It's officially been 36 days since I decided to make the effort to recommit to my spiritual journey and if you've read my previous posts you should know how the first 30 days went. Now I'm into my fifth week I guess, but I'm not sure whether I should continue under the umbrella of the "30-100 Days Challenge" any longer. I say this because I challenge usually entails you picking one thing or several and sticking to them for a designated length of time. Challenging yourself to be disciplined and committed to the task at hand. What I'm doing now couldn't be farther from that. Primarily because I don't want this to only last for certain period of time, but for the rest of my left. Secondly, I'm not necessarily challenging myself to try a new practice or picking one thing to focus for a certain time. I'm attempting to incorporate life lessons and life practices for...my life. To practice and live for the rest of my life. Maybe I can still call this a challenge, but instead deem it the "Lifelong Challenge" instead of 30-100 Days??? The jury is still out on that one.

Regardless, I will report on what Week 5 of whatever this is now was like for me...

Surreal. Calm. Happy. Bouts of Random Laughter. Peace. Acceptance. Surrender. Trust. Relief. Release...

These words describe my week. I continued with my active surrender,but for some reason this week it lead to more action. I had asana sessions 3 times which considering that Saturday is a rest day and I get 3 days off as a "ladies holiday," this was the exact number of times I was supposed to practice this week. I was so elated! Unexpectedly of course ;-) But more importantly, is how I felt while I was on the mat those 3 times this week. I pushed myself in a way I never have before. And I think it paid off. I sweat and I slightly groaned, but in the end as I lay in savasana, it felt like I let something go. Like I was shedding something. It was great and I was happy to be on the mat. I didn't have to push or work so hard to get on my mat this week either. Progress perhaps?

I continued with my constant engagement of devotional practice throughout each day as well. This time including spontaneous urges to recite mantras while sitting in my car waiting to go into an interview or while cleaning around the house. It was quite lovely. I can't remember a time where I laughed and had so many moments of peace, joy and laughter at home, by myself, in a material worldly environment.

But more interesting than that, all of my prayers were answered this week or most of them; the big ones rather. I've been praying to God for the strength, courage and confidence to continue walking on my path, to learn to trust and have faith in God, in myself, Soul. I must admit though along with that I have also been praying for material things as well. Such as a job for the summer and a teaching job for the upcoming school year. I was beginning to get anxious as I've now applied to 20 school districts and only one had contacted me. If you know me personally, you now how much of a worry wart I am and how I'm always scared and nervous that nothing will pan out and I will be left struggling to survive. Why I have no idea? I truly think its embedded in my DNA. My current situation was only fueling that anxiety.

For the first time in my life, I had no idea when or where my next paycheck was coming from. I had limited funds that were dwindling, no job and bills continually coming in. I was freaking out (my best friend, Jess, could probably go on for hours about how I needlessly complained). My cell phone bill is due next week which would have taken out a huge chunk of the funds I had left over. I prayed to God to give me the faith to carry on. I prayed that God would give me a job and if not, give me the strength to accept it and do what I could to assuage the situation. Within one week, this week 5, I not only interviewed with Old Navy and landed a job, but the temp service I'm registered called about a short term 1-2 weeks assignment to start immediately. I also received news that I had passed the New Teacher Quality Selection Event I attended and was invited to a Hiring Event this past Friday.

The temp service allowed me to miss Friday so I could attend the event. Friday morning, I got dressed and was on my way. I checked in looked at the list of tables I would sign up with for an interview. There were so many schools needing teachers. This comforted me...at first...until I looked into the crowd and saw the number of teachers in the stands. I prayed again, but this time I asked God to instill in me the strength, courage, confidence and energy to wow these principals and be myself; so that I could get offered a job on the spot, but also to give me those very same traits to continuing pursuing education if I did not. I looked at my list that had the schools, their table numbers and their vacancies to formulate a strategic plan of action to get as many interviews as I could where I wanted.

It was now time for me and all the other elementary teachers to go on the floor and sign up. I rushed down the stairs and was on my way. Next thing I new I had 5 minutes left. I made my way to my last few tables. I had signed up for roughly 8 interviews for the day. I made it to table B-5 where I thought I would be signing up for a 1st grade teaching position. To my surprise their 1st grade position required the teacher to be able to instruct in Spanish as well as English. The only vacancies I could apply for were 3rd and 5th grade ESL positions, positions I wasn't particularly fond of. I dropped off a resume anyway, but couldn't sign up because that table was full. I left to sign up somewhere else. Before I knew it someone was calling my name.

I looked around and it was the principal at B-5. I walked back. The principal began talking to me and wanted me to stop by her table. All of the time slots she had, I had already filled with someone else. She insisted that if I finished early to try and stop by. I said yes and left again. I heard my name again. It was the assistant principal calling me back over to B-5. I went and ended up having a short, no more than 5 minute conversation at B-5 and before the time was called for us to stop signing up for interviews, I had an offer to serve as a 5th Grade ESL teacher. I was completely taken aback.  I hadn't even interviewed and I had a job....Was this real? Was this really happening replayed over and over in my mind?

Although I didn't necessarily want to teach those grades, for some reason while talking to the 2 women and reflecting on the experience, it felt right, it felt natural, as if this was where I was supposed to go, as if this was God answering my prayers, as if this was the direction and place God was leading me. I couldn't say no. So at 10am on Friday, June 21, 2013. I not only had a temp position where I would get paid the next Friday, but I also had an opportunity to take on a part time position at Old Navy (which I ended up turning down) and a permanent, salaried position teaching to begin in August.

My bills would be paid, I could fill up my pantry and now start making plans to pursue my dreams, pay off loans, save for future travelling trips and more. Needless to say a HUGE burden was lifted from my shoulders. I was saved. I no longer had to worry about how I would get the money to pay my bills, to have gas or to buy food. I no longer had to worry what I would do for money anymore. I no longer had to worry. Everything was given to me.

The moment I left the building the Hiring Event was housed in and got in my car. I screamed. I screamed again. I screamed so much and so loud that I could feel my vocal chords going raw and the onset of hoarseness coming my way. I couldn't believe it and still don't. Once I finally settled back at home. I couldn't stop smiling and looking up to the sky. I couldn't stop humming a random silly tune and saying thank you while closing my eyes. I was at peace and happy for the first time in a really, really long time. Even as I'm writing this the day after, I think I'm dreaming. It was too good, too easy to be true...right? But it was and it is. God answers prayers. Things do happen. Dreams can come true. Peace can be obtained. You only need to actively surrender...

I'm finally here with a report of Week 4 of my challenge, the very last week. I still wasn't as active as I expected or hoped of myself....BUUUUTTTT.....I completely accepted it without any...or let's be honest...much judgment. But to my excuse or argument, the last week was a pretty intense week for me. I had to fly back to Wyoming for my thesis defense as well as prepare for a New Teacher Quality Selection Event with the one out of 19 school districts in the DFW area to contact me. So needless to say I was in extreme tunnel mode this week preparing for both events.

I was able to get one asana session in. I also recited my mantras several times throughout the week as well. But this week of mantras was different, it was a tad bit deeper than normal as if my mantras were more than mantras this time around. They were active prayers and expressions of my innermost desires. This is something I have felt from time to time, that my mantras transformed into prayers in certain moments and situations in my life. I guess this would make sense as mantras are supposed to be acts of devotion. Devotion and prayer do go hand in hand.  

Instead of actively going to my designated corner area to pray, recite mantras and commune at a designated time everyday, I was in constant communication with Soul and God throughout the week, throughout the day. Praying and talking to God in my spare moments. It was different, weird, but natural for me. I recited and prayed and talked whenever the urge arose within me or I felt it was necessary. I loved it. I didn't feel ashamed not to be doing it at 6 am and 6 pm everyday as if those were the only perfect times. I recited at my times; the time when I needed it, Soul needed it. It was a different experience for me. One that made me feel more relaxed, natural and comfortable with my spiritual journey.  As a result on my last day in Wyoming (after successfully defending and passing my thesis), I visited one of my favorite, most serene spots in Laramie, the Greenbelt. I just walked around for a bit, but I mainly journal-ed and took pictures, attempting to capture the extreme peace and sense of relief I felt from taking the one of the final steps on my graduate school journey ;-). It was...beautiful. I felt light and relaxed and calm and at peace with my life and where I was at in all aspects of my life, spiritual, personal, social, all of it. Ironically, I also had an extreme sense of acceptance as I knew that this "high" I was on would not last. That it was perfectly logical that it could very well end in as short as a few hours. Surprisingly, that was perfectly ok with me. I didn't cling to it nor despair over its inevitable passing. Instead, I allowed myself to soak it all in. It was what I like to call....awesomazing...

The peace did wane a little bit upon arriving back home in Texas and preparing for the New Teacher Quality Selection Event that upcoming Saturday. I was anxious and scared and nervous about it, but it was different. The nervous calm I had at my defense arose again and everything was ok. I accepted the nervous feelings I had and they seemed to...not necessarily subside but not affect me so profoundly as they could have.

So needless to say, although I was not as active as I had planned. I was consistently inconsistent as my Soul Sister, Mila, likes to say. Where you purposely let go and attempt to flow in the direction that life, that Soul wants to take you. I love this concept and the lesson she imparted upon me. It played a crucial role, I believe, into the experiences I was able to gain and open myself up to this week. But instead of using the term "consistently inconsistent," I like to call it actively surrendering ;-) Purposely surrendering to life, actively designating God, Soul, the Universe, higher beings whatever name or concept you choose to guide my actions and experiences, instead of Ego, Satan, the Devil, again whichever name you choose. Active Surrender it leads to beautiful things...

*Mila is a happiness life coach, based in Florida. Two hours away from Miami. She is a close and very, very dear friend to me. She is also the founder of Happy Life Discovery where she helps others to find the happiness and purpose in their own lives. Check her out at www.HappyLifeDiscovery.com

Remember those questions, I posed at the end of the post titled, Week 2? Well in Week 3, I got a little closer and by a "little closer" I mean like one really slow baby turtle step close ;-) Week 3 started off the same way as Week 2. I was still in a frumpy mood and didn't feel any closer to getting back to my spiritual path. I still wasn't doing my sadhana, no praying, no mantras, no yoga. No nothing, not even thesis things either. To be honest, I felt more distant and further away from everything that truly used to direct my every move, thought, action and dream. I was more confused than ever and really needed some guidance. I decided to write a letter to my spiritual guide which he responded to with a phone call. I was not expecting it AT ALL. I was actually kind of scared because I thought I was breaking some type of ascetic rule. My face lit when my phone rang and I saw it was him, but then that smile simultaneously faded as I had no idea what the conversation would unfold. That letter was the first time that I had been really open to my guru and I had no idea of how that letter would be taken, if at all. Even more so, I was worried that my fears would be confirmed, that the distanced I'm feeling is rightly placed and walking the spiritual path is not my journey. Needless to say, I was worried (I'm sure my other spiritual teacher would have said that was a great insight in and of itself). I asked my questions and he reassured me of many things, while also leaving me in the gray area for many others. When the conversation ended, I felt better, but questions still lingered and new ones arose. I decided to do my best to just let the conversation be and recall the definitive statements and answers he said to me and not think about the gray areas.

For the rest of the week, that worked and didn't worked at times, but I felt myself starting to go from frumpy to ok, when one morning I decided to call my other spiritual teachers, who in many ways was my first. She is also the disciple of my guru. We've always had this weird, instant connection from the day I met her in 2010 (a connection perhaps to be exposed much, much later in this blog). As a result, I've always felt I could be completely honest and open with her as if I were speaking to one of my best and closest friends. So I called early one morning, half expecting that she would be busy and not answer, but lo and behold she did. We talked for quite a long time about many things which she gave me...not just good advice or even very good advice, but the right kind of advice...you know that kind that makes you go "you sure are right" or "aha" upon hearing it. Like it just clicks for you, no matter how hard it is to hear it. These are the moments I had on the phone. I explained to her the negative emotions, feelings and thoughts I was having towards people, those that I was in conflict with and those that have and would only treat me with love and kindness, people who would probably support me and try to uplift my spirits. I also informed of her of the accompanying shame towards myself of my feelings of jealousy and pride towards those very same people who would do nothing but love me (some of which I have never even met). Her words comforted me in that she stated that this was a good thing in many ways, that I was not personally jealousy or mad or vindictive towards good people, but rather the emotions are coming out of me to be dealt with. I still felt and feel bad about having those emotions, but I feel better in knowing that this is a part of the spiritual path. Emotions come out in different ways and forms for different people. And this is just my way. These emotions are here and they can't be erased with a magical eraser, rather they have to come to the surface to realize and recognize that they are there and be dealt with in a constructive way centered around awareness. 

I automatically started thinking of how I could deal with them. When I simply asked her how. When she said you must get to the root of them. This is what my guide says as well. But I wondered how do you get to the root of them without forcing things? Without stopping bad thoughts and so on? Awareness was the key. You let the thoughts play but you do not engage with them and allow them to carry you off somewhere (she said more elegantly, but hopefully you get the picture). You become aware of the stream and how the stream starts flowing without stopping it. This way you not only come to understand the entire process, but you allow the negative emotions to flow out of you and because you know how the entire process works, you will know when the process is starting again and then can you become aware and do what is necessary to not allow the process to go any further. But to begin this tranformative process, I have to let go and surrender to the emotions that I'm feeling and recognize that they are there, but they are not Me.  So that's what I'm doing or at least doing my best to do. I'm trying my best to surrender, to give in to what's inside me and just be an observer, no matter what ugliness may come up. I have to accept that it is there and it's ok. It's part of the process...

I also told her about the confusion and the distance and my inactivity on the spiritual path. I asked her the same or similar questions I posed at the end of the Week 2 post. She confirmed that nothing in life and on the spiritual path should be forced. And yet, one must recognize the difference between force and action. She stated that laziness, inaction as a result of not doing something even though one wants too, is a form of karma. If one is attempting to do something that they feel an allergic-like reaction to almost like complete and other repulsion and revulsion, than that is force. This makes sense to me. And clears many things up. I don't feel like praying and mantras and yoga are my personal allergies. When I actually muster enough will power and agency to actually get on my mat or go into my spiritual corner area, I love being there, I want to be there. It's getting there that has been the issue. Laziness is my issue and as it is a form of karma, I can overcome it, simply and yet so tough. The only way to overcome laziness karma is to act. I have to do it, no matter what. It is the only way. Seeing as though this is laziness, its not forcing myself to do anything, its overcoming a high level of inaction and replacing with the proper activeness which is required on the spiritual path....

After that conversation,  I resigned myself to do better. I felt like I now had the necessary tools to go forward with this challenge and do better. I wanted to do better. And my week got a little more active. I did my asana sessions and I prayed and recited mantras. I even began journaling again. It's now Saturday and I feel good about moving forward now knowing what to do and what's going on with me. I'm finally...slowly...gradually...turtle-like slowly beginning to learn acceptance, letting go and true surrender...

I wonder what's in store for Week 4?!?!?!...