that surrounded it. This was not just a retreat center where people go to relax, but rather a spiritual hub where other yogis and spiritual teachers have come for the benefit of helping others and working out their own karma.


I left the place renewed and rejuvenated and re-focused on what I needed to do spiritually. I had looked into myself to see the mistakes I had made and received instruction on what I needed to do make them right. I had my spiritual commitments and everything. I was ready.


While there, I was able to converse with another individual that, too, had in some way been connected with an organization that I recently decided to follow. This individual did not say or do anything to discredit or discourage me in anyway, but I felt compelled to do more research on an organization that I thought was the place for me and its founder. I did this TODAY.


After reading the websites and researching, I feel as though I'm back to square one. Its hard for me to stay in place that has such negativity. I don't know what to do or where to go. This could be the result of not having a living guru. This probably should have been a red flag to me, when I found out that the guru of this organization, stated that there would be no guru after him (although after the research, I've done I'm questioning whether or not he said that in the first place).


Not saying that its not possible to learn from a dead guru, but for me having to read books and lessons still leaves intrepretation up to me. It leaves with the responsibility of trying to figure it out. Which most would say isn't that better, isn't it better that you would have to look to yourself to think things through. I would say yes as long as you're not me.


I'm always thinking, analyzing, over analyzing, questioning, doubting. I need to be guided by an individual that knows where to take me, that knows my destiny. I need a living guru.

As most of you may know, my time in Bangkok, Thailand has ended. Unfortunately, I did not and was not able to write as much as I wanted too. I must say towards the end, around January/February, I became extremely depressed nad wanted to come home so badly. I began to hate everything about Thailand, my room, the people, the food, the traffic, the environment, everything... I made a calendar to scratch off the days until I came back home.



When I tell you it was bad, it was bad. Even my body was beginning to react physically to being in Thailand. It was like my body was telling me..."Its time to go, Nichollette, it's time to go." But as happens with most, as the time to leave gets nearer...it finally hit me that I was seriously leaving Bangkok, Thailand for good and more than likely never, ever coming back. But you know what, I really wasn't that sad...like I really wasn't sad at all. The only thing that I truly regretted was not being able to travel, experience and buy as much as I had hoped.



Now don't get me wrong, I won't miss the Thai people themselves, but I will miss the people and friendships that I have formed while living there. But luckily, we're from the states and we can arrange to keep in contact and visit each other from time to time. I hope that we will never lose the bonds we fortified in Thailand.



But Yayyyy to being back in the good ole U S of A. There wasn't a culture shock like everyone had said it would be. I didn't feel weird driving to go see my mom or seeing the neighborhoods. The only thing I felt weird about was being able to cook my own food in an ACTUAL kitchen and being able to play with my baby, Lexi (aka my dog, lol). Maybe I just trained and dreamed about coming back so much that it wasn't as much of a shock as it would be for most.



But you know what guys, I wasn't welcomed the way I thought I would be. I was expecting for everyone to be extremely excited to have me back. I don't know if it is because everyone has their own life now or that everyone is still living in a recession or if I forgot that I should never have expectations of anyone but I have to be honest that I was slightly hurt. I know they love me and care about me dearly but...IDK...maybe I'm going crazy or doing too much.....



--Signed...Confused.....

I've always heard it, but I've never experienced one of the most common phrases in the Christian community.



"GOD HAS A FUNNY WAY OF PUTTING PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT!!!"



This week, I have experienced this first hand. He has used two people in my life to show me things and to confirm scriptures that I have read.



One of which was a friend of mines that I was cool with my freshmen year in college. This person and I lived in the same dorm hall and shared a mutual friend which led to us hanging out a few times, going to parties together and several deep convos. Towards the end of freshmen year and the beginning of my sophomore year, I began to let rumors I had heard and things people would tell me become MY OWN judgment. This was a serious mistake on my part. I have come to realize that no matter how confident someone may be in the statements they make it is ALWAYS best to HEAR IT FROM THE HORSES MOUTH!!! and because of this, I did not treat this person with the respect and decency that I should have.



In my time of despair and the distance between God and I was getting greater, what would I wake up to on Sunday morning??? A very sincere, genuine and much needed letter from her. I would have never expected to communicate with her ever again. Here she was bright as day on my laptop screen with words of encouragement, true concern and guidance. God has a funny way of using people for his will in your life. Although it may not seem like much, she has helped to show me that nothing cannot be rewritten. No matter what you have done in the past...God can and will use it to mold you and prepare you for your future.



I don't feel like I need to name the person. Not that I'm ashamed or feel guilty, only because I dont need to brag about how far that I have come. You know who you are and I have expressed my gratitude with YOU.



The second person that has helped to confirm God's sense of humor is someone that I once believed I would be EXTREMELY close to and then later began to feel as though they were someone who did not need to be in my life at all. During the time that I felt this person was no good for me, I fell into my old ways and did not handle the situation properly. when I started to feel this way instead of falling into the shadows and gradually limiting the amount of communication between us I should have talked to you about how I was feeling and shared my thoughts and concerns. Not in a way to make you feel like you were doing something wrong, but to help bring some clarity to my actions or lack their of. Then out of no where, when all hope was lost, they brought sunshine into my life. They helped me to put a smile on face and in my time of need YOU were there to get me out of it.



Now I know this may sound silly, but I was in a situation that was somewhat crucial and then not really. But in either case, when I felt like there was no way to solve the situation, this person helped get it resolved.



God has a funny way of susing people that YOU think cannot help you at all....Thank you to those people and Thank You God!!!